I don't want to care, but I do.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
- Jalal ad-Din Rumi
we talked last night.
i've been afraid to tell people. everyone told me she's probably never going to talk with me again. they said that i would never have answers so i need to stop asking questions. they told me that it's not my fault and i did nothing wrong and it's completely her and things she needs to work on. they told me that someone who treats me (or anyone period) like that isn't worth one second of my time.
i knew she was going to write me last night.
not in a freaky way. but i could feel it would be coming soon.
it's been almost over three months since we officially broke up and almost two since i lost my best friend. we're not going to be "friends" right now and the lines of communication are definitely not open. she was checking to make sure i was doing well. i'm not sure how i feel about everything. i'm hurt. i'm sad. i'm happy. i'm frustrated. i'm jealous. i'm concerned. i have a lot of questions.
among the list:
- how come when she wants to check and make sure i'm doing well, she expects me to answer?
- how come i can't expect a response when i want to check and make sure she's alright?
- what would have been her response if i said i was horrible?
- how would this conversation have been different a month ago? two weeks?
- why can't i hold a grudge?
- why can't i be unforgiving?
- where has she been? what has she been doing? (from her. not Lexi or Liz)
- why now?
questions that'll never find their answers i suppose. that's how our relationship works, right? she asks the questions, i respond. she manipulates my response and uses it against me later. i ask her a question, she ends communication. she runs.
on the plus . . . even though she's running away from me, she always runs to someone else. someone else that can "help" her. she has good friends . . . the ones i've actually met anyway.
i'm glad that although she "rock bottom"-ed out, she's getting better now.
maybe she'll be happy soon.
- Jalal ad-Din Rumi
we talked last night.
i've been afraid to tell people. everyone told me she's probably never going to talk with me again. they said that i would never have answers so i need to stop asking questions. they told me that it's not my fault and i did nothing wrong and it's completely her and things she needs to work on. they told me that someone who treats me (or anyone period) like that isn't worth one second of my time.
i knew she was going to write me last night.
not in a freaky way. but i could feel it would be coming soon.
it's been almost over three months since we officially broke up and almost two since i lost my best friend. we're not going to be "friends" right now and the lines of communication are definitely not open. she was checking to make sure i was doing well. i'm not sure how i feel about everything. i'm hurt. i'm sad. i'm happy. i'm frustrated. i'm jealous. i'm concerned. i have a lot of questions.
among the list:
- how come when she wants to check and make sure i'm doing well, she expects me to answer?
- how come i can't expect a response when i want to check and make sure she's alright?
- what would have been her response if i said i was horrible?
- how would this conversation have been different a month ago? two weeks?
- why can't i hold a grudge?
- why can't i be unforgiving?
- where has she been? what has she been doing? (from her. not Lexi or Liz)
- why now?
questions that'll never find their answers i suppose. that's how our relationship works, right? she asks the questions, i respond. she manipulates my response and uses it against me later. i ask her a question, she ends communication. she runs.
on the plus . . . even though she's running away from me, she always runs to someone else. someone else that can "help" her. she has good friends . . . the ones i've actually met anyway.
i'm glad that although she "rock bottom"-ed out, she's getting better now.
maybe she'll be happy soon.