Revisiting my dreams...
And so another year passes...
I'm currently lying on the living room couch, incredibly sick but mentally restless. Mr. Fantastic lies asleep, upstairs, exiled from me for his own health. In this time when I can't sleep, can't really do much of anything, I turn to my thoughts and, as usual, revisit the year that is almost over.
The past few months have been hard for me: I've been incredibly busy at work (since February, I've been working at a fundraising company that supports non-profit organizations and have proven myself in my position as the company's HR & Benefits Coordinator); battling illnesses and exhaustion; and suffered a blow to my creative world as my friend and business associate, Cleo, decided to move to California in an effort to escape her heartbreak.
As you may know, I've worked with Cleo since I first moved to Seattle 7 years ago. Her craft business provided a creative outlet for me as I attempted to find my own dreams and in the years that followed, Cleo herself, became an inspiration to me. I value her knowledge and advice in running a craft business but I've come to value her friendship more. I've seen her struggles and her sacrifices (in business and in life) and I've grown to admire the strength with which she continues to pursue her dreams. Her move to California seemed sudden but time moved quickly between us ever since I started working full-time in February. I can't say I was surprised and of course, I fully support her in all her endeavors, but in the days that followed her telling me of her move, I began to feel the feeling of loss and emptiness growing inside me. The selfish side of me was beginning to realize that, without Cleo, I would no longer have a creative outlet; a friend whose craft business had always factored into my dreams for the future: I wanted to continue to help her grow her business. As we talked about her impending move and weighed the options of staying or going, she told me that her spirit was waning: she was entertaining the idea of giving up her business altogether. Maybe it was time for her to give up her dream and find a day job with normal steady income you can rely on. I was hurt. She was my inspiration: I hoped someday to be like her, owning my own business, having the strength and courage to pursue my dreams... How could she just abandon it like that?
It has been several months since the day she told me she'd be leaving. As usual, I've been caught up in the everyday, not noticing or paying attention to the sinking feeling in my soul. Up until a couple weeks ago, I had barely begun to address it. And then all of the sudden, it demanded my attention. I started to feel anxiety about staying at my job (I love my job and the people I work with... I actually have an awesome boss) and the thought that I was wasting my life began to creep it's way into my subconscious. Everyday I would wake up with a heavy heart and feeling like I was always on the verge of tears. I realize now I was prematurely mourning the death of my dreams. That sinking feeling, the one that made me think I was wasting my life; that was my ego telling me, finally, I'm so much better than I think I am. That was my confidence trying to come out.
My confidence and I have a very shaky relationship. It wants to be nourished with compliments and I starve it. It's only sustenance is praise received from other people. In my life there have been many who have praised me for talents they perceived and as my confidence tried to grow I would squash it down with the idea that it was not truth, just an opinion, and one I did not agree with. I grew up with the notion that having confidence created ego, which became arrogance, which begot hatred, and nobody wants to be hated for having a big head. My solution: stop it at the source - praise and confidence. Now, I know some might not understand that way of thinking but I won't be the first to say that it's very common in my culture. The idea behind it is that the individual is not important, it is the community that should shine. This is what growing up with a communist ideology does: the self ceases to matter and it's only duty becomes sacrifice.
Since I had finally come to the realization that, perhaps, I was beginning to believe in myself, I wondered how and why the change was hitting me now. Surely there had to be a reason. It occurred to me that, for the first time in my life, I'm in a relatively healthy relationship, I am surrounded with people I trust and whom support me, and I finally have a job where I'm proud of what we do and the role I play. The people I work with are like-minded individuals with artistic talents of their own, who I respect, and my boss is more like my friend and mentor. I'm in a work environment where I'm encouraged to think on my own, I'm supported in my decisions, and I have the opportunity to showcase my skills. My coworkers have commented on my "talents" and have urged me to make a go at my own business, much like Cleo's (less hair, more miscellaneous crafts and jewelry); even my boss constantly tells me she's impressed. It dawned on me that, in this environment where I'm surrounded by positive thinking, praise, and passion, my confidence has been inching it's way closer and closer to the surface so that now, I can no longer ignore it - nor do I want to. I deserve this.
With newfound confidence, drive, and a recently vacated spot in my heart for a crafting business, I decided to discuss my future with Mr. Fantastic. Together, we have decided to work on my new dream of owning my own craft business where I can sell my jewelry, amigurumi stuffed animals, embroidered boxes, and anything else I may choose to endeavor in. We will keep our day jobs, of course, but our goal is to, one day, have our own restaurant (Mr. Fantastic's) and craft business (mine).
Dan's latest writing (see http://t.co/3WgljGXC) talks of letting go of the past, of freeing the things we cling to for comfort or as lessons to ourselves. His writing all hovers on the central theme of fresh starts, new beginnings, and the pursuit of dreams. In one of his earlier posts, he mentions the passion with which some pursue their dreams saying, "It's been said that 'writer's write.' It is their one defining characteristic, and no single force short of death could stop them from doing so.... Apathy, depression, self-doubt, or self-flagellation might have stalled me, but they did not - could not - extinguish the fire in the furnace that drives the machine that I will become." I choose to agree. This is how I want to live my life from now on.
In the words of Dan, "For some reason I've let [my life] be full of unfulfilled potential. Today, the fresh start begins."
I'm currently lying on the living room couch, incredibly sick but mentally restless. Mr. Fantastic lies asleep, upstairs, exiled from me for his own health. In this time when I can't sleep, can't really do much of anything, I turn to my thoughts and, as usual, revisit the year that is almost over.
The past few months have been hard for me: I've been incredibly busy at work (since February, I've been working at a fundraising company that supports non-profit organizations and have proven myself in my position as the company's HR & Benefits Coordinator); battling illnesses and exhaustion; and suffered a blow to my creative world as my friend and business associate, Cleo, decided to move to California in an effort to escape her heartbreak.
As you may know, I've worked with Cleo since I first moved to Seattle 7 years ago. Her craft business provided a creative outlet for me as I attempted to find my own dreams and in the years that followed, Cleo herself, became an inspiration to me. I value her knowledge and advice in running a craft business but I've come to value her friendship more. I've seen her struggles and her sacrifices (in business and in life) and I've grown to admire the strength with which she continues to pursue her dreams. Her move to California seemed sudden but time moved quickly between us ever since I started working full-time in February. I can't say I was surprised and of course, I fully support her in all her endeavors, but in the days that followed her telling me of her move, I began to feel the feeling of loss and emptiness growing inside me. The selfish side of me was beginning to realize that, without Cleo, I would no longer have a creative outlet; a friend whose craft business had always factored into my dreams for the future: I wanted to continue to help her grow her business. As we talked about her impending move and weighed the options of staying or going, she told me that her spirit was waning: she was entertaining the idea of giving up her business altogether. Maybe it was time for her to give up her dream and find a day job with normal steady income you can rely on. I was hurt. She was my inspiration: I hoped someday to be like her, owning my own business, having the strength and courage to pursue my dreams... How could she just abandon it like that?
It has been several months since the day she told me she'd be leaving. As usual, I've been caught up in the everyday, not noticing or paying attention to the sinking feeling in my soul. Up until a couple weeks ago, I had barely begun to address it. And then all of the sudden, it demanded my attention. I started to feel anxiety about staying at my job (I love my job and the people I work with... I actually have an awesome boss) and the thought that I was wasting my life began to creep it's way into my subconscious. Everyday I would wake up with a heavy heart and feeling like I was always on the verge of tears. I realize now I was prematurely mourning the death of my dreams. That sinking feeling, the one that made me think I was wasting my life; that was my ego telling me, finally, I'm so much better than I think I am. That was my confidence trying to come out.
My confidence and I have a very shaky relationship. It wants to be nourished with compliments and I starve it. It's only sustenance is praise received from other people. In my life there have been many who have praised me for talents they perceived and as my confidence tried to grow I would squash it down with the idea that it was not truth, just an opinion, and one I did not agree with. I grew up with the notion that having confidence created ego, which became arrogance, which begot hatred, and nobody wants to be hated for having a big head. My solution: stop it at the source - praise and confidence. Now, I know some might not understand that way of thinking but I won't be the first to say that it's very common in my culture. The idea behind it is that the individual is not important, it is the community that should shine. This is what growing up with a communist ideology does: the self ceases to matter and it's only duty becomes sacrifice.
Since I had finally come to the realization that, perhaps, I was beginning to believe in myself, I wondered how and why the change was hitting me now. Surely there had to be a reason. It occurred to me that, for the first time in my life, I'm in a relatively healthy relationship, I am surrounded with people I trust and whom support me, and I finally have a job where I'm proud of what we do and the role I play. The people I work with are like-minded individuals with artistic talents of their own, who I respect, and my boss is more like my friend and mentor. I'm in a work environment where I'm encouraged to think on my own, I'm supported in my decisions, and I have the opportunity to showcase my skills. My coworkers have commented on my "talents" and have urged me to make a go at my own business, much like Cleo's (less hair, more miscellaneous crafts and jewelry); even my boss constantly tells me she's impressed. It dawned on me that, in this environment where I'm surrounded by positive thinking, praise, and passion, my confidence has been inching it's way closer and closer to the surface so that now, I can no longer ignore it - nor do I want to. I deserve this.
With newfound confidence, drive, and a recently vacated spot in my heart for a crafting business, I decided to discuss my future with Mr. Fantastic. Together, we have decided to work on my new dream of owning my own craft business where I can sell my jewelry, amigurumi stuffed animals, embroidered boxes, and anything else I may choose to endeavor in. We will keep our day jobs, of course, but our goal is to, one day, have our own restaurant (Mr. Fantastic's) and craft business (mine).
Dan's latest writing (see http://t.co/3WgljGXC) talks of letting go of the past, of freeing the things we cling to for comfort or as lessons to ourselves. His writing all hovers on the central theme of fresh starts, new beginnings, and the pursuit of dreams. In one of his earlier posts, he mentions the passion with which some pursue their dreams saying, "It's been said that 'writer's write.' It is their one defining characteristic, and no single force short of death could stop them from doing so.... Apathy, depression, self-doubt, or self-flagellation might have stalled me, but they did not - could not - extinguish the fire in the furnace that drives the machine that I will become." I choose to agree. This is how I want to live my life from now on.
In the words of Dan, "For some reason I've let [my life] be full of unfulfilled potential. Today, the fresh start begins."