ARGH!
HOLY FREAKING SNOT.
To everyone who's been wondering where I went: So sorry! The phone company became assholes and disconnected us on Monday (LAST week, on the 8th) and didn't get turned back on until Friday, and the internet wouldn't connect. Mom and Dad were out of town until yesterday, and the internet still wasn't working, so we had to have a technician come out and fix the router. ARGH!
So, yeah. Back. I also got into an Anime during my hiatus. I watched the entire TV series of "Fullmetal Alchemist" -- and I gotta say, that show broke me. The ending put me in tears! That's NOT how an anime is supposed to end, dammit! I still have yet to see "Conqueror of Shamballa" which is supposed to tie up loose ends, but damn. There were various points in the series that made me cry, and when I reached the final episode, and saw the outcome, I lost it. I literally broke down. I was emotionally unstable as it was.
Okay, while I was disconnected from the internet, I tried to keep a pseudo journal entry. I'm going to post it here now just for the sake of recording.
January 14, 2007
You know something? I discovered something about myself this weekend. I'm not ready to be on my own. I need supervision still, or else I just come apart at the seams. You could say that I faced the demons... and got my butt absolutely thrashed. You could say I got my ass kicked by emotions or by "sins" (sloth, gluttony, envy...) In the end, it doesn't matter. I've been an emotional wreck since Sunday morning, too depressed to do anything, and too upset to care. Around 5pm, when I finished "Fullmetal Alchemist" is when I fell apart. I blew a gasket, so to speak. I couldn't stand it any longer. That show just really touched a nerve. I can't stand that it was so... tragic. Anime shows aren't supposed to have that kind of ending. Combine that with my frustration over no internet and no contact from Mom and Dad, and I just... lost it. I wandered around the house, sobbing from frustration and cursing myself for being so weak that it bothered me. I didn't get any chores I'd meant to do done, I just shoved the dogs outside and ignored them. I ended up having to wash Kimba's butt because she came in with a turd so big I couldn't ignore it -- it was rubbing off on stuff and it made me gag to walk by her. NOT pleasant.
Even playing Sims wasn't even remotely pleasant. I simply got annoyed with the game and quit.
I've learned something unpleasant about myself: I'm not mature enough to live on my own. I do nothing but mope, sitting idly by and buying DVDs left and right to feed my boredom. I got so depressed and lonesome that I just... lost it. And I realized I was losing it, and tried to stop it. And got worse and worse. Desperation will do weird stuff to a person. Even now, as I commit these words to text, I'm overreacting, and I know it. But I just... I want to post this to my journal, and can't. I want my internet back. I want my parents back. I want things to go back to the way they were before. And you know what? They will, tomorrow.
I don't even want to go to work, I'm so upset. Nor do I want to go to the doctor's office. I just want to sit here and cry or sulk, and yet once Mom and Dad are home, I know that things'll just be as usual. But I'm so tired of being disconnected. I got four phone calls all weekend, from the time the phones were reconnected until now. Dr Rambousek's office reminding me about my appointment, Grandma Betty checking to see if I'd heard anything, Brian calling to make sure everything was okay, and finally Mom calling from Klamath Falls to say she and Dad will be home tomorrow.
My room is a disaster, I just barely finished picking up the kitchen so it's not quite so bad, and I'm still too lazy to care. I really don't like what I become when I'm on my own for too long. I know mom's going to be upset when she sees how much money I spent while they were gone, but I was BORED, and I fell apart. And dammit, did I ever pick a bad Anime to get hooked on when I'm not emotionally sound. Holy shit. This is why I like spoilers -- I like to know how something is going to end, so that I don't get surprised. I don't like surprises, I don't like how I feel when I am surprised.
January 15, 2007
So, the saga continues. Mom and Dad are home, but the internet's not working. Of COURSE it's not working. Fucking hell, dude, but I'm tired of this. Well, at least Mom and Dad are home so I don't have to eat crap or cook. Or something. My day has definitely been a very lame one. I started my day off breaking a glass bowl right before leaving for work. I was about ready to burst into tears when it happened. I'm so bored right now, that I'm going to play Sims for a while. *sigh* God I'm tired of being so disconnected. This is MORE THAN A FUCKING WEEK, people! I'm tired of waiting. ARGH!
I'm still shaken up over the conclusion of "Fullmetal Alchemist" -- I mean, that wasn't what I expected, to have Ed and Al sacrifice themselves for each other, and have them end up apart. That just sucks hardcore. I hope "Conqueror of Shamballa" brings a resolution to this madness, because damn this sucks. This anime has made me cry more than once. I don't know what it is about it that's so heart-wrenching, if it's the selfless devotion of two brothers to each other, or the fact that they're just BOYS. They have the spirits of pre-teens, and they're taking on things that cows even adults. I was stunned spitless when Maes Hughes died, and then to have Ed die, and then be brought back at Al's expense, and have Ed sacrifice himself to bring Al back... argh. Seriously? I think it was at the point at which I learned that Sloth was the boys' mother as a homunculus that I realized how freakin' heavy and dark this anime really is. I'm not surprised that the Fuhrer was a homunculus, I'd suspected he was something weird from the outset, but...
-----
So, there.
Yeah.
Um.
I very, very nearly, out of sheer loneliness, picked up the phone and called its_art since I do still have her phone number, but I chickened out. I wasn't sure she'd be able to talk anyway. I wanted to, but at the last minute, I totally chickened out.
OH, and it snowed this morning, about five-thirty or so.
To everyone who's been wondering where I went: So sorry! The phone company became assholes and disconnected us on Monday (LAST week, on the 8th) and didn't get turned back on until Friday, and the internet wouldn't connect. Mom and Dad were out of town until yesterday, and the internet still wasn't working, so we had to have a technician come out and fix the router. ARGH!
So, yeah. Back. I also got into an Anime during my hiatus. I watched the entire TV series of "Fullmetal Alchemist" -- and I gotta say, that show broke me. The ending put me in tears! That's NOT how an anime is supposed to end, dammit! I still have yet to see "Conqueror of Shamballa" which is supposed to tie up loose ends, but damn. There were various points in the series that made me cry, and when I reached the final episode, and saw the outcome, I lost it. I literally broke down. I was emotionally unstable as it was.
Okay, while I was disconnected from the internet, I tried to keep a pseudo journal entry. I'm going to post it here now just for the sake of recording.
January 14, 2007
You know something? I discovered something about myself this weekend. I'm not ready to be on my own. I need supervision still, or else I just come apart at the seams. You could say that I faced the demons... and got my butt absolutely thrashed. You could say I got my ass kicked by emotions or by "sins" (sloth, gluttony, envy...) In the end, it doesn't matter. I've been an emotional wreck since Sunday morning, too depressed to do anything, and too upset to care. Around 5pm, when I finished "Fullmetal Alchemist" is when I fell apart. I blew a gasket, so to speak. I couldn't stand it any longer. That show just really touched a nerve. I can't stand that it was so... tragic. Anime shows aren't supposed to have that kind of ending. Combine that with my frustration over no internet and no contact from Mom and Dad, and I just... lost it. I wandered around the house, sobbing from frustration and cursing myself for being so weak that it bothered me. I didn't get any chores I'd meant to do done, I just shoved the dogs outside and ignored them. I ended up having to wash Kimba's butt because she came in with a turd so big I couldn't ignore it -- it was rubbing off on stuff and it made me gag to walk by her. NOT pleasant.
Even playing Sims wasn't even remotely pleasant. I simply got annoyed with the game and quit.
I've learned something unpleasant about myself: I'm not mature enough to live on my own. I do nothing but mope, sitting idly by and buying DVDs left and right to feed my boredom. I got so depressed and lonesome that I just... lost it. And I realized I was losing it, and tried to stop it. And got worse and worse. Desperation will do weird stuff to a person. Even now, as I commit these words to text, I'm overreacting, and I know it. But I just... I want to post this to my journal, and can't. I want my internet back. I want my parents back. I want things to go back to the way they were before. And you know what? They will, tomorrow.
I don't even want to go to work, I'm so upset. Nor do I want to go to the doctor's office. I just want to sit here and cry or sulk, and yet once Mom and Dad are home, I know that things'll just be as usual. But I'm so tired of being disconnected. I got four phone calls all weekend, from the time the phones were reconnected until now. Dr Rambousek's office reminding me about my appointment, Grandma Betty checking to see if I'd heard anything, Brian calling to make sure everything was okay, and finally Mom calling from Klamath Falls to say she and Dad will be home tomorrow.
My room is a disaster, I just barely finished picking up the kitchen so it's not quite so bad, and I'm still too lazy to care. I really don't like what I become when I'm on my own for too long. I know mom's going to be upset when she sees how much money I spent while they were gone, but I was BORED, and I fell apart. And dammit, did I ever pick a bad Anime to get hooked on when I'm not emotionally sound. Holy shit. This is why I like spoilers -- I like to know how something is going to end, so that I don't get surprised. I don't like surprises, I don't like how I feel when I am surprised.
January 15, 2007
So, the saga continues. Mom and Dad are home, but the internet's not working. Of COURSE it's not working. Fucking hell, dude, but I'm tired of this. Well, at least Mom and Dad are home so I don't have to eat crap or cook. Or something. My day has definitely been a very lame one. I started my day off breaking a glass bowl right before leaving for work. I was about ready to burst into tears when it happened. I'm so bored right now, that I'm going to play Sims for a while. *sigh* God I'm tired of being so disconnected. This is MORE THAN A FUCKING WEEK, people! I'm tired of waiting. ARGH!
I'm still shaken up over the conclusion of "Fullmetal Alchemist" -- I mean, that wasn't what I expected, to have Ed and Al sacrifice themselves for each other, and have them end up apart. That just sucks hardcore. I hope "Conqueror of Shamballa" brings a resolution to this madness, because damn this sucks. This anime has made me cry more than once. I don't know what it is about it that's so heart-wrenching, if it's the selfless devotion of two brothers to each other, or the fact that they're just BOYS. They have the spirits of pre-teens, and they're taking on things that cows even adults. I was stunned spitless when Maes Hughes died, and then to have Ed die, and then be brought back at Al's expense, and have Ed sacrifice himself to bring Al back... argh. Seriously? I think it was at the point at which I learned that Sloth was the boys' mother as a homunculus that I realized how freakin' heavy and dark this anime really is. I'm not surprised that the Fuhrer was a homunculus, I'd suspected he was something weird from the outset, but...
-----
So, there.
Yeah.
Um.
I very, very nearly, out of sheer loneliness, picked up the phone and called its_art since I do still have her phone number, but I chickened out. I wasn't sure she'd be able to talk anyway. I wanted to, but at the last minute, I totally chickened out.
OH, and it snowed this morning, about five-thirty or so.