the movement and the spin
So i'm on facebook and i come across this girl, Shayla Lawson. I had heard of her before because she was a Gaines fellow, but i never really knew anything about her.
I spent some time on her website. I read her poems; they're SO GOOD. The title of her dissertation intrigued me: "MY ANCESTOR ANTENNA," Black hair and its relation to African-American identity across the diaspora. I don't even know what diaspora means. Or griot, another word she used that i'm gonna have to look up in a few minutes. She went to GSA for creative writing and she does all of these architectural jobs. She's an activist and a philanthropist and this awesome awesome person (i can tell) who's majorly intelligent and seems to have a really good heart.
I guess what stuck out to me (other than the fact that the woman has her own website) was the fact that she's black. Since i'm black, i sort of felt like i identified with her in a way, like whoa, here's a black girl who's quoting isaac mizrahi instead of like, i dunno, Malcolm X or Little John. Not that it's wrong to quote the latter two, but i just find so many African-Americans who fit their own stereotypes that it amazes me. Or maybe amazes isn't the right word.
So anyhow, i felt as if i identified with her racially, and somehwat on an intellectual level. But she seems so much more intellectual than i do. So much smarter. Still, not that hard to do. But what stuck out to me most is that she's... i dunno, she's gracefully black. She owns it. She's proud of it. I've never really felt like that before. Even having these braids... on the one hand it's like hey, i have braids, how ethnic. But on the other hand, why do i like them? Well, i've always admired long hair (re: sophia, fabiola, jillian) and people without bangs (most girls, period). I like the idea of hair that swings and flows because that's what i see as attractive. But it's still such a white standard. I looked at her favorite music-- she likes nina simone. The only reason i've even heard of nina simone is that there was a song playing in the movie cellular that was a remix of one her songs... and i downloaded it. I feel like i wouldn't even know how to write a poem about being black because i can't even count the black friends i have on one hand. I don't identify with my culture. I don't identify with my race.
It made me feel so... i don't even know the word for it. Not fake, because i've been this way as long as i can remember. Perhaps it's mostly been an environmental thing, but that's not really important. I just sort of feel cowardly, like i'm not being who i'm supposed to be because i'm not really proud of it. I wince when i see tricked out cars with spinners, or hear ebonics spoken on campus, or hear some guy call me shorty. Because i think, "this is the group i have to be lumped into." But is that true? People know i'm not like that. So why can't i just look at myself as an individual?
At times, i even wonder if i'm that unique. How many of my favorite bands have i sought out on my own? I have big aspirations of being a clinical psychologist someday, but i have no great plan to make a change in the world. I don't even watch the news. I guess what i'm trying to say is that i feel somewhat shallow...no, not even shallow, because here i continue to compare myself to others and i think i'm a deep enough person. I just feel like people like Shayla are out there building houses for people and making speeches while i lie in bed and think of how awesome it would be to end up married to Kevin Harrelson. I feel sort of one-dimensional. And guys are not the problem. If they are, it's not my fault, because if you were me, you'd be the same way, trust me. I just feel like if i identify most with whites naturally-- and i do-- fine. But i guess i just never really looked up to many people who didn't. Oh-- and i tried to write a poem for the WWC once... it sucked.
But i look up to Shayla. I think she's a cool girl and i wish i had met her when she went to UK. It's funny because when i interviewed for Gaines (something that i, in comparison to someone like her, see why i didn't get), Dan asked me if i would feel odd being the only black person in the Gaines program. My answer to that was pretty much the same answer i'd give if you replaced Gaines program with Honors class, or friend group, or GSP RA staff: no.
But a part of me feels like my no came a little too quickly, a little too indignantly. I mean not that i want to feel different, but maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if i did. I think mentally, since alot of the time my focus is on guys i'd like to date, i focus alot of subconscious energy on trying to convince them that (and it embarrasses me to type this) dating me wouldn't be any different than dating someone white. And in my eyes, it wouldn't be. But maybe it actually would.
I'm not sure what my point is. Essentially, i want to give props to Shayla for being who she is. I'm also in the business of being who i am, but i guess i just feel like it's not as cool? Not that i'm down on myself now. It just made me think, in a beneficial way. Thanks, facebook. You actually did me some good today.
I spent some time on her website. I read her poems; they're SO GOOD. The title of her dissertation intrigued me: "MY ANCESTOR ANTENNA," Black hair and its relation to African-American identity across the diaspora. I don't even know what diaspora means. Or griot, another word she used that i'm gonna have to look up in a few minutes. She went to GSA for creative writing and she does all of these architectural jobs. She's an activist and a philanthropist and this awesome awesome person (i can tell) who's majorly intelligent and seems to have a really good heart.
I guess what stuck out to me (other than the fact that the woman has her own website) was the fact that she's black. Since i'm black, i sort of felt like i identified with her in a way, like whoa, here's a black girl who's quoting isaac mizrahi instead of like, i dunno, Malcolm X or Little John. Not that it's wrong to quote the latter two, but i just find so many African-Americans who fit their own stereotypes that it amazes me. Or maybe amazes isn't the right word.
So anyhow, i felt as if i identified with her racially, and somehwat on an intellectual level. But she seems so much more intellectual than i do. So much smarter. Still, not that hard to do. But what stuck out to me most is that she's... i dunno, she's gracefully black. She owns it. She's proud of it. I've never really felt like that before. Even having these braids... on the one hand it's like hey, i have braids, how ethnic. But on the other hand, why do i like them? Well, i've always admired long hair (re: sophia, fabiola, jillian) and people without bangs (most girls, period). I like the idea of hair that swings and flows because that's what i see as attractive. But it's still such a white standard. I looked at her favorite music-- she likes nina simone. The only reason i've even heard of nina simone is that there was a song playing in the movie cellular that was a remix of one her songs... and i downloaded it. I feel like i wouldn't even know how to write a poem about being black because i can't even count the black friends i have on one hand. I don't identify with my culture. I don't identify with my race.
It made me feel so... i don't even know the word for it. Not fake, because i've been this way as long as i can remember. Perhaps it's mostly been an environmental thing, but that's not really important. I just sort of feel cowardly, like i'm not being who i'm supposed to be because i'm not really proud of it. I wince when i see tricked out cars with spinners, or hear ebonics spoken on campus, or hear some guy call me shorty. Because i think, "this is the group i have to be lumped into." But is that true? People know i'm not like that. So why can't i just look at myself as an individual?
At times, i even wonder if i'm that unique. How many of my favorite bands have i sought out on my own? I have big aspirations of being a clinical psychologist someday, but i have no great plan to make a change in the world. I don't even watch the news. I guess what i'm trying to say is that i feel somewhat shallow...no, not even shallow, because here i continue to compare myself to others and i think i'm a deep enough person. I just feel like people like Shayla are out there building houses for people and making speeches while i lie in bed and think of how awesome it would be to end up married to Kevin Harrelson. I feel sort of one-dimensional. And guys are not the problem. If they are, it's not my fault, because if you were me, you'd be the same way, trust me. I just feel like if i identify most with whites naturally-- and i do-- fine. But i guess i just never really looked up to many people who didn't. Oh-- and i tried to write a poem for the WWC once... it sucked.
But i look up to Shayla. I think she's a cool girl and i wish i had met her when she went to UK. It's funny because when i interviewed for Gaines (something that i, in comparison to someone like her, see why i didn't get), Dan asked me if i would feel odd being the only black person in the Gaines program. My answer to that was pretty much the same answer i'd give if you replaced Gaines program with Honors class, or friend group, or GSP RA staff: no.
But a part of me feels like my no came a little too quickly, a little too indignantly. I mean not that i want to feel different, but maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if i did. I think mentally, since alot of the time my focus is on guys i'd like to date, i focus alot of subconscious energy on trying to convince them that (and it embarrasses me to type this) dating me wouldn't be any different than dating someone white. And in my eyes, it wouldn't be. But maybe it actually would.
I'm not sure what my point is. Essentially, i want to give props to Shayla for being who she is. I'm also in the business of being who i am, but i guess i just feel like it's not as cool? Not that i'm down on myself now. It just made me think, in a beneficial way. Thanks, facebook. You actually did me some good today.