so what?
sometimes i feel despair at the constant battle i wage with the forces of darkness -- otherwise known as ants and cat pee. plus my own inner cthulhu.
but today i felt that i did almost everything i could to make right decisions.
yesterday eros and i went down to my dad's for dinner. charlotte made turkey pot pies, which i normally wouldn't like -- but these were made with all organic veggies, Diestel turkey breast, organic whole wheat pastry flour, and so on. they were actually really good.
afterwards dad and charlotte and me and eros drank brandy and smoked cigs out on the porch. we had intense conversations -- mostly me with charlotte trying to help her figure out a way to do art for a living. she's very crafty. but she refuses to sell out or compromise in any way -- which i do admire, but it makes it hard to pay the bills. so she works as a bookkeeper for a small local business, in an incredibly stressful situation.
ah well. the visit was nice. today we drove up from laytonville. we stopped at standish-hickey state park, which was quite unimpressive as a lot of it was closed for the winter. it looks like in the summer you can drive across the eel river and camp on the other side, which would be pretty cool if it wasn't jam packed with RVs. we got lunch at the Peg House across the road. tomorrow i'll post the photo i took of the monster school bus labeled "South Park" parked outside.
we stopped at Richardson Grove state park too, just south of garberville. i went to it a few times on field trips in elementary school. i remembered they have a Dawn Redwood, and we actually found it. it is native to China, and is deciduous (so it didn't have any leaves today). it is one of the three redwood species in the world -- the others being the coastal redwood (what we have around here) and the giant sequoia, which lives in the Sierra and is bigger around but not quite as tall as the coastal redwood.
richardson grove is also where they have the NA unity weekend in the summer. there is an NA convention at the end of march in sacramento, and i want to go. i am having issues with my sponsor. she just seems too busy to do things like give me my next step, help me find a roomate or ride for the convention, etc. i am trying to be as grateful as possible and take it upon myself to ask for what i need, but it is so hard bothering someone over and over again about the same things. oh well.
in my favorite little book about the tao, the author instructs you to practice an exercise called "so what." if something is worrying you -- you might lose your job, for instance -- practice saying, "So what?" So you'll have trouble making your rent, you might have to go to a food bank or live with your parents, or you might have to bust your ass getting a new job, or you might be depressed and hungry. So what? You're supposed to say it to yourself with a bit of an edge. It's not, "oh well," or "i guess i don't mind" -- because you really do mind! instead it's a bit belligerent, and can help take some of the wind out of the sails of looming problems.
something else i am working hard on is letting go of things that are outside of my control. it's a bit of a balancing act, knowing when to put effort into something because you can change it vs. when to just let go because you can't. thus the whole Serenity Prayer thing -- "god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can't change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference." i don't like the whole god or prayer thing so much, but the sentiment is sound.
one thing i absolutely cannot control is other people, their decisions and their behavior.
i like the way someone put it to me once -- you can and should put lots of effort and intention towards a goal, and then you need to let go and let whatever happens with that effort happen. the idea is that you can't control the outcome -- but you can control your approach, attitude, effort and reaction to the outcome.
i wish i had planned a bit better today so i could have gone to the arcata tues. night na meeting. i like that one a lot. tomorrow i'll go to the 7:15 eureka one. i have been taking my recovery very seriously lately.
i thought i might have a bondage.com phone meeting today, but i didn't see any emails. we stopped in garberville to check email just in case.
when we got back up to eureka, we went to winco and loaded up on food. i still can't believe how cheap food is there. thank goodness.
i also got my bike back today. i can't wait to ride it again. i am currently suffering from a bit of hemmheroid trouble (yes, it's TMI), so i will have to wait until at least tomorrow.
the mess is driving me nuts, but i'm managing. i'm really enjoying spending time with my sweetie. last night we slept in a small bed and were snuggled really close all night through.
it's so dark at my dad's. they really, truly live out in the wilderness. the lights go out and you can't see a thing, or hear anything. it's quite a change from living on a busy street in Ballard.
it has been gorgeous and sunny out here. i'm sure we will get more storms before summer, but already i can feel my spirits lifting much more than they ever did in seattle.
something beautiful from today:
-lofty, silent redwood groves in shades of russet and green
-the quick flight of a bluebird over the spy rock road
-the view from the mountaintops over spy rock road
things i am grateful for:
-eros still finds me sexy and attractive
-my parents are still alive and we have a great relationship
-fixed bike
-food -- tacos
-fuzzy friendly kitties (even if they do pee on things!)
-the amazing nature around here
-sunshine
-internet access
but today i felt that i did almost everything i could to make right decisions.
yesterday eros and i went down to my dad's for dinner. charlotte made turkey pot pies, which i normally wouldn't like -- but these were made with all organic veggies, Diestel turkey breast, organic whole wheat pastry flour, and so on. they were actually really good.
afterwards dad and charlotte and me and eros drank brandy and smoked cigs out on the porch. we had intense conversations -- mostly me with charlotte trying to help her figure out a way to do art for a living. she's very crafty. but she refuses to sell out or compromise in any way -- which i do admire, but it makes it hard to pay the bills. so she works as a bookkeeper for a small local business, in an incredibly stressful situation.
ah well. the visit was nice. today we drove up from laytonville. we stopped at standish-hickey state park, which was quite unimpressive as a lot of it was closed for the winter. it looks like in the summer you can drive across the eel river and camp on the other side, which would be pretty cool if it wasn't jam packed with RVs. we got lunch at the Peg House across the road. tomorrow i'll post the photo i took of the monster school bus labeled "South Park" parked outside.
we stopped at Richardson Grove state park too, just south of garberville. i went to it a few times on field trips in elementary school. i remembered they have a Dawn Redwood, and we actually found it. it is native to China, and is deciduous (so it didn't have any leaves today). it is one of the three redwood species in the world -- the others being the coastal redwood (what we have around here) and the giant sequoia, which lives in the Sierra and is bigger around but not quite as tall as the coastal redwood.
richardson grove is also where they have the NA unity weekend in the summer. there is an NA convention at the end of march in sacramento, and i want to go. i am having issues with my sponsor. she just seems too busy to do things like give me my next step, help me find a roomate or ride for the convention, etc. i am trying to be as grateful as possible and take it upon myself to ask for what i need, but it is so hard bothering someone over and over again about the same things. oh well.
in my favorite little book about the tao, the author instructs you to practice an exercise called "so what." if something is worrying you -- you might lose your job, for instance -- practice saying, "So what?" So you'll have trouble making your rent, you might have to go to a food bank or live with your parents, or you might have to bust your ass getting a new job, or you might be depressed and hungry. So what? You're supposed to say it to yourself with a bit of an edge. It's not, "oh well," or "i guess i don't mind" -- because you really do mind! instead it's a bit belligerent, and can help take some of the wind out of the sails of looming problems.
something else i am working hard on is letting go of things that are outside of my control. it's a bit of a balancing act, knowing when to put effort into something because you can change it vs. when to just let go because you can't. thus the whole Serenity Prayer thing -- "god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can't change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference." i don't like the whole god or prayer thing so much, but the sentiment is sound.
one thing i absolutely cannot control is other people, their decisions and their behavior.
i like the way someone put it to me once -- you can and should put lots of effort and intention towards a goal, and then you need to let go and let whatever happens with that effort happen. the idea is that you can't control the outcome -- but you can control your approach, attitude, effort and reaction to the outcome.
i wish i had planned a bit better today so i could have gone to the arcata tues. night na meeting. i like that one a lot. tomorrow i'll go to the 7:15 eureka one. i have been taking my recovery very seriously lately.
i thought i might have a bondage.com phone meeting today, but i didn't see any emails. we stopped in garberville to check email just in case.
when we got back up to eureka, we went to winco and loaded up on food. i still can't believe how cheap food is there. thank goodness.
i also got my bike back today. i can't wait to ride it again. i am currently suffering from a bit of hemmheroid trouble (yes, it's TMI), so i will have to wait until at least tomorrow.
the mess is driving me nuts, but i'm managing. i'm really enjoying spending time with my sweetie. last night we slept in a small bed and were snuggled really close all night through.
it's so dark at my dad's. they really, truly live out in the wilderness. the lights go out and you can't see a thing, or hear anything. it's quite a change from living on a busy street in Ballard.
it has been gorgeous and sunny out here. i'm sure we will get more storms before summer, but already i can feel my spirits lifting much more than they ever did in seattle.
something beautiful from today:
-lofty, silent redwood groves in shades of russet and green
-the quick flight of a bluebird over the spy rock road
-the view from the mountaintops over spy rock road
things i am grateful for:
-eros still finds me sexy and attractive
-my parents are still alive and we have a great relationship
-fixed bike
-food -- tacos
-fuzzy friendly kitties (even if they do pee on things!)
-the amazing nature around here
-sunshine
-internet access