(no subject)
...and then i think, no one on the internet wants to hear that shit. no one gives two fucks about why he doesn't miss me and if he does then...
every day i have spent back in california has been full of another friendly face. another drink. another moment of telling myself 'be right here, right now.' another person feeling offended i have not returned their call, showed up at their door, taken them up on their great offer. they must not understand, because i hardly do myself. i think the ones i have been sitting near and talking with have been the ones that, superficially or not, make me feel safe. a few not so much, and then i run back home to hermit until i feel brave again.
at this moment i still wonder to him, what was it about her? but i know. and that makes me regard him less. that worries me. when i am around him i feel that we are the best dressed, not in the literal brand name hundreds of dollars way. just the i can actually look like a class act in a 20 dollar outfit and you couldnt if you tried kind of way, but no pity. i think it is in how we hold ourselves. the most out/soft spoken if we would chose to speak. the most grand. just, better than you. but i would never say it and i would never hold it against someone else. it makes me feel like we're the childless mother &father to children surrounding us wherever we may turn. but allowing oneself to feel that way in the company of another is a dangerous, dangerous thing. especially for me. especially right now. i have been thinking that most of life is filled with dangerous things that we chose to engage in or not depending on our moods and how brave we feel.
so i ran back home yesterday, went to bed when it was light out and slept for 13 straight hours. i unpacked all of my big black trash bags to the tune of my love and the hack that is ryan adams, very loud. some things feel like they dont fit anymore. some i just didnt like this morning. those things stayed in bags and are now in the trash. i still dont have enough room. my biggest regret is leaving my bicycle in the fucking desert. i am going to make that meal that my old coworker taught me and just have water. i am going to go to berkeley and then up the coast this weekend with a dear lady friend of mine and talk only about important things; as it always is with her. and feel safe and beautiful and take deep breaths of ocean air. sounds like a plan.
i wish i had a million bucks. i wish i could move into a place that was alllll mine. that i could buy it and it would be down to the corners exactly the place i wanted. and i could fill it with all of my things and have people come over to oogle and then that they would leave at the end of the night.
word to the wise; i'm pretty fucked up right now so stop taking everything personally and we might get along better, if at all.
yours,
lkp
every day i have spent back in california has been full of another friendly face. another drink. another moment of telling myself 'be right here, right now.' another person feeling offended i have not returned their call, showed up at their door, taken them up on their great offer. they must not understand, because i hardly do myself. i think the ones i have been sitting near and talking with have been the ones that, superficially or not, make me feel safe. a few not so much, and then i run back home to hermit until i feel brave again.
at this moment i still wonder to him, what was it about her? but i know. and that makes me regard him less. that worries me. when i am around him i feel that we are the best dressed, not in the literal brand name hundreds of dollars way. just the i can actually look like a class act in a 20 dollar outfit and you couldnt if you tried kind of way, but no pity. i think it is in how we hold ourselves. the most out/soft spoken if we would chose to speak. the most grand. just, better than you. but i would never say it and i would never hold it against someone else. it makes me feel like we're the childless mother &father to children surrounding us wherever we may turn. but allowing oneself to feel that way in the company of another is a dangerous, dangerous thing. especially for me. especially right now. i have been thinking that most of life is filled with dangerous things that we chose to engage in or not depending on our moods and how brave we feel.
so i ran back home yesterday, went to bed when it was light out and slept for 13 straight hours. i unpacked all of my big black trash bags to the tune of my love and the hack that is ryan adams, very loud. some things feel like they dont fit anymore. some i just didnt like this morning. those things stayed in bags and are now in the trash. i still dont have enough room. my biggest regret is leaving my bicycle in the fucking desert. i am going to make that meal that my old coworker taught me and just have water. i am going to go to berkeley and then up the coast this weekend with a dear lady friend of mine and talk only about important things; as it always is with her. and feel safe and beautiful and take deep breaths of ocean air. sounds like a plan.
i wish i had a million bucks. i wish i could move into a place that was alllll mine. that i could buy it and it would be down to the corners exactly the place i wanted. and i could fill it with all of my things and have people come over to oogle and then that they would leave at the end of the night.
word to the wise; i'm pretty fucked up right now so stop taking everything personally and we might get along better, if at all.
yours,
lkp