Connections with myself
Life blows.
because if this simple fact. you Exist here... not with god not with anyone. you are one being supposed to be connected to other beings. And yet how come I don't feel like I am connected. I feel dislogged from everyone. and some times my boyfriend treats me like a friend. yeah i guess that is fine and all but he just doesnt get it. and i know i should be more independent with my life. however, with that i feel like i will loose him, as though we will grow appart from one another. At one point or another i feel like that is happening anyway... i just wish that it wouldnt. i wish that i can feel connected again. I feel like there is nothing that makes me happy anymore. that i say things just to make people happy. even with god. you are supposed to fear and love him and i dont know how i feel anymore. like my problems just keep building up that its too hard to feel good about myself. lately my new word is "stupid." my favorite comment about myself is that "I'm stupid." Tonight, my Paster was talking about three steps you can take to move away from god (without knowing it). Then he was speeking about 2 ways you can take to walk with god again.
I dont know what I've done wrong. But I do admit something I did was wrong and I am fully sorry for it!
My life seems to be taking a spiral down words from here. My parents are angry because i cant pay rent, or that i haven't done something for them. they even speak like im not even there. I worthless and lately, my boyfriend and words cant make me feel any better. "Sorries" dont work and neither does "i dk what to say." I know its the same old babble. but realize im in pain. i go to church, im going to bible studies. Im learning the word... So why dont i feel better. why do i get critized for being myself. Why in the mirror do i only look for a split second.
why do i feel happy for a short peroid of time. Why, after church, am i not happier now.
Why...?
because if this simple fact. you Exist here... not with god not with anyone. you are one being supposed to be connected to other beings. And yet how come I don't feel like I am connected. I feel dislogged from everyone. and some times my boyfriend treats me like a friend. yeah i guess that is fine and all but he just doesnt get it. and i know i should be more independent with my life. however, with that i feel like i will loose him, as though we will grow appart from one another. At one point or another i feel like that is happening anyway... i just wish that it wouldnt. i wish that i can feel connected again. I feel like there is nothing that makes me happy anymore. that i say things just to make people happy. even with god. you are supposed to fear and love him and i dont know how i feel anymore. like my problems just keep building up that its too hard to feel good about myself. lately my new word is "stupid." my favorite comment about myself is that "I'm stupid." Tonight, my Paster was talking about three steps you can take to move away from god (without knowing it). Then he was speeking about 2 ways you can take to walk with god again.
I dont know what I've done wrong. But I do admit something I did was wrong and I am fully sorry for it!
My life seems to be taking a spiral down words from here. My parents are angry because i cant pay rent, or that i haven't done something for them. they even speak like im not even there. I worthless and lately, my boyfriend and words cant make me feel any better. "Sorries" dont work and neither does "i dk what to say." I know its the same old babble. but realize im in pain. i go to church, im going to bible studies. Im learning the word... So why dont i feel better. why do i get critized for being myself. Why in the mirror do i only look for a split second.
why do i feel happy for a short peroid of time. Why, after church, am i not happier now.
Why...?