Venting
I donno anymore. Im losing everything I hold close to me. I dont feel anymore. I guess thats good cuz then I cant get hurt. I would really like to say I love someone, but lately it doesnt feel that way. Maybe its because they say they love me too but I dont believe them. I donno. I really dont. I wish someone could just tell me what to do, what to feel and what to say. But I guess life isnt that easy. And Angie I know I have you and Amber to talk to. I just dont want to talk to you guys about stuff that someone else has not idea about or anything about me. Itd let them in, and theres already too many people in. Its tearing me apart. I have alot of shit but I feel empty and like I have nothing. I guess material things dont mean anything to me. I feel fucking empty inside. I feel fucking fake. Im tempted to cut again cuz I dont think that Im real I dont think Ill bleed. I get hurt now and I laugh. Like in Tucson when I think I broke my toe again, it hurt like a bitch but I laughed so hard I cryed.
My moms another story. Shes paying for me to see a shrink but goes against everything she says. The shrink said to let me dress how I dress even if I dress like a thug and to let me be me no matter how loud, no matter how rude. IM A FUCKING KID. So let me be me. Stop fucking trying to change me and love me. Thats all I want I dont want nice cloths I dont want nice things. I want for you to look at me and love me because Im your kid. I want you to start listening to my ideas even if you dont go with it. Just hear me out. I know you hate who Im becomeing but you cant only blame me. Alot of it has to do with you. It does. Would you just stop wasting your money on cloths Im never going to wear. Or things Ill never use in my life and just let me be me. Thats all I want. Your making me so unhappy, your making me angery. So angery I hit myself, the blackeyes I have alot arent from running into doors or tripping mom. I cry. Ill admit that. Youve made me cry, youve pissed me off so fucking mad I cryed. I wont let you see me cry or hear me cry, cuz what would I have left then? NOTHING. Your taking me away your tearing me apart. Just fucking stop and listen to me. Hear me out. Just LET ME BE ME. I dont want to wear your prepy tight cloths I dont want to listen to your gay music. I dont want that. Ill even make a deal with you, I dont care. My friends like me for me and not for what I wear, so why cant you? Are you that shallow that you cant see the person behind the clothes? When Im out of the house Im always laughing Im always smilelying, Im happy. But at home if I can even call it that Im so unhappy, Im always pissed. Im always hitting myself. IM TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON MOM IM FUCKING TRYING. But you have to give me room to breathe and room to try you cant pushing for me to change if I dont want to. Ive thought about changing, Im not gonna lie, I have. But you push and you push and you push and I change my mind. You trying to change me has pushed me to tempting suicide. It has. And lately suicide seems right, your trying to kill me inside. If Im dead inside I mine as well be dead to everything else too. Your killing me mom. You are really going to be the death of me. Im tired of it please, just stop and let me be me before it gets anyworse. I dont want to change my friends, and I dont want to change me I just want to be me and be a kid and be happy, hang out with my friends at the mall and get kicked outta target.
My moms another story. Shes paying for me to see a shrink but goes against everything she says. The shrink said to let me dress how I dress even if I dress like a thug and to let me be me no matter how loud, no matter how rude. IM A FUCKING KID. So let me be me. Stop fucking trying to change me and love me. Thats all I want I dont want nice cloths I dont want nice things. I want for you to look at me and love me because Im your kid. I want you to start listening to my ideas even if you dont go with it. Just hear me out. I know you hate who Im becomeing but you cant only blame me. Alot of it has to do with you. It does. Would you just stop wasting your money on cloths Im never going to wear. Or things Ill never use in my life and just let me be me. Thats all I want. Your making me so unhappy, your making me angery. So angery I hit myself, the blackeyes I have alot arent from running into doors or tripping mom. I cry. Ill admit that. Youve made me cry, youve pissed me off so fucking mad I cryed. I wont let you see me cry or hear me cry, cuz what would I have left then? NOTHING. Your taking me away your tearing me apart. Just fucking stop and listen to me. Hear me out. Just LET ME BE ME. I dont want to wear your prepy tight cloths I dont want to listen to your gay music. I dont want that. Ill even make a deal with you, I dont care. My friends like me for me and not for what I wear, so why cant you? Are you that shallow that you cant see the person behind the clothes? When Im out of the house Im always laughing Im always smilelying, Im happy. But at home if I can even call it that Im so unhappy, Im always pissed. Im always hitting myself. IM TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON MOM IM FUCKING TRYING. But you have to give me room to breathe and room to try you cant pushing for me to change if I dont want to. Ive thought about changing, Im not gonna lie, I have. But you push and you push and you push and I change my mind. You trying to change me has pushed me to tempting suicide. It has. And lately suicide seems right, your trying to kill me inside. If Im dead inside I mine as well be dead to everything else too. Your killing me mom. You are really going to be the death of me. Im tired of it please, just stop and let me be me before it gets anyworse. I dont want to change my friends, and I dont want to change me I just want to be me and be a kid and be happy, hang out with my friends at the mall and get kicked outta target.