::sigh::
This is the last entry in which i will address "that" issue. I can't ever remember being so emotionally or cognitively volatile... but i think everything has settled down. I no longer have any particularly 'unclean' thoughts or anything of that nature, and my respect for him has been restored, so genuine affection pretty much trumps everything else out. I'm glad, too, becasue that made me very shameful, but now i just feel kind of guilty for being so judgemental. I also feel sort of pathetic for talking to him, not so much because it's odd, but because part of me feels like i'm using him. I say this because it makes me so happy that i feel like i'm getting a "fix"-- of attention, of being heard, of being in the presence of someone i care about, of feeling like i'm spending quality time with him when i think it's safe to say that nothing of the romantic nature would (or even should) conceivably happen.
On the other hand, i have made it quite clear to him that i do this out of sheer enjoyment, so perhaps i'm being too hard on myself. I'm just really not used to being able to amply converse with people i'm interested in; most of the time it's nothing beyond small talk. I'm just so happy during these times... it's almost a tangible happiness that makes the time shoot by. And i deserve to feel that way; i just wish it would come through more normal means.
I'd still date Ross, really. I might get RA in new north next year and if he still is one, i guess that'll be nice. But also not nice becasue then i'll have to admit to myself that i'm still sort of interested in him, and if you admit that to yourself enough when you know it's not reciprocated, you end up feeling stupid and find consolations in odd situations like the one described above. I'd still date Chris, too, but that's the same story. And Peter. John- no (he has a girlfriend, anyhow). Marcus- no (not my type at ALL). But see-- i'm not that picky. I just pick people who'd never pick me.
Laura told me once that i need to guard my heart; i think it's one of the best pieces of advice i've ever received. I just haven't figured out how to do that. Especially with a roommate who can get more or less any guy she wants and sleeps next to her new boyfriend every single night. I'm not saying if i had a boyfriend that i'd sleep next to him. I'm saying that when you find yourself 20 and wanting married life every single day, something's wrong.
But enough of that complaining nonsense. I have Honors reading to do...
"Wait," I began. "How can you believe in sin but not in God?"
"I just do," she said.
"But you can't"
"I can do what I want." She looked at me sternly.
"Okay," I said, knowing that if we got into an argument she would win.
Laura and I didn't talk much about religion after that. She had dreams of becoming a writer, so we talked about liaterature. She would give me articles or essays she had written. I ate them. They were terrific. It was very much an honor to even know her. I coudl sense very deeply that God wanted a relationship with Laura. Ultimately, I believe that God loves and wants a relationship with every human being, but with Laura I could feel God's urgency. Laura, however, wanted little to do with it. She never brought up the idea of God, so I didn't either.
. . .
I felt alive at Reed. Reed is one of the few places on earth where a person can do just about anything they want. On one of my first visits to campus, the American flag had been taken down and replaced with a flag bearing the symbol for anarchy. As odd as it sounds, having grown up in church, I fell in love with the campus. The students were brilliant and engaged. I was fed there, stimulated, and impassioned. I felt connected to the raging current of thoughts and ideas. And what's more, I had more significant spiritual experiences at Reed College than I ever had at church.