you really think you're in control?

May 06, 2006 01:12

So um... i'm back. :)

I just can't quit livejournal. It is a part of me and has been a part of me since high school and just may always be a part of me. I was sitting in sophia's car in the fetal position, wedged between a chair and the door (more about this in tomorrow's entry), stopped at a gas station. And that's when it hit me. "I still want to be close to Nathan. And there's nothing immature about that; it's normal." And not only Nathan, but Jackie and Jazzy and Clay, Laura, Katie, Dan, etc. etc.-- people i'm close to in real life, people i'm not close to in real life, and people who aren't even geographically near me. Also, i have recently become lj friends with my roommate-to-be, Miss Amanda Dunn, and i want her to know how my summer is going and vice versa. On Thursday night when the Kevin wound was still open and sore, i walked into the Patt kitchen and Amanda said that we should talk; and i was thinking "how the heck did she kn---she ready my journal." It's such an odd feeling, that technology can be so "magical" like that. Simply put, being heard is a very wonderful thing, and i'm not ready to give that up.

I also need to relate an especially expedient answer to prayer (or a bizarre coincidence, for those of you with other opinions).

When the Kevin wound was still open and sore, i felt embarrassed and stupid, as you all should know by now. I didn't cry, which surprised me; i think i was too numb. By the end of the night, i was feeling better about it, better in the sense that my self-esteem had risen back up to a normalish level. But then something else set in; it was this immense sadness that sort of alarmed me, because i knew i cared about the man (i will be speaking in past tense because that's what makes the most sense when you read it), but i didn't know i cared that much, you know? Today i realized that i missed him and i wanted to be around him, and not only that, i felt sort of sorry for him, like i had betrayed him and he was hurt and bewildered. No matter how little sense that makes, a part of me felt like he was thinking "is this what it's been all about? She doesn't really care about having intellectual conversations or  watching old films like i do... she just wanted to see me? How could she? Ugh." I got it into my head that i had damaged our friendship and wrecked his opinion of me. And meanwhile that sadness was still there-- the sadness i never had to experience with Chris and Ross because i didn't know them that well, and Will because i never confessed that i liked him until long after i'd stopped and we're still really good friends today. I underestimated how close deep conversations can bring people-- at least in my mind. I underestimated how much it would hurt not being able to be with him because i did care so much. I haven't cared about a guy that much since... well, you know.

I had grown so emotionally attached to him that well, today i did cry. It sucked. I had thought that telling him would give me all this closure-- and it did; i don't regret it. But then i realized i needed more closure, closure that said he still liked me as a person and wasn't annoyed or disgusted. So, calculating girl that i am, i headed over to Starbucks around 1:30 today, hoping to fortuitiously run into him and chuckle and tell him that i was sorry about the whole thing in person (i told him over facebook... i know it seems horribly immature but don't ask). I just needed to see him one more time in person before i left town, and i wasn't about to go to his office lest he think i was really a sick puppy. I didn't run into him, but i did run into Connie and Meg, his two best friend/colleagues. I left having gained only a cup of coffee.

Around 3:30 or so, i was bored, so i decided to stroll over to the Gaines House to make sure Nathan wasn't there (i figured i might as well say goodbye if he was still around), and he wasn't. I was on my way back to Patterson when something told me i had to try one more time; i had to walk by POT so that if i ran into Kevin, i could get that last bit of closure and make sure everything was alright. I thought up a question to ask Dr. Widiger in Kastle Hall (i would have to pass POT to to get to Kastle) and set out on my little journey. On the way, no luck. I went to Kastle and asked my question, said thank you, and left. As i was climbing the stairs, i had one of those minor epiphanies that said "hey Natalie, you know how you're all tight with God? Maybe you should start looking to him for what you need." And i was like "oh yeah." And so i prayed: please, Jesus, just let me see him one more time. Just one more time. I left the building and was walking down that path from Funkhouser to POT, and as i approached POT i started praying again, just one more time, please? just one more time. I recognized that i need to stop depending on myself to fix my problems so much-- the action was the same, but the One i believed was making it happen changed.  Before i could whisper the last "time," i see this guy in a green shirt coming toward me. "No way," i think. But sure enough, it's him, and he waves, and i say hey and call out "i'm sooo sorry, i hope you're not upset with me" to him and he says "don't worry about it, it's ok, what are you up to (i answer and ask if we're still friends)  and he says yes and that he has to go turn in some papers and i said ok bye and it was great. Not fabulous, mind you, but exactly, EXACTLY what i needed so badly.

Now think about this. I have run into him before, but it's always when he's headed towards the street-- either going to the Student Center, or to Patterson or somewhere like that. Never before have i seen him walking in the opposite direction. Now, what are the chances that he would step into the elevator, descend the tower, walk outside, and walk toward CB at the exact moment i was praying to see him one last time and walking toward CB as well? Think what you may, but something in my gut, something in my heart, knows that God was saying, "go now, Kevin, she needs it... silly girl."

I am a silly girl. But some smart things i realized were that:
1) He's not losing sleep over this so i shouldn't be either.
2) I did not harm him. I did not do anything wrong. I told another human being that to me, he is more likable than most human beings i know, and there is absolutely no shame in that. I gave him a compliment, and whether he wanted it or not, it's not something i should beat myself up over. Amirite?

I also learned some lessons:
1) If you're not going to date non-Christians, don't tell non-Christians you like them in hopes that they'll get saved later and maybe kiss you in the meantime. [i was also overwhelmed at how much more i wanted to kiss him since i was emotionally attached, as opposed to most of my crushes, where this doesn't happen. So i let my imagination-- and the fact that he... well, nevermind, let's just leave it at the fact that i get carried away--  run away with me].
2) Don't tell anyone you like them period. I thought i'd learned this lesson after Chris, but i hadn't. From now on, when i'm interested in someone, i'll be nice and maybe even flirt a little, but if they're interested back, they're gonna have to do the pursuing.
3) Nothing is as bad as it seems. I doubt i ruined our friendship or anything. Look at me and Peter, for instance. We're tighter now than we ever were. Harrelson can recongnize the fact that i'm a human being, that these things happen, and let it go.
4) God can help me out so much if i only ask him. This is true always, and it's a shame i rely on people more than i rely on Him. Now i just have to work on waiting for the person he has for me instead of trying to make it work with other people. And professors.

I have yogurt to eat, so i'm gonna go. But i feel so much better now that i typed all of that.

I love you, lj.
I love you, lj friends.
I love you, food that i don't have to pay for.

Ok i'm done.  Furrill.
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