ranty rant rant
I just wanted to say some things. I will put this behind a cut, cause some people who will read this might not wanna see. *coughTraviscough*
Alright. If you haven't guessed it by now, this is about the boy. The boy, hahaha. The thing is, we both still have these feelings for each other. That has been admitted by both parties. It's just that he's totally been keeping his distance from me and saying he just wants to be friends. His excuse is that we are too scarred from the past to make him wanna try again, and getting close to me is scary cause he still has feelings for me. But seriously, I'm not stupid. I can read between the lines. It's this new girl. Why would he wanna get back together with me when he's having such fun having a long distance, over-the-phone relationship with a minor? Sorry if I sound bitter...wait wait, I'm not sorry.
Anyways, moving on...I'm sure a good part of the reason he won't get back together with me is because of our past. I'll be the first to admit, I fucked up big time. I was immature and selfish and really, I should be shot. But life has a way of slapping you in the face and waking you up, and I got slapped hard. I honestly feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just months ago.
*I've rid myself of people who are bad influences on me or who only kept me going in circles.
*I've taken steps to get a job (hello, resume wizard)
*I have like a million booklets from the DMV to study for my permit, and a long list of people who are gonna teach me to drive. (plus plus! The promise of my own cute car!)
*I made an actual list of people I needed to reconcile with, and did a pretty damn fine job of getting to everyone and speaking my mind. I have a lot less enemies and several more friends now.
*I feel like I'm a lot more friendly and outgoing than I used to be. I was shy and quiet and some people mistook that for me being snobby or that I thought I was better than everyone. I'm glad I got over that, it's so much more fun to be a total goofball and actually talk to people. I get along with everyone in the group better too.
*I get along with my parents now. My mom and I have gossip sessions everyday; I think she's really glad that I've let her into my life.
*I'm no longer afraid to try new things. I used to stick to the things I knew how to do, but where's the fun in that? For example, the group taught me to play pool last week, and although I'm far from good at it, I did manage to win the game. (Beginner's luck, perhaps?) I want to learn LOTS of things I haven't yet, like how to play RISK with the guys, maybe learn to paintball, try lasertag...and the PIANO. I'm dying to learn the piano, that music is some of the prettiest ever. Ohhh yeah and the guitar! I'd kill to know how to play guitar. And skateboard! Fun stuff!!!
*I'm more open minded now about things. (Guys look at porn! They like it! So what?) I'm even willing to give the resturant "Hooters" a chance, when before I shunned it as degrading to women and a bimbo palace and all that.
*I'm no longer chinese!!! (haha, inside joke. I mean, I no longer sleep the same hours as the people halfway across the world.) I sleep when normal people do now, and enjoy the majority of the day when I used to wake up super late and be all depressed about it.
*I have a lot more respect for other people's points of view. I've been putting my people watching skills to good use and I think I'm a lot more understanding now. I realize people have jobs to do and classes to go to, and pretty much a life to live, and sometimes that shit just has to come first. No need to freak out or overreact.
*But most of all, I've learned to appreciate the people in my life. I mean, everyone. All these people have immense value, and being selfish only takes away the chance to have these incredible relationships with everyone. I make a conscious effort to put everyone else before me, and hope that someday they will return the favor. It feels good to be totally selfLESS.
Okay, wow that was a long list. Basically, the only major thing about me that HASN'T changed...is how I feel about Travis. Well, no, even that has changed, but only in the ways I listed above. I still love him as much as I ever did, and I truly believe that he's my one. *Holds up finger* That I ever made him doubt it is my greatest mistake in a life full of mistakes.
I've been thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure I know how he looks at this situation. He thinks that if he gets back together with me, it will be just that: "getting back together". But, that would imply just falling back into our old patterns, and I don't want that. I've changed my life, I don't want the same old relationship that we had, I want a brand new relationship with the same great guy. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'll try to explain:
For one, variety is good. I loved seeing Travis all the time. I mean, we saw each other every day. It was cool, but I think it would be better if we each had our own lives as well, you know? I think it's great that he spends time with his friend Bob or whoever else, and I know that I don't need to be there all the time. I also know it's good that I hang out with Jenn and Mikey and that group on my own, as well as just vegging at home. Just because we have free time, doesn't mean we need to spend it with each other. I would want us each to feel like we had all the space we needed. Time to get shit done, even the mundane things like homework and laundry. It used to be that we couldn't accomplish anything cause we were always with each other. My point of view has changed; I think that we'd appreciate each other more if we didn't see each other every day.
For another, I used to be so jealous. I mean, I would freak out over a poster he had on his wall, or when he was at work alone with a girl. I hated the idea of him going to a strip club, or even Hooters. Ridiculous. I can't believe I ever even thought like that. I guess I was just really paranoid, but that's gone now. I wouldn't even stop him from talking to Latisha or whatever her name is. Really, having a life is important.
And finally, and most importantly, I want to appreciate everything, all the little things, cause that's what makes love so awesome. A smile, a look, holding hands, laughing, singing together. Take nothing for granted, make everything precious. It's my new way of looking at the world.
I wish I could say these things to him, but I don't wanna scare him away, intimidate him, or freak him out. Plus, I promised and pinky swore that I wouldn't bug him with any of this anymore, and I keep my promises now (and especially my pinky swears)!!! I guess it was his choice whether or not to click on the lj-cut.
Travis, if you did read this, thanks. It's how I really feel. I know it's hard to believe that someone has changed, and I know that it's scary to wanna try something that has been so messed up in the past. All I want is the chance to have the perfect relationship we were always meant to have, I just had to grow up first. Being friends with you is great, but I really love you, a lot, and I'm gonna continue hoping and praying that you'll decide...we've got the love, why ignore it?
Alright. If you haven't guessed it by now, this is about the boy. The boy, hahaha. The thing is, we both still have these feelings for each other. That has been admitted by both parties. It's just that he's totally been keeping his distance from me and saying he just wants to be friends. His excuse is that we are too scarred from the past to make him wanna try again, and getting close to me is scary cause he still has feelings for me. But seriously, I'm not stupid. I can read between the lines. It's this new girl. Why would he wanna get back together with me when he's having such fun having a long distance, over-the-phone relationship with a minor? Sorry if I sound bitter...wait wait, I'm not sorry.
Anyways, moving on...I'm sure a good part of the reason he won't get back together with me is because of our past. I'll be the first to admit, I fucked up big time. I was immature and selfish and really, I should be shot. But life has a way of slapping you in the face and waking you up, and I got slapped hard. I honestly feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just months ago.
*I've rid myself of people who are bad influences on me or who only kept me going in circles.
*I've taken steps to get a job (hello, resume wizard)
*I have like a million booklets from the DMV to study for my permit, and a long list of people who are gonna teach me to drive. (plus plus! The promise of my own cute car!)
*I made an actual list of people I needed to reconcile with, and did a pretty damn fine job of getting to everyone and speaking my mind. I have a lot less enemies and several more friends now.
*I feel like I'm a lot more friendly and outgoing than I used to be. I was shy and quiet and some people mistook that for me being snobby or that I thought I was better than everyone. I'm glad I got over that, it's so much more fun to be a total goofball and actually talk to people. I get along with everyone in the group better too.
*I get along with my parents now. My mom and I have gossip sessions everyday; I think she's really glad that I've let her into my life.
*I'm no longer afraid to try new things. I used to stick to the things I knew how to do, but where's the fun in that? For example, the group taught me to play pool last week, and although I'm far from good at it, I did manage to win the game. (Beginner's luck, perhaps?) I want to learn LOTS of things I haven't yet, like how to play RISK with the guys, maybe learn to paintball, try lasertag...and the PIANO. I'm dying to learn the piano, that music is some of the prettiest ever. Ohhh yeah and the guitar! I'd kill to know how to play guitar. And skateboard! Fun stuff!!!
*I'm more open minded now about things. (Guys look at porn! They like it! So what?) I'm even willing to give the resturant "Hooters" a chance, when before I shunned it as degrading to women and a bimbo palace and all that.
*I'm no longer chinese!!! (haha, inside joke. I mean, I no longer sleep the same hours as the people halfway across the world.) I sleep when normal people do now, and enjoy the majority of the day when I used to wake up super late and be all depressed about it.
*I have a lot more respect for other people's points of view. I've been putting my people watching skills to good use and I think I'm a lot more understanding now. I realize people have jobs to do and classes to go to, and pretty much a life to live, and sometimes that shit just has to come first. No need to freak out or overreact.
*But most of all, I've learned to appreciate the people in my life. I mean, everyone. All these people have immense value, and being selfish only takes away the chance to have these incredible relationships with everyone. I make a conscious effort to put everyone else before me, and hope that someday they will return the favor. It feels good to be totally selfLESS.
Okay, wow that was a long list. Basically, the only major thing about me that HASN'T changed...is how I feel about Travis. Well, no, even that has changed, but only in the ways I listed above. I still love him as much as I ever did, and I truly believe that he's my one. *Holds up finger* That I ever made him doubt it is my greatest mistake in a life full of mistakes.
I've been thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure I know how he looks at this situation. He thinks that if he gets back together with me, it will be just that: "getting back together". But, that would imply just falling back into our old patterns, and I don't want that. I've changed my life, I don't want the same old relationship that we had, I want a brand new relationship with the same great guy. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'll try to explain:
For one, variety is good. I loved seeing Travis all the time. I mean, we saw each other every day. It was cool, but I think it would be better if we each had our own lives as well, you know? I think it's great that he spends time with his friend Bob or whoever else, and I know that I don't need to be there all the time. I also know it's good that I hang out with Jenn and Mikey and that group on my own, as well as just vegging at home. Just because we have free time, doesn't mean we need to spend it with each other. I would want us each to feel like we had all the space we needed. Time to get shit done, even the mundane things like homework and laundry. It used to be that we couldn't accomplish anything cause we were always with each other. My point of view has changed; I think that we'd appreciate each other more if we didn't see each other every day.
For another, I used to be so jealous. I mean, I would freak out over a poster he had on his wall, or when he was at work alone with a girl. I hated the idea of him going to a strip club, or even Hooters. Ridiculous. I can't believe I ever even thought like that. I guess I was just really paranoid, but that's gone now. I wouldn't even stop him from talking to Latisha or whatever her name is. Really, having a life is important.
And finally, and most importantly, I want to appreciate everything, all the little things, cause that's what makes love so awesome. A smile, a look, holding hands, laughing, singing together. Take nothing for granted, make everything precious. It's my new way of looking at the world.
I wish I could say these things to him, but I don't wanna scare him away, intimidate him, or freak him out. Plus, I promised and pinky swore that I wouldn't bug him with any of this anymore, and I keep my promises now (and especially my pinky swears)!!! I guess it was his choice whether or not to click on the lj-cut.
Travis, if you did read this, thanks. It's how I really feel. I know it's hard to believe that someone has changed, and I know that it's scary to wanna try something that has been so messed up in the past. All I want is the chance to have the perfect relationship we were always meant to have, I just had to grow up first. Being friends with you is great, but I really love you, a lot, and I'm gonna continue hoping and praying that you'll decide...we've got the love, why ignore it?