spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it okay...
so sitting here passing time. i feel like this family is just waiting... waiting for the phone call to come. i dont know how much more of i can take. it sounds horrible but if you knew just what was going through my head it wouldn't sound so bad, but i just wish i could already happen. the worst part? i'm almost anxious. maybe because i dont know what comes next. the last time this happened i was in 2nd grade i dont remember what happened or when. it just did and i didnt shed a tear until the funeral when everything felt real and permanent and i didn't understand why. and now i feel like i should and i still don't. and i think that scares me even more because i dont know how to feel or know what to do and i dont want to sit through this alone, i dont want to have no one understand me and i'm afraid that's just what will happen. because i dont remember him when things were okay i dont remember and i want to and i'm sorry i dont for more connected and i feel like it was my fault like i should have tried and how could i have known? but i should known and part of me did but it was too late, and i knew it and now i'm waiting like everyone else for him to close his eyes for the very last time and then i will have to figure out just what to do and just how to feel.