Was I wrong?
Roog, I wish you here. Feitas and Sun I wish you were here. You'd know what to do. Or perhaps you'd be just as mad at me. I think you'd be mad, but for now I'd like to pretend you'd give me advice. It's been a long time since I've seen you, hasn't it, even before I was summoned here? I sent you off to be Commander of the Palace Calvary Guard... oh, nearly a year or so now it was. I've seen you once in all that time. And now I cannot even be there for the annual meeting to see you. Do you know how much I've missed you Roog? How hard it's been trying to be strong without you to lean on and remind me of all the things we've been through? Some days I just want to put down everything and rush to the Capital, but I know you'd scold me for that even though that's usually my job, isn't it?
I'm... lonely here Roog. I have friends, I think, but they aren't you. I think I'm afraid to let them in entirely, like I've let you in. And the one time I thought I'd let that shell crack a little, that I'd let another person in and let myself be myself, just a bit... it's blown up in face, as you'd say. I fear I've done irrepairable damage to a friendship akin to ours. I know it's not all my fault. For sure it was Culgan that kissed me first in the garden, but I'm the one that lost control, that got drunk and gave him that first kiss, that tried to pursue it.
But was it wrong of me, Roog, to want to be selfish and be with someone in a way I had not been in nearly six months? I needed to forget, for a night, that you aren't there, even though... no, you wouldn't want to hear that. Still, Roog, tell me, was I wrong? Was it wrong of me to want to be something besides a Commander and just be Rahal for a moment? For a night? To let myself be pleasured and give pleasure in return rather that signing papers and reprimanding and fighting with nobles?
I fear my selfish actions, my desires, have done so much more damage than I ever imagined. I want to put it right, Roog, but I don't know how. Seed hates me, I can see it, and there will be no reasoning with Culgan, I'm sure. Borus said that they just need time (and no I did not say it was Culgan and Seed specifically, thank you Roog) to work out their differences and work through these new revelations. But... is it wrong to ask about myself? What happens to me? Do I loose a potential friend? How do I look Culgan in the eye from now on when we by chance meet?
Feitas Roog... Roog I need you here. I need you here so badly, if for no other reason that to lean on you, to talk, to work this out. I'm confused, Roog. I'm confused, and lonely. Did you know I'm going to Chisha to say goodbye to a friend of mine? It just seems like I'm loosing my friends here.
[Writing is unintelligble for a moment, speared my something wet.]
Roog... Roog, I love you.
To bad I'll never have the courage to say that.
I'm... lonely here Roog. I have friends, I think, but they aren't you. I think I'm afraid to let them in entirely, like I've let you in. And the one time I thought I'd let that shell crack a little, that I'd let another person in and let myself be myself, just a bit... it's blown up in face, as you'd say. I fear I've done irrepairable damage to a friendship akin to ours. I know it's not all my fault. For sure it was Culgan that kissed me first in the garden, but I'm the one that lost control, that got drunk and gave him that first kiss, that tried to pursue it.
But was it wrong of me, Roog, to want to be selfish and be with someone in a way I had not been in nearly six months? I needed to forget, for a night, that you aren't there, even though... no, you wouldn't want to hear that. Still, Roog, tell me, was I wrong? Was it wrong of me to want to be something besides a Commander and just be Rahal for a moment? For a night? To let myself be pleasured and give pleasure in return rather that signing papers and reprimanding and fighting with nobles?
I fear my selfish actions, my desires, have done so much more damage than I ever imagined. I want to put it right, Roog, but I don't know how. Seed hates me, I can see it, and there will be no reasoning with Culgan, I'm sure. Borus said that they just need time (and no I did not say it was Culgan and Seed specifically, thank you Roog) to work out their differences and work through these new revelations. But... is it wrong to ask about myself? What happens to me? Do I loose a potential friend? How do I look Culgan in the eye from now on when we by chance meet?
Feitas Roog... Roog I need you here. I need you here so badly, if for no other reason that to lean on you, to talk, to work this out. I'm confused, Roog. I'm confused, and lonely. Did you know I'm going to Chisha to say goodbye to a friend of mine? It just seems like I'm loosing my friends here.
[Writing is unintelligble for a moment, speared my something wet.]
Roog... Roog, I love you.
To bad I'll never have the courage to say that.