Oh Be-jesus I actually exist
How strange it feels to delve back into this thing... So what's going on with me?
At the moment, I am rather happy. I have constructed things so that I am pleased with my life. There are two weeks left of school, and I know exactly where I stand. I am going to start working at the book store again this week, and I am excited. I love feeling like I am doing things right.
On the other hand, I am not as on top of my Spanish as I would like to be. But at this point, with just one quiz left in the semester, I know that even if I don't do well, I will be fine. And it's not even an issue, because I *am* going to do fine anyway.
I have been working very hard lately to try and close the gaps between how I want to be and how I actually am. I'd like to believe that I have attracted this work into my life. I am in the process of getting on top of my school work. (Now I just need a man, lol!)
Even psychologically, I feel like I am returning back to the way I was before. Today I was even day-dreaming stuff about Sian & Sionne on the bus. (I may have even come up with a new title for the series! But I don't know.) The things I thought about brought up a lot of questions. It seems that there are many things in my life that are in the middle of a re-design.
I have been confronted with the new issue of whether I really want to be an English teacher or not. I feel as if there are option that I wasn't aware were open to me. I have no idea which path to take, and I have never felt this way before. I have spent so many years being completely sure about what I would do with my life. Now the plan is unraveled, but somehow, in my nervousness, I am also happy. I feel like this process I need to go through to figure out what suits me is a good step. I think, in the end, that I will come out all the better for it.
Still, it's strange. Beneath everything that is happening to me is a deep and subtle melancholy that creeps beneath the surface of everything I do.
I've been searching to try and figure out the origin.
'Why do I feel this way?' It's a question that I have spent a lot of time asking myself. The simple option is that it's all chemicals. It's the dysthymia or whatever, chronic low-grade depression.
Another thought that occurs to me, that creeps in and surprises me... is the idea that I have spent so long being unhappy that it is my natural mode of being. I don't allow myself to be happy. No matter how wonderful I may feel, there comes a time when I force myself to wonder 'Why is this happening to me?'
But if this is the case, then I am working hard to break the habit. I have been trying to re-route my depression when it happens and not give in. But it's hard.
Because the third idea... Is that in actuality, beneath it all, I'm not okay. I am smiling and telling myself that I am in control and I am attempting to hold everything together. But deep inside I am breaking down. And when I am trying to function, that unhappy part seeps up to the surface and takes control of my body.
This is what feels most real and true to me.
There is so much beauty in this world, and so much sadness. And I feel like they are one and the same and I am subject to the exquisitely murderous beauty of all the pain and joy.
At the moment, I am rather happy. I have constructed things so that I am pleased with my life. There are two weeks left of school, and I know exactly where I stand. I am going to start working at the book store again this week, and I am excited. I love feeling like I am doing things right.
On the other hand, I am not as on top of my Spanish as I would like to be. But at this point, with just one quiz left in the semester, I know that even if I don't do well, I will be fine. And it's not even an issue, because I *am* going to do fine anyway.
I have been working very hard lately to try and close the gaps between how I want to be and how I actually am. I'd like to believe that I have attracted this work into my life. I am in the process of getting on top of my school work. (Now I just need a man, lol!)
Even psychologically, I feel like I am returning back to the way I was before. Today I was even day-dreaming stuff about Sian & Sionne on the bus. (I may have even come up with a new title for the series! But I don't know.) The things I thought about brought up a lot of questions. It seems that there are many things in my life that are in the middle of a re-design.
I have been confronted with the new issue of whether I really want to be an English teacher or not. I feel as if there are option that I wasn't aware were open to me. I have no idea which path to take, and I have never felt this way before. I have spent so many years being completely sure about what I would do with my life. Now the plan is unraveled, but somehow, in my nervousness, I am also happy. I feel like this process I need to go through to figure out what suits me is a good step. I think, in the end, that I will come out all the better for it.
Still, it's strange. Beneath everything that is happening to me is a deep and subtle melancholy that creeps beneath the surface of everything I do.
I've been searching to try and figure out the origin.
'Why do I feel this way?' It's a question that I have spent a lot of time asking myself. The simple option is that it's all chemicals. It's the dysthymia or whatever, chronic low-grade depression.
Another thought that occurs to me, that creeps in and surprises me... is the idea that I have spent so long being unhappy that it is my natural mode of being. I don't allow myself to be happy. No matter how wonderful I may feel, there comes a time when I force myself to wonder 'Why is this happening to me?'
But if this is the case, then I am working hard to break the habit. I have been trying to re-route my depression when it happens and not give in. But it's hard.
Because the third idea... Is that in actuality, beneath it all, I'm not okay. I am smiling and telling myself that I am in control and I am attempting to hold everything together. But deep inside I am breaking down. And when I am trying to function, that unhappy part seeps up to the surface and takes control of my body.
This is what feels most real and true to me.
There is so much beauty in this world, and so much sadness. And I feel like they are one and the same and I am subject to the exquisitely murderous beauty of all the pain and joy.