(no subject)
*Death, Driving Behind Me With The Headlights On*
To keep me alert of it's not-so-distant approach. There seems to be some theory that Change is a good thing, eh.
I'm so sleepy this morning. Slept ok too. Just that I had to take half a benadryl with my Vicodan this morning because I'm slightly allergic to Vic and it makes me all itchy. So the only way I can take the Vic without stratching my skin off is to take benadryl with it. But that makes me sleepy. I'm just a retarded mess. But feeling good physically. Until the good dope wears off.
For a while I wasn't getting deep enough sleep to remember anything of my dreams, but I've been knocking out enough to remember little glimpses again. The past two nights have been about movement. I've been on the bus and train a lot. And they have both been about music in some way. Night before last I was taking the bus to go see a show and last night I was on the train to go record. Take note that this has all been me in San Francisco. Not even thinking about L.A. anymore, this is a good sign.
Stupid girl broke down and wrote him again yesterday. I asked him if he even wanted to be my friend because it seems like he doesn't want to. Again he's insisting that he does and that the reasons he doesn't write or call anymore like he used to is because he doesn't have any time to himself. I have no time to myself either but I make it a point to write him just because that is important to me. Days go by and I don't hear from him. It's just not important enough to him to write or call me. So I have to make it unimportant to me now. Because it takes up too much of my thought space and weighs my heart down. He said that nothing has changed other than him having less time at work, but I know that things have changed. Last weekend was proof of that. He had changed his mind about spending saturday with me before he even got into the city. I refuse to take this to heart anymore and just let it be what it is. I know that it's not what I wanted it to be, and certainly not what I thought it was. Things are never what they seem to be. I don't feel like arguing with him but I still want him to tell me why he changed his mind about saturday. It may seem stupid but it's a big deal to me. I rearranged my fucking plans for that. Could have been there this weekend like I wanted to because it's Equinox and I wanted to be in the Bay tomorrow. But he had a free weekend last weekend so I planned it for then because we were supposed to spend time together. He can't even answer me that.
Man I feel dizzy. I need a V-8! The yogurt from this morning isn't holding me over well. And I didn't stop by the Bean this morning, so I'm fruitless. I luv their fruit salad bowls.
I think I might go to Corporate for lunch today. They give us free lunch on friday. I want to see Javi and James and Renee and Larry and other people I miss from that office. I get to talk to them online still but I miss hanging out with them and seeing their smiles. James has a great cheeky smile. He's so damn hott. I got this thing for redheads. *drool*. Such a comedian, that guy. I think maybe he swings for the other team. Big Blue and I have a plan devised for SF. We're gonna tagteam on guys. If he finds one first and he turns out straight then I get him. If I get one that's gay I pass him to J.
Javi will be spending a while in the Bay right around the same time we move up there. He's gonna be filming one of the movies he wrote. Fun stuff, I get to help him, like a PA. I'm excited. I'll have Javi, Big Blue, Susannah and Emma. And who knows whoelse. Cool people all in the Bay. That makes me so happy, you see, because usually when I move I go someplace I don't know hardly anyone. Almost everyone I'm close with either live up there now or are planning on it. Minus Ravyn, but she's talked about moving to SF too. We're supposed to do our cafe together.
Making friends with the pain of a broken heart isn't easy. But it seems to be the only solution.
~Think I'm Goin' For A Walk Now, Feel A Little Unsteady~
To keep me alert of it's not-so-distant approach. There seems to be some theory that Change is a good thing, eh.
I'm so sleepy this morning. Slept ok too. Just that I had to take half a benadryl with my Vicodan this morning because I'm slightly allergic to Vic and it makes me all itchy. So the only way I can take the Vic without stratching my skin off is to take benadryl with it. But that makes me sleepy. I'm just a retarded mess. But feeling good physically. Until the good dope wears off.
For a while I wasn't getting deep enough sleep to remember anything of my dreams, but I've been knocking out enough to remember little glimpses again. The past two nights have been about movement. I've been on the bus and train a lot. And they have both been about music in some way. Night before last I was taking the bus to go see a show and last night I was on the train to go record. Take note that this has all been me in San Francisco. Not even thinking about L.A. anymore, this is a good sign.
Stupid girl broke down and wrote him again yesterday. I asked him if he even wanted to be my friend because it seems like he doesn't want to. Again he's insisting that he does and that the reasons he doesn't write or call anymore like he used to is because he doesn't have any time to himself. I have no time to myself either but I make it a point to write him just because that is important to me. Days go by and I don't hear from him. It's just not important enough to him to write or call me. So I have to make it unimportant to me now. Because it takes up too much of my thought space and weighs my heart down. He said that nothing has changed other than him having less time at work, but I know that things have changed. Last weekend was proof of that. He had changed his mind about spending saturday with me before he even got into the city. I refuse to take this to heart anymore and just let it be what it is. I know that it's not what I wanted it to be, and certainly not what I thought it was. Things are never what they seem to be. I don't feel like arguing with him but I still want him to tell me why he changed his mind about saturday. It may seem stupid but it's a big deal to me. I rearranged my fucking plans for that. Could have been there this weekend like I wanted to because it's Equinox and I wanted to be in the Bay tomorrow. But he had a free weekend last weekend so I planned it for then because we were supposed to spend time together. He can't even answer me that.
Man I feel dizzy. I need a V-8! The yogurt from this morning isn't holding me over well. And I didn't stop by the Bean this morning, so I'm fruitless. I luv their fruit salad bowls.
I think I might go to Corporate for lunch today. They give us free lunch on friday. I want to see Javi and James and Renee and Larry and other people I miss from that office. I get to talk to them online still but I miss hanging out with them and seeing their smiles. James has a great cheeky smile. He's so damn hott. I got this thing for redheads. *drool*. Such a comedian, that guy. I think maybe he swings for the other team. Big Blue and I have a plan devised for SF. We're gonna tagteam on guys. If he finds one first and he turns out straight then I get him. If I get one that's gay I pass him to J.
Javi will be spending a while in the Bay right around the same time we move up there. He's gonna be filming one of the movies he wrote. Fun stuff, I get to help him, like a PA. I'm excited. I'll have Javi, Big Blue, Susannah and Emma. And who knows whoelse. Cool people all in the Bay. That makes me so happy, you see, because usually when I move I go someplace I don't know hardly anyone. Almost everyone I'm close with either live up there now or are planning on it. Minus Ravyn, but she's talked about moving to SF too. We're supposed to do our cafe together.
Making friends with the pain of a broken heart isn't easy. But it seems to be the only solution.
~Think I'm Goin' For A Walk Now, Feel A Little Unsteady~