My thoughts on Yoga
**So, as I continue my journey through college and find my way, I also find myself taking a Yoga class at MCC. Why? Because with tuition reimbursement and the need for a higher GPA....what's not to love, right? Even in my first class I was disappointed when my professor told us the class didn't go all the way until 21:30. Well. Things have changed some, yes. After my 2nd class I was having mass anxiety and I would get incredibly irritated all throughout class just waiting for it to end and counting the minutes until we were through. I realized that Yoga is a lot different from dance class. A LOT different.
**Dance seems to give me everything I need. The ability to move around, the ability to listen and hum along to music while I move around and the feeling of absolute excitement when you hit EVERY step just right and it all builds onto each other. To not only move around and express yourself through the moves, but to express the meaning of the dance through your face. To captivate an audience and make them wish they could do what you do and to be able to show off new moves to friends on a smaller scale. That's dance. There are so many elements, and you can forget your problems when you dance. Why? Because you HAVE to concentrate on the moves, you can't be trying to do belly dance while thinking about what you want for dinner or what is stressing you out. There's no time for that! It will all show in your face if you're having a bad day, and that gigantic mirror does NOT lie.
**So that's pretty much why I hated Yoga. You have a choice. You can either think of your problems and stress over them while you're trying to bend your body in funky ways or you can clear your mind and focus on....the fact that you're in a dark room, no music and your facial expressions mean nothing unless you're showing extreme pain. There is no audience to impress with your skills. To even be that greedy is already breaking a "Yama" by Yoga standards. So what's there to do? You could have a really great day of Yoga and nobody will ever notice or tell you, they were too busy trying to put their knee in no-man's-land too.
**But I thought about it tonight. About why Yoga stresses me out. About why I can't get a feeling of comfort when I'm there and I'm in such a rush to leave: I hadn't accepted Yoga as real yet. I didn't sign up for the class because I knew anything about Yoga, I didn't sign up for the class because I was THAT interested. I signed up for the easy A and the ability to get a free workout in the meantime. Then I thought further about it. I didn't like Yoga because it forced me to stop. It was designed to give a person their only 90 minutes of the day they'll get to appreciate their own body and work within their own personal means. Yoga implies a tactic of "non-harming" meaning if they don't want to rush for deadlines to learn a new pose, and if they don't feel so inclined to try to beat everyone else in class for being the most flexible then fuck....they don't have to! I struggle with that concept - HARD. I'm the type of person that always needs to be on the go, my time is typically consumed with helping others or spending time with others. I tend to be very competitive and although while I don't need to always be first, I absolutely refuse to be close to last. My mind is always buzzing with not only my problems, but the world's problems too. It's not easy to lie down on a mat and just not think about anything. It takes a LOT of self control.
**All of this sparks another thought into me. I didn't like Yoga at first because it made me do something that wasn't easy. But it signifies that for something to be able to effectively stop me is HUGE. I love taking on easy things because they're mindless, but after 2 weeks I get very bored and I give it up, there's no chase. I usually hate difficult things at first because it takes a certain level of commitment and dedication to the craft, often which I just don't have time for. In the end, though, I always end up respecting the difficult things for keeping me on my toes. A lot like my relationship with Patrick. Right now I don't like it because it isn't easy. We're both working so much lately that I don't get to see him with the same ease I used to, and I tend to rebel against that. However, I deeply respect the fact that he's working this hard to get his life on track and to provide a good life for his daughter. Also, in my time spent with him I've calmed down on my party life a lot, which again is a major occurrence.
**I don't think I've ever settled down before. This boy just gets my head in a spin and I begin to think those crazy thoughts about moving back into the suburbs and buying a house and living peacefully. I somehow no longer have this urge to go out and get shitfaced every night 5 or 6 times a week. I drink a little on the weekends but I monitor myself very carefully as to not drink and drive drunk. I don't beg for parties, I don't need a thousand people around me equally as drunk until 6am to feel happy. It's incredible almost. I always thought I'd be the girl that wouldn't be able to give up the life in lights, and at times I had serious doubts as to if I could ever take myself seriously or if every motion needed a grain of salt for taste. I ordered some Chinese takeout on Sunday and my fortune cookie said something like "You're looking into the far future - plan ahead". Which is creepy as all hell because it is true. I'm looking into my future with college and my future with Patrick and wondering where I'll move once my lease is up here. Mind you, that's not for another....8 months? Maybe 7, who knows. But I do have my eyes on the prizes and I do need to get a lot of planning done.
Then again, sometimes it just feels good to live day by day. Anytime I think I'm prepared I find out I'm way off base.
<^>Stephanie<^>
**Dance seems to give me everything I need. The ability to move around, the ability to listen and hum along to music while I move around and the feeling of absolute excitement when you hit EVERY step just right and it all builds onto each other. To not only move around and express yourself through the moves, but to express the meaning of the dance through your face. To captivate an audience and make them wish they could do what you do and to be able to show off new moves to friends on a smaller scale. That's dance. There are so many elements, and you can forget your problems when you dance. Why? Because you HAVE to concentrate on the moves, you can't be trying to do belly dance while thinking about what you want for dinner or what is stressing you out. There's no time for that! It will all show in your face if you're having a bad day, and that gigantic mirror does NOT lie.
**So that's pretty much why I hated Yoga. You have a choice. You can either think of your problems and stress over them while you're trying to bend your body in funky ways or you can clear your mind and focus on....the fact that you're in a dark room, no music and your facial expressions mean nothing unless you're showing extreme pain. There is no audience to impress with your skills. To even be that greedy is already breaking a "Yama" by Yoga standards. So what's there to do? You could have a really great day of Yoga and nobody will ever notice or tell you, they were too busy trying to put their knee in no-man's-land too.
**But I thought about it tonight. About why Yoga stresses me out. About why I can't get a feeling of comfort when I'm there and I'm in such a rush to leave: I hadn't accepted Yoga as real yet. I didn't sign up for the class because I knew anything about Yoga, I didn't sign up for the class because I was THAT interested. I signed up for the easy A and the ability to get a free workout in the meantime. Then I thought further about it. I didn't like Yoga because it forced me to stop. It was designed to give a person their only 90 minutes of the day they'll get to appreciate their own body and work within their own personal means. Yoga implies a tactic of "non-harming" meaning if they don't want to rush for deadlines to learn a new pose, and if they don't feel so inclined to try to beat everyone else in class for being the most flexible then fuck....they don't have to! I struggle with that concept - HARD. I'm the type of person that always needs to be on the go, my time is typically consumed with helping others or spending time with others. I tend to be very competitive and although while I don't need to always be first, I absolutely refuse to be close to last. My mind is always buzzing with not only my problems, but the world's problems too. It's not easy to lie down on a mat and just not think about anything. It takes a LOT of self control.
**All of this sparks another thought into me. I didn't like Yoga at first because it made me do something that wasn't easy. But it signifies that for something to be able to effectively stop me is HUGE. I love taking on easy things because they're mindless, but after 2 weeks I get very bored and I give it up, there's no chase. I usually hate difficult things at first because it takes a certain level of commitment and dedication to the craft, often which I just don't have time for. In the end, though, I always end up respecting the difficult things for keeping me on my toes. A lot like my relationship with Patrick. Right now I don't like it because it isn't easy. We're both working so much lately that I don't get to see him with the same ease I used to, and I tend to rebel against that. However, I deeply respect the fact that he's working this hard to get his life on track and to provide a good life for his daughter. Also, in my time spent with him I've calmed down on my party life a lot, which again is a major occurrence.
**I don't think I've ever settled down before. This boy just gets my head in a spin and I begin to think those crazy thoughts about moving back into the suburbs and buying a house and living peacefully. I somehow no longer have this urge to go out and get shitfaced every night 5 or 6 times a week. I drink a little on the weekends but I monitor myself very carefully as to not drink and drive drunk. I don't beg for parties, I don't need a thousand people around me equally as drunk until 6am to feel happy. It's incredible almost. I always thought I'd be the girl that wouldn't be able to give up the life in lights, and at times I had serious doubts as to if I could ever take myself seriously or if every motion needed a grain of salt for taste. I ordered some Chinese takeout on Sunday and my fortune cookie said something like "You're looking into the far future - plan ahead". Which is creepy as all hell because it is true. I'm looking into my future with college and my future with Patrick and wondering where I'll move once my lease is up here. Mind you, that's not for another....8 months? Maybe 7, who knows. But I do have my eyes on the prizes and I do need to get a lot of planning done.
Then again, sometimes it just feels good to live day by day. Anytime I think I'm prepared I find out I'm way off base.
<^>Stephanie<^>