It's Been A While Since I Last Made An Entry
So yeah things have been going back and forth between relatively good and ridiculously shitty. I'm getting seriously fed up with being treated like a jezebel. Here's how it is: I love someone, someone's parents apparently think I'm a whore or something who is going to get knocked up and take their son away, someone's parents rarily let us see each other. I was finally feeling good about myself again and here comes the hate. Pure prejudice. These people hardly even know me. They Don't Know Me!
Anyway on to other things. That dark despair is threatening to take hold again due to the afore mention issue as well as a few other things. Surviving is so fucking hard sometimes. Especially when you feel like out of all the people in your life you're the only one trying to make things work. For fucks sake some people need to get a goddamn BACKBONE! Stand up for themselves! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I'm seriously close to going back to my old ways which very few people know about, Robert especially doesn't know. I wonder what he'd think if he knew. The remnants are almost all gone, but I'll never forget. I felt good when I did it. The only downside is that I always, always felt guilty for keeping it from my mother and eventually ended up telling her. I need to either not do it or find some way to get around my conscience.
Thanksgiving at my dad's went better than I thought it would (we had it on Wednesday because they were all going down to Florida Thursday and I stayed home with mom to celebrate). I hadn't seen my brother in months and we've left things on slight bad terms. Oddly enough it was like nothing had changed. We still had our slight friendship (we've never really been siblings. He's sixteen years older than me and extremely self-centered. I used to want to be just like him, hence my taking up smoking every now and then). I got through it thanks to the help of my lovely friends xanax and nicotine. Without them I wouldn't have been able to drive myself there. I would have had to pull off the road to wait out my panic attack and muscle spasms (which are only driven away by my close confidants skelaxen and vicodin)to ease up. I rarely smoke. It's an extremely rare occurrence yet I smoked four cigarettes in the span of three hours. Camels Turkish Silver is my new best friend. I used to be such a pansy when I smoked, I repeatedly had to spit from the taste (i didn't want to swallow even though it was just spit) or at least drink something with it, but now it doesn't bother me one bit. I'm sure it's a bad thing that I can smoke and actually enjoy it now, but oh well. Sometimes I just need a fucking cigarette. My mother, father and brother all smoke (though Mum only occasionally) so they can't say shit to me about it.
Thanksgiving Day was the day of drinking for me. I'm allowed to drink once in a while as long and I'm not driving anywhere and am under the supervision of either my mom, dad or Patrick (older brother). I had two mimosas which it turns out I'm rather fond of; orange juice with champagne. I also had one this morning to deal with some stress I was feeling. To be honest this was a really stupid fucking move. Alcohol is a depressant so I'm feeling better in some ways and slightly worse in others. I don't plan to become addicted to alcohol. It sickens me how my dad and Patrick can only get along when they're intoxicated. So yeah I will only drink on special occasions. That is a promise I've made to myself. I'll also only smoke when I seriously need to calm down; in emergencies and extremely stressful situations. I don't like smelling like tobacco smoke.
Anyway on to other things. That dark despair is threatening to take hold again due to the afore mention issue as well as a few other things. Surviving is so fucking hard sometimes. Especially when you feel like out of all the people in your life you're the only one trying to make things work. For fucks sake some people need to get a goddamn BACKBONE! Stand up for themselves! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I'm seriously close to going back to my old ways which very few people know about, Robert especially doesn't know. I wonder what he'd think if he knew. The remnants are almost all gone, but I'll never forget. I felt good when I did it. The only downside is that I always, always felt guilty for keeping it from my mother and eventually ended up telling her. I need to either not do it or find some way to get around my conscience.
Thanksgiving at my dad's went better than I thought it would (we had it on Wednesday because they were all going down to Florida Thursday and I stayed home with mom to celebrate). I hadn't seen my brother in months and we've left things on slight bad terms. Oddly enough it was like nothing had changed. We still had our slight friendship (we've never really been siblings. He's sixteen years older than me and extremely self-centered. I used to want to be just like him, hence my taking up smoking every now and then). I got through it thanks to the help of my lovely friends xanax and nicotine. Without them I wouldn't have been able to drive myself there. I would have had to pull off the road to wait out my panic attack and muscle spasms (which are only driven away by my close confidants skelaxen and vicodin)to ease up. I rarely smoke. It's an extremely rare occurrence yet I smoked four cigarettes in the span of three hours. Camels Turkish Silver is my new best friend. I used to be such a pansy when I smoked, I repeatedly had to spit from the taste (i didn't want to swallow even though it was just spit) or at least drink something with it, but now it doesn't bother me one bit. I'm sure it's a bad thing that I can smoke and actually enjoy it now, but oh well. Sometimes I just need a fucking cigarette. My mother, father and brother all smoke (though Mum only occasionally) so they can't say shit to me about it.
Thanksgiving Day was the day of drinking for me. I'm allowed to drink once in a while as long and I'm not driving anywhere and am under the supervision of either my mom, dad or Patrick (older brother). I had two mimosas which it turns out I'm rather fond of; orange juice with champagne. I also had one this morning to deal with some stress I was feeling. To be honest this was a really stupid fucking move. Alcohol is a depressant so I'm feeling better in some ways and slightly worse in others. I don't plan to become addicted to alcohol. It sickens me how my dad and Patrick can only get along when they're intoxicated. So yeah I will only drink on special occasions. That is a promise I've made to myself. I'll also only smoke when I seriously need to calm down; in emergencies and extremely stressful situations. I don't like smelling like tobacco smoke.