Mar 17, 2009 00:28
Don't know what it is, but it hits me so hard. This world that you're born into has a check list of things you have to accomplish. You are born with the notion that you will grow up, have a job, find a love, have children then die. It is set so why hasn't it happened? To many this is an impossible feat especially for me. I give and give, search and search, and when I begin to wonder or expect something I literally get fucked. I let them do this to me because it's the closest thing I have to love. The touch and feel of another human is all I have ever had, I've never had love and I long for it so much it makes me sick. I feel my life is not complete or worth living if I don't find my other half, I feel so empty. I know I lack love for myself but I have so much love to give doesn't that count for something? I know when I'm in a relationship I start to begin to love myself but I don't know what's wrong. I know it's me I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm very tired of trying to find my next great love in every guy I meet and all I get is a caress, kiss and fuck. They never see me as a person only as an easy lay and I know it's true, I set myself up for that. I try to have hope, but hope is nothing but a 1 vowel 4 letter word. Optimistic No! Not anymore, was I ever? I don't think so. I don't think you really truly enjoyed or lived this life until you have loved someone with your all. I know that I'm capable of it but I don't think anyone is capable of loving me like that. I feel used, stupid, and hurt most of all. I've become more touchy lately, I haven't learned much, I'm moody, depressed and hurtful. I need attention I know that because I have become dependent on certain men in my life to provide this service for me, but I never get anything out of it except an orgasm. Sex is not love, but like I said its the only comfort I have these days and the closet thing to a human emotion of love. I can't deal much longer, I hate wondering why all the time. Not just with love but with life. Why all this? What's the point? We die alone amongst the sorrow we feel of our own. No matter what, even if your loved ones surround you, if you go natural, by suicide, by being murdered, or by a disease it's only you, the ground, the ash and bone of what has lied beneath you all along. Pain to deal with the slashing lights of reality, who can really dream anymore? Not me, this is all an illusion. Blood for tears, death for pain, too much oppression too many expectations, too many disapointments, too many hearts broken, too many leaps of faith when one is let down so much. I have no opinion I shrug because I really don't even know what you're asking. I say I don't care, when I really don't. I just want to move on so that the time will pass faster so I can rest my head and feel numb. Pinch me, slap me... nope nothing too much greed and disapproval on appearances Just can't deal... I know.
"You could see me reaching,
so why couldn't you have met me halfway?
You could see me bleeding,
but you could not put Pressure on the wound.
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You'd better bend before I go.
On the first train to Mexico.
You could see me breathing,
but you still kept your hand over my mouth.
You could feel me seething,
but you just turned your nose up in the air.
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You'd better bend before I go.
On the first train to Mexico.
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You'd better bend before I go.
On the first train to Mexico."