Coast of Florida broadcast: I miss you
I had a dream that made me wake up feeling like I should check livejournal. I thought I'd find something, but I didn't. Dreams are retarded.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to make another lj. My dream had a lot of emotions and instances from my past, and I woke up feeling old, yet unexperienced. It always frightens me to think about the end of my life, mostly because I have big regrets about my youth. Regrets that I want my future to make up for. I wish I had studied more and gotten better grades throughout my educational career. I wish I had been braver, more self-aware, and less lazy. I wish I had taken part in more in high school, and not run through it all like I couldn't wait for it to end. I spent three years in community college. I spent a year here at UCF, almost, and I'm just now getting into the program I want, which will take three years to complete. Even if I finish "on time," I'll have been in college for six years. I don't like being That Person. I don't mind being in Florida, and I like this school, but I miss the ocean. It makes me feel lost, being so far away from it. I should take Justine to the beach this week, even if we just walk up and down the shore. There's something about an endless expanse of blue water that makes you feel a little better about your life.
I know I'm only 22, but I had plans, man. I expected to be in New York for college. I expected a lot of things. I feel old. I don't want to finally have what I want when I'm 30. This advisor helped me see that I have a long life ahead of me (supposedly) and that three more years is peanuts if I can do what I love for the rest of it. But I honestly don't expect to become a director, or to even work on a movie that gets any real attention. What I really hope for is just to be involved in the discussion. I just want to be around people I love, in an environment that suits me, with a job that pays the bills and at least lets me be around that world. That music, that juice. I just want a sip.
In thinking about my past livejournal experience, I was reminded of how much I used to long for a passion. Something that I could focus all of my creativity on, and not merely exist, knowing others were already making tracks to immortality. My goals are not so lofty now, but I have found something, and I have someone, and I'm in a place I'm very lucky to be in. That's more than enough for now.
Plus, I don't think I'd like myself if I didn't always have an itch.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to make another lj. My dream had a lot of emotions and instances from my past, and I woke up feeling old, yet unexperienced. It always frightens me to think about the end of my life, mostly because I have big regrets about my youth. Regrets that I want my future to make up for. I wish I had studied more and gotten better grades throughout my educational career. I wish I had been braver, more self-aware, and less lazy. I wish I had taken part in more in high school, and not run through it all like I couldn't wait for it to end. I spent three years in community college. I spent a year here at UCF, almost, and I'm just now getting into the program I want, which will take three years to complete. Even if I finish "on time," I'll have been in college for six years. I don't like being That Person. I don't mind being in Florida, and I like this school, but I miss the ocean. It makes me feel lost, being so far away from it. I should take Justine to the beach this week, even if we just walk up and down the shore. There's something about an endless expanse of blue water that makes you feel a little better about your life.
I know I'm only 22, but I had plans, man. I expected to be in New York for college. I expected a lot of things. I feel old. I don't want to finally have what I want when I'm 30. This advisor helped me see that I have a long life ahead of me (supposedly) and that three more years is peanuts if I can do what I love for the rest of it. But I honestly don't expect to become a director, or to even work on a movie that gets any real attention. What I really hope for is just to be involved in the discussion. I just want to be around people I love, in an environment that suits me, with a job that pays the bills and at least lets me be around that world. That music, that juice. I just want a sip.
In thinking about my past livejournal experience, I was reminded of how much I used to long for a passion. Something that I could focus all of my creativity on, and not merely exist, knowing others were already making tracks to immortality. My goals are not so lofty now, but I have found something, and I have someone, and I'm in a place I'm very lucky to be in. That's more than enough for now.
Plus, I don't think I'd like myself if I didn't always have an itch.