When Kora came into being
Those long time people who know me well know how much I wanted a baby, how the time was never right, but I kept wishing. And in April last year I took a pregnancy test because my breasts hurt so much, and was shocked to see two lines. We hadn't planned for Kora at all, I was being fastidious in making sure I was not pregnant due to the medication I was taking. It took a while to come to terms with and to be honest even now, while she is 9 months old, it surprises me that I am a mother, and she came at the best time for us really.
Pregnancy was mostly alright, I had hyper remisis during the first trimester that crept into the middle of the second, it was horrendous being that unwell. but apart from that and the (at the time undiagnosed) gallstones, my pregnancy was healthy and low risk. From the beginning I never really considered hospital birth except for the instance of induction or caesarian. My midwife never suggested anything other than home, so that's what I planned for. We knew that the hospital was only 7 minutes away if we needed to transfer and that the midwives can spot a problem before it gets to that point, to make transferral safe. I am deeply scared of hospitals and wanted as little intervention as possible, and could see no difference in safety in having Kora at home or in the birth centre.
(Home birth in the UK is very different to that in America. Our midwives are a lot more qualified, they go to university and study for three years then have to shadow until they are able to work on their own. They are highly trained and specialised. Obstetricians only deliver high risk babies in hospitals, but can attend home births if needed.)
I haven't really written my birth story or shared it in great detail, except in my paper diary. A few people have asked and I feel comfortable writing it now. I was due on new years eve. on Christmas day, while watching Doctor Who, I had my first contraction. Then nothing happened for hours except more, infrequent, painful contractions, which went on for three weeks, it was miserable. I binge watched Battlestar Galactica, drank raspberry leaf tea, and tried all the old wives tales and nothing worked. I went into active labour at 7 am on 10th January. I was having strange dreams of rolling around on a ship, I woke up with a strong cramp and I honestly thought I was going to poo the bed so I jumped out of the bed and some of my waters broke on the bedroom floor. After weeks of wondering if the sporadic contractions meant baby was coming, I finally had my "baby is coming!" moment and told Dale, who went from fast asleep to wide awake instantly.
I spent the morning walking up and down the hallway, leaning on the walls, bouncing on my birth ball and in the shower. The pain was fine really. I manage just by keeping upright and moving around. Dale sorted out the birth pool and cleaned the house, and a midwife named Manon arrived at lunch time and examined me. I was 5 cm at 1pm, so got into the pool and the water was absolute bliss. It's amazing how quickly time went while I was labouring. In between contractions I rested my cheek on Dale's arm and floated naked in the water, when contractions came on me I hunkered down in the pool and growled. Dale said I turned into an animal. We played Nina Simone and Bill Callahan for a while, and closer to transition we put Robbie Basho's Visions of the Country on and it stayed in the stereo for the rest of my labour. I kept noticing the same songs, but with no sense of time. Dale was my only anchor point to reality, I held onto him so tightly so he would keep me from floating away. The second midwife, Pat, arrived with a flurry of snow through the front door. Not long after she arrived I had a strange bulging feeling and pushed hard, and the rest of my waters broke, in a dramatic burst in the pool. It was one of the strangest things I have felt. Sam puss put his paws up on the edge of the pool and Dale scooped him onto his lap so he wouldn't puncture the sides. I pressed my face into Sam's fur for a terribly painful contraction and I knew then to start pushing.
However I had a cervical lip. So I had to lie in the pool, puffing on the gas and air, until it went away and I could start pushing properly. It slowed everything down. I was pushing for ages in the pool, tried standing up and leaning on Dale to push (I bit his arm really hard) so in the end I had to get out of the water. Kora's heart rate had slowed and Manon told me I had to get her out, right away. So instead of the gentle waterbirth I had wanted, I pushed her out forcefully while sitting on the edge of our sofa, clinging onto Dale and yelling so loudly I am sure half the town will have heard me. Kora came out fast, with her hand by her face and she tore me badly. I pushed her out in two, big goes and was still pushing after she came. The pain was horrific, even time has not dimmed that burning, ripping pain. If I could have had pain relief that end bit would have been the time I would have asked for it, but I needed to concentrate on getting her out. Dale touched Kora as she was lifted up to me and she and I looked at each other to say "so that's what you look like!" Her hot, soft naked body squirmed on my naked breasts and I was so relieved to have her there that the pain subsided and not much existed except Kora, Dale and me, and her huge blue eyes looking at us.
After the placenta was delievered, the cord was cut after it stopped pulsing, Kora and I were both dressed and we went to the hospital for me to have stitches. The stitches were the worst bit. I don't particularly want to go into detail. After it was done, a midwife brought us a tray of tea and toast and it was the best cup of tea I have ever had in my life. We went home again after a couple of hours. I had a shower, washed the blood and vernix from me, and the three of us went to bed. I couldn't sleep. I lay there listening to Dale and Kora breathing and felt all in a whirl wind. I still can't believe I did it, that I birthed her on our sofa, with no pain relief. I don't want to come across as a martyr or a smug hippy type - I have a very very high pain threshold. If we had had had Kora in hospital I would have only been allowed an hour to push her, but having two midwives to myself and no demand on the bed as it was our own home, I had that extra half hour. If I didn't have that time to muster my strength, the midwives told me that Kora would have then been born by emergency caesarian.
35 weeks
38 weeks
in labour
an hour old
first feed
four months
7 months
8 months