it's been forever
so, to avoid doing my homework (currently a four page french paper on different conceptions of love and pleasure, yeah..) i stalked everyone that i know on facebook, went on myspace for the first time in forever, and then went on this to see if anyone keeps up with their journals. answer: no. however, i am fairly certain that i will, that i will continue to post to the all-knowing, unknowing blogosphere, if only to prove that i existed. i was reading through my posts (i got to september 2007, dude!) and i was a pretty spunky bitch, not very happy, not a good sleeper, and definitely not motivated, but i had some interesting thoughts. i can only hope that college and time have developed my mind enough to make this journal interesting again. news flash: i'm still not happy, and i still have sucky sleep, but i'm alive. my life has recently been the target of an all-consuming tornado, completely unexpected, completely devastating, sweeping up all that was once good and happy and certain in my life and tossing it around, ruining it for good measure, and plopping me back down in a barren and destroyed and unknown landscape. i've written my suicide letter out a couple of times, which is very uncharacteristic of me, but i actually think it is a pretty helpful exercise in determining who is important in your life. who do you want to thank or say goodbye to or apologize to or say i love you to? i definitely know who my inner circle is, who is important, and who i could not give less of a flying fuck about. at the same time, i realize everyone is flawed and exists within the constraints of their own mind/hegemony, so i try to understand that some people are just inherently without a soul/heart/compassion, and it's not always a willful act of destruction. as much as i was uncertain about things before, this has been magnified into something almost unbearably consuming and questionable. new uncertainties blur my emotions, and thinking of old uncertainties make me wonder if my emotions were ever really truly there to begin with. one huge question, very related, is how relevant and satisfactory is pleading insanity? is the misfiring of neurons in the brain ever capable of excusing hurtful (on a major scale) acts? is it possible for one to identify their brand of insanity and point to their previous actions at a later date and acknowledge the incorrect thought process behind them? or is being insane being incapable of acknowledging moments or acts of insanity? is "knowing" specific acts were insane being manipulative or just intelligent enough to see beyond the crazy? if one can see beyond the crazy, why does this only happen at certain times, and not at the most pivotal, opportune moments? is this fate or is this manipulation? these thoughts plague me. hello again, and goodbye.