anxiety
I've been feeling really anxious lately and I can't quite put my finger on it. Sometimes it's just physical and not even mental...like muscle tension, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate...it's not that bad but it's not fun either.
I just had a meeting with my supervisor and I mentioned needing to have a doctor's appointment (therapy, though I didn't word it as such) one morning every 2 weeks, so I will come in an hour and a half late. It was really awkward and embarassing. I felt like I was being a bad employee for asking, even though I need it for my health. She asked me "for how long?" and I was a bit thrown by the question and just said, "I don't know." Forever? Uggh. how do people negotiate these things with employers? I really don't like the whole 9-5 thing. I would so much prefer to be able to just make my own schedule, like I have at most past jobs. even a schedule that varies, while a pain for planning your social life, makes it so much easier to run errands and make appointments. how do people function in life when nothing is open except when you're at work??
in my meeting just now, I felt very self-conscious while presenting research to my supervisor, like when I'd flip through pages looking for information and there'd be a moment of silence. I was thinking - oh, you should have prepared for this better - she might be thinking you're flaky...silly, irrational thoughts that have no function except to hold me back.
I'm a bit nervous about having a lot of work lately...worried that I'll be slow and get behind on the proposals. I have to send 2 and write and send yet 2 more proposals by the end of the month, all while finishing the research for April and keeping up with thank-you letters and marking bad records in our donor database.
I guess Laura feels similarly at her job right now - she told me she has to close 66 cases in a month and she usually only does 17 or something like that.
I think I'm going to go make myself some tension calming tea.
tonight I'm seeing acapella for the first time in ages. it should be fun.
I just had a meeting with my supervisor and I mentioned needing to have a doctor's appointment (therapy, though I didn't word it as such) one morning every 2 weeks, so I will come in an hour and a half late. It was really awkward and embarassing. I felt like I was being a bad employee for asking, even though I need it for my health. She asked me "for how long?" and I was a bit thrown by the question and just said, "I don't know." Forever? Uggh. how do people negotiate these things with employers? I really don't like the whole 9-5 thing. I would so much prefer to be able to just make my own schedule, like I have at most past jobs. even a schedule that varies, while a pain for planning your social life, makes it so much easier to run errands and make appointments. how do people function in life when nothing is open except when you're at work??
in my meeting just now, I felt very self-conscious while presenting research to my supervisor, like when I'd flip through pages looking for information and there'd be a moment of silence. I was thinking - oh, you should have prepared for this better - she might be thinking you're flaky...silly, irrational thoughts that have no function except to hold me back.
I'm a bit nervous about having a lot of work lately...worried that I'll be slow and get behind on the proposals. I have to send 2 and write and send yet 2 more proposals by the end of the month, all while finishing the research for April and keeping up with thank-you letters and marking bad records in our donor database.
I guess Laura feels similarly at her job right now - she told me she has to close 66 cases in a month and she usually only does 17 or something like that.
I think I'm going to go make myself some tension calming tea.
tonight I'm seeing acapella for the first time in ages. it should be fun.