Baby, don't hurt me.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
-Death "The Sandman"
Another thought-out post? No wai.
Before I go through this, I would like to point out once again that this is completely my opinion and it doesn't mean it's right.
And I'm not trying to look conceited, but this is again, how I see and how I feel things.
Anyway, I've been thinking about what every other girl my age thinks about: Love. But I don't think that I've been thinking about it how other girls think about it. (that was quite a sentence) Anyway, I've been thinking about how the word love has been thrown around more often than -insert witty comparison here-. I don't think much more than a couple out of a hundred people know really what love is, or what it could be.
In fact, what made me start thinking this is a short comic that I just recently read called "I Like Girls". And so, with this entry on the big L, I am going to go into a lot of gayness.
The fact is, I think that love is a lot different then what most people want it to be. I don't think that love has anything to do with sexuality. Though, I do think that sexuality has everything to do with love.
this is terrible start, so let me being in a better place.
I think loving people is a very natural thing. I love people. I don't like to be around just *any* people, I like to be around people that I love. How do you love someone? Well, you start out with how you see them. Seeing is the beginning of loving, at least that's what I believe.
"How do you see them?" is the first question. So how *do* you see them? Now, I was never one of those girls to stick posters of men that I was infatuated with from TV and movies or models and singers. I never wanted to. How do you see them is a very good question, because I think that loving starts with how you see them treat others, or how you see they could treat you. Or you see what's in their minds and hearts. Like for me, the closest thing I've ever had to an infatuation is with the characters that actors play. Why? because that character is what I see and what I like in those people. Like the character Beast from Xmen? Yeah, I had a crush on him and he was a BEAST. But why was I so infatuated with him? because he was smart, something that has always been an attractive trait to me. And also, because when he goes through his mutation he is already dating Storm, who swears she loves him, but Beast is suspicious that she loves him because of Professor X's mind games and mind control. He loves her so much that until he has absolute proof that she really loves him too, he doesn't touch her. He doesn't let her touch him either, because he loves her too much to let her kiss the face of a beast.
Yeah, that has to be some kind of love.
So how I see him was one of the factors of my infatuation. I don't care if he was fictional, and the thing that went through my head was something like, "If someone cared about me that much, I know I couldn't help but love them."
See? Right there? There was nothing about how he looked, just the desire to feel a love of that level.
So what does being Gay have to do with that?
Well, to begin with the gay thing is I have to give a little background on us as people.
At one time, being straight was the norm. It was how things were supposed to be.
Also at one time, parents set up marriages. It was how things were supposed to be, and what if you didn't love the person you were with? Tough titty. Go have babies so you can do the same thing to them.
Now we're out of that, and we marry whoever we fall in love with.
Well, that's how its supposed to be. But I think that for some time, we take the closest thing we think is love.
But love is all about connection. Love is about how well you feel you can know that person without thinking less of them.
And I think that person is very capable of being the same gender.
Or a person from the same family.
Hell, they may even be from Mars.
It doesn't matter to me, not if they have that connection.
Now sexuality is a different thing here, remember that.
Hell, how can you explain those men who were total womanizers before they met that "one guy".
It's not like they woke up one day with women draped over them and said, "I WANT TO SCREW MEN NOW AND BECOME AN EMBARASSMENT TO MY PARENTS AND A SOCIAL OUTCAST."
I bet you everything that they didn't do that.
I bet you everything that they felt something different with that "one guy" that they didn't feel with the women he was with. They felt the connection that I think is the truest love someone can have.
Okay, what about sexuality?
Oh, I totally think that someone can be straight sexually but be in a gay relationship.
Why? Because they feel something different with the person they love, but its not sexual.
Well, it may be sexual, too, but that's not what they think about most of the time. I think what they feel is that "I don't need sex with you, when I could just watch you sleep."
And I think that's why giving yourself to someone sexually, when the time is right, is an amazing sacrifice. Even when you don't need it, nor does the other partner. It's saying, in a way, "I love you enough to feel you in a different way." To give up that power so that person could know them in a new way.
Because when you love someone, you want them to know everything about you.
You still want them to love you because of it.
And you're not afraid that they won't, because you're sure they wills till love you.
Because you FEEL it.
So I don't think that most people even know what love is, even if they are married and have been forever.
They might, I'm not saying they don't, but I'm saying they probably don't.
I mean, I know a couple that has been married since they were seventeen.
The wife of that couple told me after I told he all these things that she had so many things that she was afraid to tell her husband because she was afraid of what he might think of her.
That isn't love to me.
Love is not being afraid of anything because you have the other.
Love is also sacrifice. Love is when an Atheist falls in love with a Christian, and even though they don't believe in what the other does, they still go to church together.
Love is when an Italian chef falls in love with someone who doesn't even like Italian food, but they will eat it anyway and find something they like, just so the other can use the talents they have to make the other happy, even though it takes the length of forever to find that one dish.
Love is that Italian chef learning how to make the best Thai food, since its their partner's favorite.
Love is wanting to look pretty so your partner can enjoy how you look, though they don't care about your appearance unless you do.
I think that people have some idea what this connection is, though, even if they can't put into words, or even if they don't have the relationship themselves.
How?
Where do you think fandom came from?
Yeah, I'm bringing my fandoms into this.
Why do you think that so many people pair up noncannon couples? Because, in their eyes, those people have a better connection.
Because they feel like Harry will love Hermione no matter what.
Because no one will understand Tony Stark's oddities like Captain America.
Because if Sora and Matt got in a fight like Tai and Matt had, they wouldn't have ever forgiven one another.
Because you wish you had what those people had, even though even the characters themselves didn't know they had it.
So what is love? love is a connection that you have. One that's so strong you're not afraid of the world turning upside-down, because you know you'll be able to hang on to this one stupid connection that you haven't felt before. And you don't really mind hanging onto the edge together, because you can see the rest of the world differently, you see sex differently, you see everything that was ever important to you in another way. It gives you a view to what you can't reach.
But who cares? Who cares when you already have what you do?
Who cares when "love" beings to seem like an awfully stupid word for something so great?
But what the hell do I know? I'm only seventeen and all the little relationships I've ever been in have been disasters.
Perhaps I'm totally wrong and I'm setting myself for a life of loneliness because of such high standards.
But you know what?
If love isn't like this, if love is just sex and spending time together, I don't think I want it, and I would be okay with being alone.
But what do I know?