(no subject)
Why is it that, now that I am with someone who truly views me as beautiful, I have the hardest time maintaining positive self esteem?
When I was single, I was "the Maneater", the "predator posing as a chew toy". I felt good about myself, and it showed. I dressed in fun clothes, walked with confidence... I mean, not every day, to be sure, but more often than not. And I know... people automatically jump to the conclusion that it was because I was getting attention. That the attention from men was feeding my self-esteem. I don't buy it though. Men still look at me! Two of my boyfriend's friends have crushes on me, and it doesn't help. My confidence lies within me, not from outside sources. Otherwise, the way Chris views me would be enough, right?
Now, though, I look in the mirror and feel fat. All the time. I dress in loose fitting, frumpy clothes so I don't have to think about how I look when I'm out. I've been about the same weight since for the past couple of years, but every week I'll swear that I've gained 10 pounds (I haven't). I still rarely eat fast food, and I'm not a couch potato. But more and more when I look in the mirror, I think I can see myself ballooning up right under my gaze!
I cried Monday morning when I was getting dressed for work, because I couldn't find anything that fit. I was just finishing my period, and Chris pointed out it was water weight (I generally will gain 10 t0 15 pounds of water weight while on my period, overnight, and then lose it just as quickly.) He was right, the next day it was gone and I could fit in my clothes again, but I could tell he was a little angry. It really frustrates him that I don't appreciate myself. He wonders why I can't look at myself the way he looks at me, and see a beautiful, sexy, curvy girl in place of the frumpy fat chick I can't get beyond. I just don't know how to feel pretty anymore.
(Please note that this was incredibly hard for me to write. It's something I've been needing to get out for a while now, but it's just so hard to admit stuff like this out loud... er, in writing.)