The written word
I tried my hand at writing once again: man, did that hurt. Quite literal actually, I mean, I had a hand cramp for days. I started with a letter and ended up turing in to a self-critique. I began bashing myself left and right, who does that? Apparently I do, though I am ashamed to admit. Halfway through the first paragraph though, I lost motivation. Forgot what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, and the meaning behind the message I was attempting to convey. Sad, really. The night before, I had the whole thing planned out in my head, words I wanted to use, ideas I wanted to proclaim, thoughts I needed to release. Though I did end up relieving some of the pressure my mind was creating, I still dont feel good. I dont feel, oh whats the word, absolved. There is still much left, up in there, in my head, that is left both unsaid and unclear. For the past few months I have managed to control my thoughts, keeping them in check and not allowing some to exist, however, in doing so I have locked any sort of eloquence, that I may have obtained in life, away. Even if I try, I'm not sure I can revert to my philosophies and understandings of the world of the past. I've forgotten it all, as it would appear. Though, I do seem doomed to repeat the past, I'm not sure exactly how I might reinstate my previous desires for thinking. I do catch myself daydreaming quite often now, though not thinking of a particular idea, mainly just a memory of something or enjoying the environment around me. Take now, for instance, there are flowering trees just outside the windows in the courtyard below my place. The petals have started to fall as the weather changes, yet again, and the wind blows just slightly causing the petals to dance to the ground below. Not just one at a time, does this happen, however, twenty to fifty per group. Each one, ever so slowly, cascading with a delicate spectacle, to the ground. The sight is remarkably beautiful and I am in awe of nature and the mystifyingly captivating presence. I truly dont know how else to put it in to words, other than it is simply amazing. I always get this sense of being just a bystander in life when ever I am honored with such a sight, no, a gift rather. Aside from this particular event, I daydream frequently, or so I am catching myself in the event more now since the move. I dont know if its the atmosphere or something else, however, it appears that my heart is at ease enough to allow fragmented thoughts once more. Now the only trick is, finding the words to use these thoughts and to not let them regain control of my life once more. Dreaming, though pleasant, is still just a dream at this point in life. Though I probably could write more on this and how it is effecting me currently with what I want in my future, I will hold off for now, in that this could become far to perplexing for anyone to ever understand. When I find words, that will be when I continue...