(no subject)
In the past few whenevers, I've come to realize two traits about myself:
1. I forget things very easily.
2. I'm not good at changing.
Statement #2 is especially in my mind right now as I have a psych test tommorrow (today, really) that I could still study a lot for. This sort of scenario has happened to me many times in high school, and I would've thought that I'd learn by now.
That brings me to the first statement, because I keep forgetting to make myself change for the better. I always say "I just won't do this next time," but I don't seem to learn. Occaisionally I have flashes of self-improvement, but they aren't as numerous as they could be. No, should be.
In the immediate days after I broke my leg, I thought a lot about how it had happened (especially whenever I had to explain it to someone). I came to the conclusion that I broke my leg because I felt pressured to speed up with the van on my tail. That increase in speed sacrificed my control of my bike without my realizing it, and that's why I went flying onto the pavement when I turned through the roundabout.
I swore that I would never let myself be pushed around again, since this time it produced disastrous results. I lost many things, and among those things I lost, it was my independence that I missed the most. I had to rely on someone else's schedule when it was time to go to class and had to borrow someone else's hands whenever I wanted a full tray of food at the dining commons. All because I let myself get pushed around one too many times. And when I lay in the street with a pain in my ankle and blood on my hands and knees, the bastard driving the van didn't even ask me if I was okay. He just paused, stared at me, and drove on.
But now, here I am, with two functional feet (though the left one still has a few redeveloping joints), and I seem to be forgetting just how much I missed being able to walk and how much stronger I had to become when on crutches. I've forgotten how much I suddenly appreciated being able to bike wherever I wanted and whenever I wanted. I've forgotten how I wished to be able to carry more than one plate of sustenance with more than one hand. I am again taking for granted what I realized I had taken for granted all along.
And even though I've fantasized about myself being an absolute bitch when I know I'm being shortchanged, I still walk out the door without wishing to make a fuss. Okay, that hasn't happened in a literal sense, but what I mean is that I feel like I still don't really stand up for myself when the need arises. Some situations merit it more than others, but what they have in common is that its only afterward when I realize what I let myself get put through, and hence that I failed in my promise to myself again. I still haven't made myself as self-confident as I would like to be. I've told myself that these things take time, but how much time?
...I haven't changed...I've forgotten to change...I need to change my forgetfulness...
But looking back on what I've written on being an absolute bitch, is that really what I want? I could change, but it doesn't need to be that drastic and negative...and I've never really been capable of that anyways.
Whatever. I'm not even sure of what I'm trying to write anymore.
1. I forget things very easily.
2. I'm not good at changing.
Statement #2 is especially in my mind right now as I have a psych test tommorrow (today, really) that I could still study a lot for. This sort of scenario has happened to me many times in high school, and I would've thought that I'd learn by now.
That brings me to the first statement, because I keep forgetting to make myself change for the better. I always say "I just won't do this next time," but I don't seem to learn. Occaisionally I have flashes of self-improvement, but they aren't as numerous as they could be. No, should be.
In the immediate days after I broke my leg, I thought a lot about how it had happened (especially whenever I had to explain it to someone). I came to the conclusion that I broke my leg because I felt pressured to speed up with the van on my tail. That increase in speed sacrificed my control of my bike without my realizing it, and that's why I went flying onto the pavement when I turned through the roundabout.
I swore that I would never let myself be pushed around again, since this time it produced disastrous results. I lost many things, and among those things I lost, it was my independence that I missed the most. I had to rely on someone else's schedule when it was time to go to class and had to borrow someone else's hands whenever I wanted a full tray of food at the dining commons. All because I let myself get pushed around one too many times. And when I lay in the street with a pain in my ankle and blood on my hands and knees, the bastard driving the van didn't even ask me if I was okay. He just paused, stared at me, and drove on.
But now, here I am, with two functional feet (though the left one still has a few redeveloping joints), and I seem to be forgetting just how much I missed being able to walk and how much stronger I had to become when on crutches. I've forgotten how much I suddenly appreciated being able to bike wherever I wanted and whenever I wanted. I've forgotten how I wished to be able to carry more than one plate of sustenance with more than one hand. I am again taking for granted what I realized I had taken for granted all along.
And even though I've fantasized about myself being an absolute bitch when I know I'm being shortchanged, I still walk out the door without wishing to make a fuss. Okay, that hasn't happened in a literal sense, but what I mean is that I feel like I still don't really stand up for myself when the need arises. Some situations merit it more than others, but what they have in common is that its only afterward when I realize what I let myself get put through, and hence that I failed in my promise to myself again. I still haven't made myself as self-confident as I would like to be. I've told myself that these things take time, but how much time?
...I haven't changed...I've forgotten to change...I need to change my forgetfulness...
But looking back on what I've written on being an absolute bitch, is that really what I want? I could change, but it doesn't need to be that drastic and negative...and I've never really been capable of that anyways.
Whatever. I'm not even sure of what I'm trying to write anymore.