(if we can just get through this one.)
i've actually been looking forward to this weekend.
i think.
as i always do, i cherish this opportunity to do everything i love to do when i have an entire weekend to myself. make food. make a mess. watch bad tv. stay up way too late. plan to clean everything up tomorrow when i go on an incredibly successful (and desperately needed) cleaning spree. take myself out on a date to see a chekhov play. maybe even go to a nearby cafe and read for an entire afternoon. listen to this imogen heap song on repeat. repeatedly.
but for some reason so many little parts of today have felt like a fuzzy step into the past. maybe something in me psychologically has shifted now that sean has moved on to portland. i don't know? i haven't seen him in months, but he's no longer here. here, in the city. and for some reason, i'm aware. and i kept having all of these flashbacks this afternoon remembering what it was like, those first few days and few steps i took here in the city with him, three or so years ago. that... feeling?
and tonight, even though the noise of the street should be enough to distract me, i keep flipping back to living in huntington beach. maybe that's because that was the last time i was consistently home and by myself on a friday night. i don't know.
i know i'm not lonely. i'm not, and waking up with you the last two days of this week should be more than enough to carry me through the next few days. it always used to be, so why do i have to keep reminding myself that you're only going to be gone a few days, not the few weeks when you went to new zealand? i feel like i'm close to admitting that i'm ready for something (something?), but i'm still skating so far away from anything other than what i have right now that nothing else seems necessary.
these are confusing thoughts, the kind i'm planning to write off and move on from in the morning after i've gone to bed too late and made an even bigger mess in the kitchen.
i was thinking again today, walking to the store after sharing some laughs and stories with the amazing people i work with, that i'm the luckiest person i never imagined i could be. being here in this city, and being in a place with you that is so different (but yet, so similar) from where we started, makes me wonder for the first time of everything that could be ahead of us. that's as far as i'll dare take this tonight in the middle of these uneven spurts of ennui, but it's a thought. just a thought.
hmm.
i think.
as i always do, i cherish this opportunity to do everything i love to do when i have an entire weekend to myself. make food. make a mess. watch bad tv. stay up way too late. plan to clean everything up tomorrow when i go on an incredibly successful (and desperately needed) cleaning spree. take myself out on a date to see a chekhov play. maybe even go to a nearby cafe and read for an entire afternoon. listen to this imogen heap song on repeat. repeatedly.
but for some reason so many little parts of today have felt like a fuzzy step into the past. maybe something in me psychologically has shifted now that sean has moved on to portland. i don't know? i haven't seen him in months, but he's no longer here. here, in the city. and for some reason, i'm aware. and i kept having all of these flashbacks this afternoon remembering what it was like, those first few days and few steps i took here in the city with him, three or so years ago. that... feeling?
and tonight, even though the noise of the street should be enough to distract me, i keep flipping back to living in huntington beach. maybe that's because that was the last time i was consistently home and by myself on a friday night. i don't know.
i know i'm not lonely. i'm not, and waking up with you the last two days of this week should be more than enough to carry me through the next few days. it always used to be, so why do i have to keep reminding myself that you're only going to be gone a few days, not the few weeks when you went to new zealand? i feel like i'm close to admitting that i'm ready for something (something?), but i'm still skating so far away from anything other than what i have right now that nothing else seems necessary.
these are confusing thoughts, the kind i'm planning to write off and move on from in the morning after i've gone to bed too late and made an even bigger mess in the kitchen.
i was thinking again today, walking to the store after sharing some laughs and stories with the amazing people i work with, that i'm the luckiest person i never imagined i could be. being here in this city, and being in a place with you that is so different (but yet, so similar) from where we started, makes me wonder for the first time of everything that could be ahead of us. that's as far as i'll dare take this tonight in the middle of these uneven spurts of ennui, but it's a thought. just a thought.
hmm.