In which I have a meltdown
I really hate my brain. I catastrophize anyway. And then you throw in feels. The feels after seeing fuckwad. Getting angry that he has what I wanted. He's happily married and I'm being she-ra over here with a "boyfriend" I can't even refer to as such without quotes. I know I'm better off. He was horrible. But there may be an interior pipe leaking in my house and I have to get a plumber in to take care of that before it becomes awful. And yes, so terribly gender-role-reinforcing but I wanted to have a man around when shit like this happened (particularly a handy one like he was... Though now he cuts hair).
I had a giant fuckup at work that makes me look epically shitty. Plus tomorrow the employee magazine is interviewing me (on camera. Which I hate) about retirement and savings and they're going full on feels and making it about my dead father, which will be super awesome.
And oh yeah, it randomly started snowing and they never treated the roads and I fishtailed getting in this morning.
I've had a cigarette, which I haven't had in months. I dosed myself with my benzos. I called my home warranty people and they assigned me a plumber to come look and I'm just waiting for a call. But I'm still on the brink of having a good old fashioned meltdown. Because this week I'm having all the old wounds reopened and life is simultaneously not stopping with the challenges.
I had a magnet when I was in college. I try to take it one day at a time but lately several days have attacked me at once.
Pretty much.