you all knew this was coming ....
so .... I've been thinking .... about life, about things .... and it's me so of course I thought about love .... I believe in fate and that some things happen for a reason, and some things are just meant to be random to brighten your day, week, life .... people come and go out of your life. Love is felt in cycles. you can love deeply and passionately and have it fade to a pleasant memory ... that's what he is now ... and I'm glad for it ... no, we never dated ... I never told him that I thought myself in love, and never knew how he felt about me ... but because of the end result and of the end result of relationships since then, I'm starting to wonder if I'm even meant to be in love .... I've had my heart broken, true ... but who hasn't ... but never have I been afraid of it ... quite the opposite I usually threw all of me out there and that's why I always ended up hurt so badly, even if it was mutual .... because I had given all of me .... I don't want serious right now .... not because I'm busy or still hurting .... even though those are some reasons ... but it comes down to the fact that I'm terrified of giving my heart again .... terrified of losing another part of me when things don't work out .... and the worse part is this applies to all my relationships ... including friendship .... I've had so many of them come and go out of my life ... and heart ache there too ... nothing I do is half way ... I love and trust completely ... and in doing so have gotten hurt and betrayed .... I wish life was easy, but at the same time it's those challenges and coming to trust and love that make life worth it ...
I'm going to be 20 years old ... and honestly I think that scares me .... it's almost like a blatant slap in the face that I am no longer a child or a teenager .... I still feel so young and as if I have experienced so little and yet at the same time, I feel old and ready to move on to different things .... I feel as though I've skipped the whole "live life, be crazy, and fuck the consequences" stage .... part of me wants to live that, but another is even more ready to "settle down" whatever that means .... I'd love to go out and be crazy and not worry ... but honestly I usually end up having to be the responsible one and take care of everyone else ... it's not that I don't trust others to watch over me, and take care of me if I need it ... but I've learned that a lot of people would rather not and when it comes down to it, even after they say they will be the "responsible" one for the night, they usually end up more fucked up then me, forcing me to become the "mother" once again .... I'm sick of it .... ok so I guess that does mean I don't trust people to take care of me if need be .... but one night I just want to relax, have fun, and know that I can depend on someone to be the sober one .... maybe that's my problem .... I don't know many people that I would left myself depend on .... I usually deal with my own problems, my own way .... perhaps that's a bad trait, but I've been let down so many times that's it's hard for me to utter the words "I need help" and believe that someone will answer ... and I know I might get a few comments saying that of course you'd help me, but honestly if I called you at 2 am crying, and just needed to talk I don't know how many of you would be willing to listen .... and I know that sounds horrible and mean ... but that's how I think, and it explains the way I act sometimes .... I push away the hardest when I really need people ... I don't let people see me cry, and I don't let people in far enough to see my problems .... mainly because so many people say they understand when they really don't ....
ok .... I've probably pissed off just about everyone that read this .... so .... I think I'm going to finish now .... but I will say this ... if I do open up to you and tell you what's wrong when I'm upset about it, then you're probably one of the very few people that I've let into my life and I hope you know who you are and know how much you mean to me ... and if I tell you afterward you still mean a lot and I value your advice and the fact that I know you're there for me to rant or vent to .... and for those that get to see the "always happy" me ... please don't feel bad about this, you mean a lot to me too because you're the ones that get my mind off my problems and allow me to have fun and stop thinking, even if it is for a little while .... so basically I love you all! lol and now after writing so damn much ... I feel in a much better mood so off to bed I go ....
I'm going to be 20 years old ... and honestly I think that scares me .... it's almost like a blatant slap in the face that I am no longer a child or a teenager .... I still feel so young and as if I have experienced so little and yet at the same time, I feel old and ready to move on to different things .... I feel as though I've skipped the whole "live life, be crazy, and fuck the consequences" stage .... part of me wants to live that, but another is even more ready to "settle down" whatever that means .... I'd love to go out and be crazy and not worry ... but honestly I usually end up having to be the responsible one and take care of everyone else ... it's not that I don't trust others to watch over me, and take care of me if I need it ... but I've learned that a lot of people would rather not and when it comes down to it, even after they say they will be the "responsible" one for the night, they usually end up more fucked up then me, forcing me to become the "mother" once again .... I'm sick of it .... ok so I guess that does mean I don't trust people to take care of me if need be .... but one night I just want to relax, have fun, and know that I can depend on someone to be the sober one .... maybe that's my problem .... I don't know many people that I would left myself depend on .... I usually deal with my own problems, my own way .... perhaps that's a bad trait, but I've been let down so many times that's it's hard for me to utter the words "I need help" and believe that someone will answer ... and I know I might get a few comments saying that of course you'd help me, but honestly if I called you at 2 am crying, and just needed to talk I don't know how many of you would be willing to listen .... and I know that sounds horrible and mean ... but that's how I think, and it explains the way I act sometimes .... I push away the hardest when I really need people ... I don't let people see me cry, and I don't let people in far enough to see my problems .... mainly because so many people say they understand when they really don't ....
ok .... I've probably pissed off just about everyone that read this .... so .... I think I'm going to finish now .... but I will say this ... if I do open up to you and tell you what's wrong when I'm upset about it, then you're probably one of the very few people that I've let into my life and I hope you know who you are and know how much you mean to me ... and if I tell you afterward you still mean a lot and I value your advice and the fact that I know you're there for me to rant or vent to .... and for those that get to see the "always happy" me ... please don't feel bad about this, you mean a lot to me too because you're the ones that get my mind off my problems and allow me to have fun and stop thinking, even if it is for a little while .... so basically I love you all! lol and now after writing so damn much ... I feel in a much better mood so off to bed I go ....