(no subject)
I am currently and seriously considering getting rid of all the instruments I have worked so hard to accumulate with the exception of two of my trombone, and not playing any more rock or pop music. And also considering not sharing my music with anyone until I feel I'm ready to, or at least until I have completed my degree.
I wish this was a reaction. But I really feel it's a necessity. I'm sick of feeling like I have to show everyone I'm capable of what they think I'm capable of. I know there are no expectations of me, but I also know that I have expectations of myself, and until I meet those standards I cannot feel the standards of others are worth meeting.
I am well aware that these are merely my insecurities seeping out and rearing their ugly, margianalizing, and self-hatred-inducing heads. But honestly, I haven't made anything I'm proud of, or anything I deem worthy of holding on to.
I have an awful lot of equipment which I would be able to sell, then apply that money towards a trip to Japan or Barcelona or both, or that I could put into a retirement fund. An estimated sum total of (rather realistically) $1175. I feel like it would simplify my life. However, I also think I would feel rather unfulfilled and empty. It's comforting to surround myself with what I would ideally like to do for the rest of my life.
But for what? I have no idea what I'm aiming for. I have no idea where this crap is going to take me. I have so much that I can't do anything with any of it. I have no focus. Maybe I'll pick one instrument and focus on it until I feel confident enough with it that I can move on to another one. Because this is, in fact, too much.
I almost want to pull a Charles Ives and start a business, composing on the side and not showing anyone until after I die. I don't know how accomplished I would feel, but I suppose if I please myself I don't need anything else.
What a load of crap. I want to please many people. And if I were to compose and share it with the world, I believe I could affect people. Which is what (I guess) I want to do with my music. Truly move people. But as I said before, I have yet to do anything that does that. So I'll think about it some more, and think about what I need to keep and what I need to get rid of. Outside thoughts appreciated.
I wish this was a reaction. But I really feel it's a necessity. I'm sick of feeling like I have to show everyone I'm capable of what they think I'm capable of. I know there are no expectations of me, but I also know that I have expectations of myself, and until I meet those standards I cannot feel the standards of others are worth meeting.
I am well aware that these are merely my insecurities seeping out and rearing their ugly, margianalizing, and self-hatred-inducing heads. But honestly, I haven't made anything I'm proud of, or anything I deem worthy of holding on to.
I have an awful lot of equipment which I would be able to sell, then apply that money towards a trip to Japan or Barcelona or both, or that I could put into a retirement fund. An estimated sum total of (rather realistically) $1175. I feel like it would simplify my life. However, I also think I would feel rather unfulfilled and empty. It's comforting to surround myself with what I would ideally like to do for the rest of my life.
But for what? I have no idea what I'm aiming for. I have no idea where this crap is going to take me. I have so much that I can't do anything with any of it. I have no focus. Maybe I'll pick one instrument and focus on it until I feel confident enough with it that I can move on to another one. Because this is, in fact, too much.
I almost want to pull a Charles Ives and start a business, composing on the side and not showing anyone until after I die. I don't know how accomplished I would feel, but I suppose if I please myself I don't need anything else.
What a load of crap. I want to please many people. And if I were to compose and share it with the world, I believe I could affect people. Which is what (I guess) I want to do with my music. Truly move people. But as I said before, I have yet to do anything that does that. So I'll think about it some more, and think about what I need to keep and what I need to get rid of. Outside thoughts appreciated.