Get Up and Shake the Glitter Off Your Clothes (Brendon/Spencer) 5/5
Back to Part 4.
“Are you sure you don’t want to cancel?” Ryan asks later that day.
Spencer shakes his head and double checks a booking online.
“I could call everyone,” Ryan offers. “Tell them it’s been…I don’t know. Postponed or something. We don’t have to say any more than that.”
Spencer shakes his head again. “No, it’s okay,” he says.
“Spence.”
“Ryan.”
Ryan sighs. “Are you sure? Because I could. It’d be no trouble. I’d make sure everything was sorted out and-”
“No,” Spencer punctuates his words with a steely look and Ryan closes his mouth.
“You really believe he’s going to turn up?” Ryan asks. “Like something out of a RomCom?”
Spencer smiles. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I do.”
“Why?”
“Because I have to,” Spencer replies quietly. “I have to believe Brendon loves me. Because if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do. So I need to believe this, okay?”
Ryan doesn’t ask him about cancelling again.
~~~
Spencer thinks he might throw up. His nausea isn’t improved by Ryan’s constant fussing, even though Ryan’s presence is at least familiar and comforting.
Ryan reaches out to straighten Spencer’s collar again, but Spencer bats him away.
“Any word?” he asks. He’s trying not to show how nervous he is, how unsure he suddenly feels.
Ryan hums in reply.
“Was that a yes or a no?” Spencer demands.
“It was a hum,” Ryan replies, then makes a face when Spencer gives him a steely look.
“Fine,” Ryan sighs after a brief staring competition. “No, I’ve not heard anything. But that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t think Brendon’s even talking to me anymore.”
He looks shifty and Spencer narrows his eyes. “Why not?” he asks.
Ryan makes a face and shifts from one foot to the other. “Uh. I may have called him up and yelled at him. A lot. And called him a fucking idiot. And told him that if he hurt my best friend again I’d beat the shit out of him.”
“Did he laugh in your face when you said that?” Pete asks, coming into the room. He’s adjusting his shirtsleeves and Spencer’s relieved to see Pete hasn’t strayed too far from the outfit they’d decided for him.
Ryan puts his hands on hips and glares. “I could take Brendon,” he claims. “I could totally take Brendon.”
Pete looks sceptical. “Dream on, Ross,” he says and turns his attention to Spencer. He lets out a low whistle. “Niiiiiiice,” he winks. “Sure you don’t want to marry me instead, Spence? It’s a match made in heaven. Imagine spending the rest of your life as Spence Wentz.”
Spencer laughs, and pretends to give Pete a considering look. “Tempting,” he says, and Pete laughs his loud, honking laugh.
“Ryan said you’re going to go to Palm Springs for your honeymoon? Cos, you know, I’d take you to Palm Springs whenever you wanted.” There’s something about the waggle in his eyebrows, the smirk in his voice, that lets Spencer know that to Pete, at least, Palm Springs isn’t just a nice place to vacation.
“That’s the plan,” Spencer says, giving Pete a regretful smile. “And, really, it’d be hard to change the names on the bookings so I think I’m going to have to pass. Thanks though.”
Pete laughs and claps him on the back and Spencer wonders if it’s weird that he’s not the only one pretending this is all okay, acting like Brendon is just in the next room instead of potentially miles and miles way.
“I just came up to tell you everyone’s pretty much here. They’re taking their seats outside, and the caterers say they’re ready for as soon as the ceremony is over.”
Spencer gives Pete a grateful smile. “Thanks,” he says. “For everything, Pete. This is really nice of you, letting us use your place.”
Pete shrugs. “Yeah, well, you know Ashlee and Patrick are total softies when it comes to romance. I couldn’t have said no.”
Ryan rolls his eyes. “Oh, yeah, they’re the sappy romantics,” he snorts.
“I have no idea what you’re implying, Ross,” Pete says, mock sternly, and then nudges Ryan with his elbow.
“You guys should come down whenever you’re ready,” he adds.
“Is he-”
Pete gives Spencer a carefully blank look and shakes his head. “Not that I’ve seen. Doesn’t mean he’s not here though. I’ve been, uh, otherwise engaged for the past hour.”
Ryan wrinkles his nose, and Pete laughs. It’s contagious and it makes Spencer smile. He’s not sure he’ll be able to laugh until Brendon arrives and the relief washes away the tension all through his body.
Pete leaves them alone and Ryan turns Spencer to face him, placing his hands on Spencer’s shoulders.
“No matter what,” he says, “know that we love you. All of us. And we’re right there beside you.”
Spencer wants to tell Ryan that it’s going to be okay, that he appreciates the support but doesn’t need it because Brendon is going to be there. But the doubt catches on his tongue and he can’t speak. So he just nods, and then pulls Ryan into an awkwardly bony hug that makes him certain that Ryan actually has 5 elbows.
“Ready?” Ryan says, when they let each other go.
Spencer glances in the mirror, shakes his hair down enough to hide behind if he has to, and nods.
“Yes,” he says, and means it. He just hopes Brendon is ready too.
~~~
Spencer stands off to the side, watching the gathered people while he can. His family are here- he can see his sisters’ heads bending in towards each other as they make eyes at a thankfully oblivious Travis. Spencer’s mom is wearing the outfit she’d told him about, all those months ago when he’d first broken the news to her.
She’s sitting next to Brendon’s mom, and for a brief, selfless moment Spencer hopes Brendon turns up to at least see the support of his family, how many of them came, how at ease they feel in this gathering of people who lead such different lives than they do. How they’re there for the love of Brendon.
Spencer knows Ryan’s going to call him a little girl when he catches Spencer thinking this way, but Spencer can’t quite get past how this whole day is about love. The love of their families and the love of their friends, all of them who could make it. Spencer casts his gaze about, resting it for a moment on where Jon and Tom and Eric are huddled together, talking animatedly about something.
He moves his gaze on to where Deleon is frowning at Cash and nudging him repeatedly. Spencer’s sure if he watches long enough Cash will snap and punch Deleon in the arm and then spend the rest of the day trying to get a pouty Deleon to smile at him again. Then he rests his gaze for a moment on Greta and Gabe smiling at each other across the people sitting between them, before looking over at where Ashlee and Patrick are sitting together. Bronx is on Patrick’s knee, and Ashlee is helping him wave at Pete.
Who is standing at the end of the aisle. Which is less of an aisle and more of a strip of stone paving making up part of Pete’s patio, with a small platform placed at one end. That’s where Pete’s standing, looking around at the people gathered on the white plastic chairs in the afternoon sun. Ryan is standing there beside him, exchanging what Spencer recognises as worried glances at Zack who, Spencer is pleased to see, isn’t dressed up like many of the guests are. He’s still rocking his camo shorts and black shirt and Spencer’s glad he’s there, even if it means he’s not off wrangling Brendon to bring him here.
Before Spencer is done people watching, before he’s done avoiding the nervous flutter of his stomach, the way his palms sweat, the way he feels a little light headed, Ryan hurries towards him.
“There’s still no word,” he says. “Pete said I should ask what you wanted to do.”
“He’ll come,” Spencer tells him, but he can hear his own voice waver with uncertainty. He’d almost laughed when Ryan had mentioned it being like a RomCom. Because even though movies like that were so far detached from reality, they gave strength to the hope Spencer’s been carrying around with him since Brendon left. Because it’s always down to the wire in movies. It’s always just at the very last second that the hero rushes in and saves the day. Spencer’s hardly a damsel in distress but there’s still a part of him hoping Brendon’s going to burst through the door, stride up the aisle and tip Spencer back in his arms to kiss him soundly.
Ryan stares at Spencer, and Spencer worries he’s said that out loud, but Ryan merely nods and lopes back to Pete. He watches them get into a heated debate and Spencer realises that Ryan may be wanting Pete to call this whole thing off before it can even start. Spencer doesn’t want that. He doesn’t need that. He needs this event to happen, and for Brendon to come through the door and say the vows they’d thought they’d said. Vows they’d found themselves believing in, following.
Ryan glances back towards Spencer and Pete shakes his head and then Spencer is moving, down the aisle, ignoring the way everyone turns to watch him hurry past. There’s a quiet murmur through the gathered people as he climbs up beside Ryan and Pete and says to Ryan, “stop trying to make me cancel.”
Ryan gives Spencer a hurt look. “I was trying to tell Pete we needed to wait longer,” he explains and Spencer looks over at Pete, who nods.
“I get what you’re doing,” Pete says. “I really do. But he’s not here.”
“Sorry,” Spencer says to Ryan, who looks mollified. Then he turns to Pete. “Just a little longer,” he pleads. “I need to give him the chance. This is important. I…I need to know if he can be there for me.”
Pete bows his head a little, then reaches out and clasps Spencer’s arm. “He’s an idiot if he misses this,” he says, and Spencer nods.
“Oh, I know,” he replies, and Pete smiles, a little sadly.
“You sure?” Ryan asks, reaching out and touching Spencer’s sleeve.
Spencer nods. “The invite said 2 o’clock,” he says, looking at his watch. It’s 2.03 but Brendon’s never been one to run on time. “Maybe he just needs a little more time.”
He sees Ryan and Pete exchange a glance out of the corner of his eye, but he chooses to ignore it.
Spencer feels awkward, suddenly, standing up there in front of Pete, Ryan beside him, and all eyes boring into the back of his skull. There’s a hundred reasons Spencer enjoys drumming, but one of them is the lack of focus, how he’s behind the others, giving them the support, the beat, they need without being the centre of attention.
Brendon, Spencer thinks, would love being up there. For a moment he thinks about what it would be like if it was the other way around, if it were Brendon waiting on Spencer to show up, but it doesn’t make sense in Spencer’s head. He’d never leave Brendon hanging like this.
Time stretches out forever and ever. Minutes seem like years and with every noise, every movement, Spencer has to look up, has to see if it’s Brendon. Every time he sees it isn’t, it’s like a knife to the heart. And still time drags on.
Spencer doesn’t look directly at anyone, but he can hear the quiet murmur when realisation hits them all.
Brendon’s not coming.
Spencer stares at the perfectly cracked stones on Pete’s patio. The sun is too bright suddenly, and everything is bathed in a sickly yellow glow. He can hear people whispering and then there’s a roar in his ears that only goes away when he hears Zack yelling.
“Okay, okay, everyone inside,” he’s saying firmly. “Don’t look at me like that, get inside. Yes, you too. And you. Especially you,” he adds. “Stop being creepy.”
Spencer wonders who he’s talking to, who still wants to see Spencer standing there alone and abandoned. He can’t bring himself to look up though, keeps his eyes tracing the lines in the stone at his feet, until he feels a hand on his shoulder.
“Spence?”
Spencer looks up into Ryan’s concerned eyes. He doesn’t say anything, just looks around at the people Ryan’s let stay. Pete’s still standing in front of him, sunglasses pushed up and squinting into the sunlight so he can stare at Spencer sympathetically. Shane and Jon and Zack are there too, and even though Spencer hates it, hates why they’re watching him, he appreciates it all the same.
“So I guess he’s not coming,” Spencer says, turning around and sinking down onto the ground. He crosses his feet under himself and hunches forward a little to pick at his shoelace.
“I really thought he would,” he says, looking up at the guys.
They all nod. “Me too,” Ryan says. Spencer sees him exchange a look with Jon who sighs when he notices Spencer looking at him.
“I’m so sorry, Spence,” he says for the hundredth time. “I really-”
“It’s fine,” Spencer says, and means it. “This isn’t your fault.”
“No,” Ryan agrees. “It’s Brendon’s.”
Spencer shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s his either. This whole thing…maybe I wanted it too much, you know?”
No one says anything and Spencer looks down at his hands. He doesn’t like how empty they look. His hand feels weird and off balance without the ring on his finger.
It hits him then, hits him like a house falling on him, hits him like his heart falling out of his chest and shattering on the ground at his feet.
Brendon isn’t going to turn up. Brendon was never going to turn up and Spencer had allowed himself to hope. It makes the hurt worse, if that’s even possible.
Spencer aches. Nothing’s ever felt like this before, for him. He’s never felt this alone, this empty, this numb.
“Spencer?” someone says, but Spencer doesn’t look up. All he knows is it’s not Brendon’s voice, it’s not the voice he wanted to hear, was expecting to hear.
He’d thought it was pretty awful, back when he was in love with Brendon and hadn’t know that Brendon felt the same. That had been a dull ache that he’d been able to ignore sometimes, but it had never truly gone away, not until Brendon had said ‘I love you’ and everything had become as close to perfect as Spencer figured he’d ever get.
But that feeling had been nothing compared to this one, the dawning possibility that maybe Brendon hadn’t felt the same, or that maybe he had but something had changed, something irreversible and that Brendon didn’t or wouldn’t love him enough to stand up and share with everyone how he felt anymore.
“Spence,” Ryan crouches down in front of him and Spencer lifts his head, meets the eyes of his best friend. They’re sad and sorry and angry too.
Spencer stares at him for a moment, then nods. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “I know. I guess we should all go home.” He winces, thinking of how he’s going to have to move his stuff out of Brendon’s place so that Brendon can have his home to himself, the way he wants. He’ll have to stay with Ryan- he knows without asking that it’ll be okay, but living with Ryan isn’t going to be as good as being in the place he’s thought of as home mostly because of it being where Brendon was.
Spencer glances at the others, at the sympathetic glances they’re giving him. Normally it’d piss him off, but right now he’s grateful for it. He appreciates that they’re there. “Thanks, you guys,” he says and they all nod, apart from Jon who is looking off to the side, frowning a little.
“Be right back,” he says, still frowning. Spencer watches him hurry off towards the pool house down the end of the garden, then looks at Ryan, who shrugs.
Spencer waves his hand towards the house, where all of their friends and family are gathered inside, probably talking in hushed tones about how ridiculous Spencer had looked, alone at the alter, how there had to be something wrong with Spencer for Brendon to not want to show up. “I don’t know what to do about…” he trails off and Zack reaches out and puts his hand on Spencer’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it,” he says, the same look in his eyes he gets when dealing with overzealous teenies. “We’ll take care of it. Ryan’ll take you back to his place, we’ll tell people there’s been some sort of…malfunction, and-”
“Then I’ll find Brendon and kill him,” Ryan breaks in and Spencer laughs hollowly.
He takes the hand Zack offers him and gets pulled to his feet. He’s brushing the dirt off his pants half-heartedly, thinking about the questions he’s going to have to field, at some point, when Jon comes hurrying back from the pool house, looking confused and pissed off.
“This was in the pool house,” he says, voice sounding a little strange. He stops in front of Spencer and holds out a tiny box. A box Spencer recognises instantly.
Spencer opens the box and stares at the ring inside. He figures Brendon must have sent it over, a sign that their relationship really is over. It feels weirdly final, seeing it there nested in velvet and not where it should be, on his hand.
He wants to put it on, one last time, just so he can try and feel the strange sense of security it had given him when Brendon had first slid it onto his finger. But when he takes it out of the box, it almost looks too small. Frowning, Spencer tries to put it on, but it won’t fit.
It’s Brendon’s ring.
A thrill of ‘what if’ runs through him as he stares at it, stuck halfway down his finger. It’s a faint hope, a ridiculous one, to try and read any meaning into its presence. There’s always the chance that Brendon just sent the wrong one but-
“There was just this ring on its own?” Spencer asks. “No note?”
Jon licks his lip carefully and glances over at the pool house. “That was the only ring I saw,” he says. “No note. I wouldn’t say it was on its own though. Since it was given to me to give to you.”
Spencer stares at Jon. “Is he in there?” he asks. He knows his voice is too high, painfully so, but if Brendon is sitting in the pool house, Spencer is going to kill him painfully. As painfully as standing and letting his heart break again in front of all of their friends and family had been.
All of the anger and hurt Spencer has been warring with for the past few weeks pools hot and uncomfortable in his stomach suddenly and he feels ill. He pushes past Pete and heads to the pool house. He can hear Ryan calling after him, but he doesn’t listen, just throws open the door and steps inside.
Brendon is sitting on a chair, turning Spencer’s ring over and over in his fingers. He doesn’t look up when Spencer steps inside.
“Jon, I told you-” he starts to say, but Spencer interrupts.
“I’m not Jon,” he says.
Brendon is spinning the ring in his palm when Spencer speaks and he jumps, dropping the ring on the floor. It rolls towards Spencer, circling at his feet before falling still in front of him.
Spencer bends down and picks it up. He holds one ring in each hand.
“Lost something?” he asks, holding them out. There’s not much difference between them. Spencer’s is a tiny bit bigger, not noticeable unless you’re looking for it.
Brendon gets up and walks towards him. He stops just out of arms reach and considers for a moment. Then he takes Spencer’s ring, the one he’d been playing with, and slides it onto his own hand, curling his hand into a fist around it.
“Sure that’s the right one?” Spencer asks. He knows he sounds pissy and Brendon gives him a surprised look.
“I’m sure,” he says. “Spence, I-”
“How long have you been in here?” Spencer demands. “Because it’s got to be hours. You must’ve been here when they were setting up. When the guests filed in. When I went and stood out there and waited for you and you never showed up. Did you see all that? Were you watching?”
“No,” Brendon says, and Spencer gives him a disbelieving look. “Really,” Brendon stresses. “I just looked out the window a few minutes ago, that’s all. And I saw you there, on the ground. And all the chairs were empty and just. Fuck. I’m sorry, Spence. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for...” he trails off, and Spencer can see swallow hard.
“Before that,” Brendon continues. “Before, I was sitting here and thinking. About what I want.”
“And what’s that, Brendon? What do you want?” Spencer can feel his anger thawing a little from the apology and he hates himself a little, in that moment, for feeling himself start to give in and let the anger melt away. He wishes he could hate Brendon, but he can’t.
“To go back in time,” Brendon replies and Spencer deflates.
“You wish we’d never woken up in that motel bed,” he says. It’s not a question, but Brendon shakes his head.
“What? No! I wish I’d never walked out on you.”
Spencer gives him a sceptical look. “That’s not what you said before,” he points out and Brendon runs his hand through his hair and half turns away.
“I was wrong,” he says, not looking at Spencer. “And scared. Because this has always been real to me, from before that morning in the motel until after you told me it had all been a joke. But I wasn’t sure if it was to you. I wasn’t sure if you were going to look at finding out we weren’t married as a way out.”
“Brendon,” Spencer says, frustrated, and Brendon looks at him.
“I know, okay? I know I fucked up.”
“This is real to me too,” Spencer insists. “Do you think I would have stood up there, by myself, and waited for you, if it wasn’t real? Do you think I like putting myself in positions where my heart is going to be ripped from my chest? Do you really think I enjoy that at all?”
Brendon opens his mouth to reply but it’s all spilling out of Spencer now, making his eyes prickle with wet heat.
“Do you know what it was like, to find out that it had been a joke? Do you know how sick it made me feel? But I knew it would be okay because I would find a way to tell you and you would laugh and tell me that it didn’t matter. That’s how I got over it, that’s how I took the news so calmly. Because I knew it wouldn’t matter. But I was wrong.”
“Spence-”
Spencer shakes his head. “No, listen. Fuck, just listen for a change. And then you can do exactly what you did before and walk out that door and leave me again. And even when you did that, I still had faith that you would come back, that you would show up here today and one day we would be able to laugh about this. I kept planning this thing because I had to, Brendon. I had to focus on the idea of everything working out okay in the end because otherwise I don’t think I would have been able to get out of bed in the morning.”
Brendon looks stricken, like Spencer has just slapped him, and there’s a part of Spencer that wants to, wants to make Brendon feel even a tiny fraction of the pain he’s feeling. “I didn’t think you-”
“What?” Spencer demands. “You didn’t think I’d care? That it would bother me? You didn’t think that I would believe in you, in us, enough to allow myself to hope? Because I did. And I just don’t know what I can say to you anymore, I don’t know what I can say to make you want me again.”
Spencer stops talking and looks away from Brendon, grimacing a little at how exposed he suddenly feels, saying those words to Brendon. It’s not how he’s used to feeling with him, and it scares him how wrong it feels, is maybe always going to feel, to talk to Brendon about anything meaningful ever again.
When he glances over, Brendon is looking heartbroken, and Spencer feels a vicious stab of satisfaction at causing Brendon to hurt. He doesn’t say anything, and Spencer doesn’t expect him to, so he sighs and turns towards the door.
“I’ll see you when the album drops,” he says, and he’s about to step outside when a hand grabs his wrists and tugs him around.
“Spencer,” Brendon says, and pushes Spencer until his back is against the door. He crowds up against him and kisses him, tentatively at first, and then harder, more desperate, when Spencer automatically opens his mouth.
Spencer kisses back angrily, grasping onto Brendon’s arm tight enough that he thinks it’ll probably leave bruises. He doesn’t care. Brendon’s grip on his wrist tightens too, as if holding Spencer in place, stopping him from escaping, as they kiss messily, teeth bashing against each other until Spencer turns his face away. It leaves Brendon panting against Spencer’s neck for a moment, then he lifts his face up, tries to catch Spencer’s mouth with his own again, but Spencer tightens his jaw and doesn’t look at Brendon.
“Spence, please,” Brendon says. “I need…I want…fuck, I want you Spencer. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Let me…please.” His voice cracks and his breath shudders like he’s crying, and it makes Spencer’s heart ache. He doesn’t want Brendon to cry, doesn’t want him to hurt, not ever, not even to punish him for this whole fucked up situation.
Spencer closes his eyes, so he can’t see Brendon’s tears. He’s pretty sure that’d break him more than the embarrassment of being left at the altar, than the loneliness he’d felt when Brendon had walked out, than the realisation that Brendon wasn’t going to come back. He keeps his eyes closed and turns back and Brendon kisses him again.
Spencer lets go of Brendon’s arm and lifts his hand to Brendon’s face, cupping his cheek as they kiss. It takes a moment for Spencer to feel the tension leave Brendon, for him to relax, to mould his body against Spencer’s. He lets go of Spencer’s wrist finally, and slides his hand to Spencer’s waist, gripping a handful of shirt instead.
Brendon makes a happy noise in the back of his throat and mutters, “thank you,” against Spencer’s mouth, but Spencer doesn’t want to hear that, so he just kisses Brendon harder, thinking about how much he’s missed this, how right this has always felt and still does.
They kiss until they run out of air and when Brendon leans back his lips are red and the tears Spencer had been able to taste as they’d kissed are dry.
They look at each other for a long moment, and Spencer wants to reach out and pull Brendon against him again, but he can’t.
“What changed your mind?” Spencer asks softly. Part of him wants to stop demanding answers, to just accept that Brendon is there, that he wants Spencer. But Spencer’s pretty sure he deserves as decent an explanation as Brendon can offer.
Brendon hesitates, then nods and walks a few paces away. He wraps his arms across his chest and doesn’t meet Spencer’s eyes.
“I let myself dream again,” Brendon explains. “I let myself plan my future and this time I didn’t like what I saw.”
Spencer thinks about what Brendon had said, about picturing them growing old together. He doesn’t know how Brendon could change his mind that easily, and he opens his mouth to say something, hurt staining his cheeks red.
Brendon seems to know what he’s going to say. “No. Oh, no. No Spence. I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean I didn’t want everything I told you. This time what I dreamt was different. This time it was a future without you.”
Spencer shakes his head. “Brendon, don’t be stupid. I’m always going to be there in your future.” He means it too, no matter what happens between them here and now. Or in the future. Brendon was his friend first, before they let deeper emotions take over and Spencer is almost prepared for losing Brendon as a lover, but he refuses to lose him as a friend.
“Maybe I wouldn’t want you in my future,” Brendon says, and it’s like a slap in the face. Spencer’s confused- it feels like he’s constantly taking one step forward and two back when it comes to Brendon lately- but Brendon rushes on. “Not like that. Because I don’t think I could stand to see you being happy without me.”
Spencer stares at him.
“It’s selfish,” Brendon says. “I know. But I thought about what would happen. How we’d get past this somehow. How you’d get over me and fall in love with someone else. How you’d marry them and have a life with them, maybe the exact same life I pictured us having together. And I wouldn’t have been able to stand it. It would have eaten me up and hollowed me out and I’d lose you that way too. And I don’t want to lose you Spencer. I want the dream I had before. That’s the dream I want. I’m just scared.”
There’s a long pause. “Say something,” Brendon pleads, and Spencer can think of a thousand things he wants to say. But all that comes out is, “I’d never get over you.”
A hopeful smile spreads across Brendon’s face. “Really?” he says, and Spencer should nod, wants to, but he doesn’t want to give in this easily. He’s not sure Brendon deserves that yet, so he just meets Brendon’s gaze evenly until Brendon nods and moves over to where he’d been sitting before.
“You’re not scared of this at all, are you?” he asks and Spencer frowns.
“Of losing you?” Spencer asks. “Because, fuck, I’ve never been more scared of anything in my life.”
Brendon looks at him, that hopeful smile still playing at the corners of his lips. “I meant us getting married. Spending our lives together.”
Spencer shakes his head. “How can I be scared of something that feels right?” he asks, moving to sit on a chair across from Brendon.
Brendon nods once and bites his lip. “I’m scared,” he says again. “I’m scared of how easy it was to believe we were married, how easy it was not to question it. I’m scared of how easy it was to move in together, to share a bed and our lives and to love you and be loved back.”
Spencer frowns and opens his mouth, but Brendon holds up a hand to silence him. “I’m scared of how easy it was to fall into all of that, compared to how hard it is going to be to start again. I’m scared it’s not going to be as easy this time, when we’re doing it for real, as it was when it wasn’t.”
Spencer nods. “It’s not going to be easy,” he agrees. “Especially now.” He can’t help the reproachful look he shoots in Brendon’s direction and Brendon grimaces but nods.
“You’re going to make me pay for this for the rest of our lives, aren’t you?”
Spencer huffs a laugh and half smiles. “Not really my style,” he says. “Just don’t do it again? Please?”
Brendon nods, then his face lights up. “Does that mean you forgive me? That we can move forward, together?”
Spencer presses his lips together to stop the smile that threatens to break across his face. He watches Brendon’s face, sees how hopeful it is, how he’s leaning forward, awaiting Spencer’s response. There’s only one thing Spencer can say, one answer he can give. It’s always been that way, he knows, because it’s always been Brendon and he’d forgive him anything, give him anything, if it meant they could be together.
Spencer meets Brendon’s eyes. “You’re a dick,” he says, but he’s grinning and then Brendon is out of his chair and straddling Spencer’s lap, kissing him with his thumbs brushing along Spencer’s jaw.
“Yeah?” Brendon asks, when he breaks the kiss and Spencer looks up at Brendon and gives him a look that he hopes holds all of the ‘you’re a complete idiot’ message he’s trying to send when he nods.
“Yeah,” he says. “Of course, yeah.”
Brendon kisses him again, and Spencer can feel how his lips are curved into a smile.
“I’ll make it up to you,” Brendon says. Spencer opens his mouth to tell Brendon he doesn’t have to, that the fact he’s here now and that he loves him is enough, but he closes it without saying anything. He figures it won’t hurt to have Brendon fawning over him for a couple of days, just for fun.
Brendon starts to get up and Spencer puts his hands on Brendon’s hips and holds him in place. The movement makes Brendon smile and he rests his forehead against Spencer’s for a moment.
“I’m sorry about all that,” he says, motioning outside. “I’ll go in and tell everyone I got a flat tyre or something. I don’t know. I’ll think of something believable. And we’ll do this again, right? I mean we could-” he stops talking and looks towards the window, and then back at Spencer.
“Pete’s ordained, right?” he asks, sounding excited. “I mean, he could marry us right here and now.”
Spencer frowns. “We don’t have a marriage license,” he points out. “I figured if today had gone as planned we’d go down and get one tomorrow or something, that it would just be a formality.”
Brendon nods, bouncing a little. “Then that’s what we’ll do. Right now. We’ll go out there and do exactly that.”
Spencer shakes his head. “Don’t you think it’s best if we take things slow this time? I’d be crazy to rush into getting married and starting all over again.”
“Crazier than getting drunk and married in Vegas, like we thought we did last time?” Brendon points out and Spencer sighs.
“I can’t go in there and bring everyone back outside,” he says. “Don’t ask me to do that.”
Brendon shakes his head. “Just us,” he says. “That’s all I want there. Just us. Us, and Pete and the others. No one else. That’s the way it should be.”
Spencer tips his head to the side and looks at Brendon. “I don’t know…” he says and Brendon leans forwards, resting a hand over Spencer’s heart.
“I love you,” he says. “And I want to marry you. Now. Today. But if you don’t love me enough to do that, or if you’re too chicken, well, then…”
“Fuck you,” Spencer says, rolling his eyes. “Calling me a coward isn’t going to make me do what you want. I’m not Marty McFly.”
Brendon pouts, and Spencer raises an eyebrow.
“Okay,” Brendon says, climbing off Spencer’s lap. “Okay. Then how about this. Marry me, Spencer Smith, and make me the happiest guy on earth. Again.”
It’s corny, but Brendon looks so earnest that Spencer reaches out to take the hand Brendon has extended towards him. Spencer’s ring is still loose on Brendon’s finger and the feel of the warmed metal against his palm feels good.
“Okay,” Spencer says, and stands up, closing the distance between them.
“Thank you,” Brendon says, and Spencer leans down to press his lips, gently, to Brendon’s. Then he straightens up.
“Now?” he gestures towards the door. “Are you sure?”
Brendon nods, grinning. “Never been more sure,” he says, and opens the door, standing aside to let Spencer out first.
The others are sitting around on the white plastic chairs, talking in low voices, but they stop talking and look up as Brendon and Spencer approach. Spencer can see Jon and Ryan exchange a worried look, and he keeps his eyes on them as he reaches out towards Brendon. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Brendon look down between them and grin, taking Spencer’s hand in his own. They’re still wearing each others rings, and they clink together as their hands collide.
Jon is grinning, and when he looks at them, Spencer sees Pete and Shane and Zack are too. Ryan’s face is carefully blank, eyes trained on Spencer’s face until Spencer meets his eyes and nods, just once. Then Ryan smiles.
No one says anything when Brendon and Spencer reach them and they all just grin at each other for a moment.
“You’re a dick,” Ryan says finally, breaking the silence. He reaches over and thumps Brendon hard in the shoulder.
“Ow!” Brendon exclaims, dropping Spencer’s hand to rub at his arm. “Fuck, that hurt, Ryan.”
Ryan gives Pete a pointed look. “I told you I could take him,” he says.
Pete’s amused look is suddenly obscured by Jon throwing an arm around each of Brendon and Spencer.
“I’m so sorry,” he says quietly. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I’m glad you guys are back together.”
Spencer reaches up to pat Jon’s back and meets Brendon’s hand there.
“It’s okay,” Brendon says, and Spencer can tell he means it. “None of this would have happened if you hadn’t.”
Spencer feels Jon stiffen, and Spencer says quickly, “We mean, thank you. Thank you, Jon.”
“Yeah,” Brendon agrees and Jon makes a relieved noise.
“Good,” he says. “Cos I think Ryan was going to kill me if I’d fucked things up with the band.”
“Hey!” Ryan protests. “I was not more concerned about the band than about my friends.”
Jon, Brendon and Spencer exchange mock-sceptical looks and Ryan makes an annoyed noise.
Spencer takes pity on him and turns to Pete. “We were wondering if you were still up for marrying us.”
“Right now?” Pete asks. “Because the answer is fuck yes. Let’s get you two married.”
“I’ll go and bring everyone back outside,” Zack says, getting to his feet, but Brendon reaches over and stops him with a hand to his arm.
“Don’t,” he says. “We just want it to be us. And the people who matter most.”
Spencer sees Shane duck his head and grin, sees Jon nod happily, sees Ryan’s sulk melt away.
“Shit, I think you’ve made Zack tear up,” Spencer says, nudging Brendon.
“Fuck off,” Zack says, half turning away to wipe at his eyes with the back of his hand. “It’s just my hay fever.”
Brendon grins at Spencer and goes to give Zack a quick hug.
Pete climbs back onto the platform and claps his hands once, rubbing them together. “Right, positions people.”
Spencer offers Brendon his hand as he steps up in front of Pete. He can feel Ryan’s presence beside him, can see Jon and Zack on the other side of Brendon.
“Ready?” Pete asks, and Spencer laughs, hard, because he’s been ready all day, maybe for the last six months, maybe before then.
“Yes,” he says, and squeezes Brendon’s hand.
Pete nods and starts to speak. Even though there’s hardly anyone to hear, Pete talks to them about love, about friendship, about finding each other and holding on, no matter what. Then he turns to Spencer.
“I, Spencer James Smith,” he begins, trying to remain solemn but unable to fight against the grin across his face.
Spencer repeats Pete’s words without even hearing them. He can’t stop looking at Brendon, who is looking back with nothing but love in his eyes. Later he’ll have to check the video Shane took to see what random and potentially worrying promises Pete’s throwing in, but Spencer’s sure he’d have promised them anyway. He’d promise Brendon just about anything, even despite all of the heartache.
He pays attention when it’s Brendon’s turn to answer though. Hearing Brendon say the words, promising to cherish and love and honour makes Spencer’s heart thump loudly in his chest with excitement and returned sentiment.
“I promise to not be a complete idiotic douche bag again,” Pete says, and Spencer cuts his eyes towards Pete, who shrugs and looks at Brendon expectantly. Spencer looks too and Brendon is laughing softly.
“I definitely promise to not be a complete idiotic douche bag like that again,” he repeats solemnly and holds Spencer’s hand a little tighter, echoing the rest of the vows Pete recites.
They exchange rings, Brendon’s getting stuck for a moment on Spencer’s finger as he tries to tug it off. It makes Brendon giggle, and they’re both chuckling, hands steady and sure as they slide the correct rings onto each others hands.
“You guys can make out now,” Pete finishes and Spencer is laughing when he leans in and kisses Brendon soundly. He can hear the others clapping and hollering and Brendon is laughing too when they move apart.
“You’re married,” Pete announces. “Congratulations.”
Spencer gives Brendon a ridiculous grin, then looks around at the others. “Thanks,” he says, and they all stand there for a moment before Brendon looks at Spencer.
“I guess we should go inside and join the party?”
“How’re we going to explain to everyone?” Spencer asks and Brendon pulls a face.
“How about we send Ryan in their first to explain in flowery words and metaphors and shit, and by the time we sneak in, their eyes will either be glazed over, or they’ll be so relieved to hear someone speaking like a real person they’ll accept our simple answer and move on.”
“Fuck you!” Ryan says. Spencer suspects that Ryan’s going to be pissy at Brendon for a little while longer, is going to bitch at him for no reason whenever he can.
“We’ll think of something,” Brendon says, leading Spencer by the hand towards the house, the others trailing behind. “I’ll think of something. I’ll explain it somehow.”
“Why don’t we tell everyone that it was an elaborate joke to fuck with Cash and Ian’s heads?” Jon suggests. “We can say that you wanted them to think something stupid they’d done had fucked up their friends chances of happiness and that making them sit there, thinking they’d ruined everything, was really good revenge.”
Spencer looks back and gives Jon a soft smile. “Jon, you didn’t ruin anything,” he says, and Jon smiles and nods.
“I know that now,” he says. “But Cash and Ian don’t. So. You know. Fucking with them is kinda funny.”
Spencer raises an eyebrow at Brendon who grins evilly. “I like it,” he says, then stops and stares at Spencer, smile sliding off his face and being replaced by a look of horror.
“What?” Spencer demands. “What’s wrong?” His hand is on the door handle, about to push it open.
“Even if we’re saying it was a joke, my mom is going to kill me,” Brendon says woefully. “She was really excited about this. Now she’ll think she’s missed me getting married twice. She is going to kill me dead.”
Spencer pushes the door open.
“Probably,” Spencer says cheerfully, as the room falls silent. Brendon gives everyone a sheepish look, the one that he uses to get away with things, and holds up their joined hands, rings flashing in the sunlight streaming in through the windows.
“I’ll protect you though,” he adds, and Brendon gives him a bright, perfect smile.
“Thank god for those vows,” he jokes but Spencer doesn’t laugh.
“Yeah,” he says, nodding seriously, and leans down and kisses Brendon quickly before pulling him by the hand, over the threshold.
“Are you sure you don’t want to cancel?” Ryan asks later that day.
Spencer shakes his head and double checks a booking online.
“I could call everyone,” Ryan offers. “Tell them it’s been…I don’t know. Postponed or something. We don’t have to say any more than that.”
Spencer shakes his head again. “No, it’s okay,” he says.
“Spence.”
“Ryan.”
Ryan sighs. “Are you sure? Because I could. It’d be no trouble. I’d make sure everything was sorted out and-”
“No,” Spencer punctuates his words with a steely look and Ryan closes his mouth.
“You really believe he’s going to turn up?” Ryan asks. “Like something out of a RomCom?”
Spencer smiles. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I do.”
“Why?”
“Because I have to,” Spencer replies quietly. “I have to believe Brendon loves me. Because if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do. So I need to believe this, okay?”
Ryan doesn’t ask him about cancelling again.
~~~
Spencer thinks he might throw up. His nausea isn’t improved by Ryan’s constant fussing, even though Ryan’s presence is at least familiar and comforting.
Ryan reaches out to straighten Spencer’s collar again, but Spencer bats him away.
“Any word?” he asks. He’s trying not to show how nervous he is, how unsure he suddenly feels.
Ryan hums in reply.
“Was that a yes or a no?” Spencer demands.
“It was a hum,” Ryan replies, then makes a face when Spencer gives him a steely look.
“Fine,” Ryan sighs after a brief staring competition. “No, I’ve not heard anything. But that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t think Brendon’s even talking to me anymore.”
He looks shifty and Spencer narrows his eyes. “Why not?” he asks.
Ryan makes a face and shifts from one foot to the other. “Uh. I may have called him up and yelled at him. A lot. And called him a fucking idiot. And told him that if he hurt my best friend again I’d beat the shit out of him.”
“Did he laugh in your face when you said that?” Pete asks, coming into the room. He’s adjusting his shirtsleeves and Spencer’s relieved to see Pete hasn’t strayed too far from the outfit they’d decided for him.
Ryan puts his hands on hips and glares. “I could take Brendon,” he claims. “I could totally take Brendon.”
Pete looks sceptical. “Dream on, Ross,” he says and turns his attention to Spencer. He lets out a low whistle. “Niiiiiiice,” he winks. “Sure you don’t want to marry me instead, Spence? It’s a match made in heaven. Imagine spending the rest of your life as Spence Wentz.”
Spencer laughs, and pretends to give Pete a considering look. “Tempting,” he says, and Pete laughs his loud, honking laugh.
“Ryan said you’re going to go to Palm Springs for your honeymoon? Cos, you know, I’d take you to Palm Springs whenever you wanted.” There’s something about the waggle in his eyebrows, the smirk in his voice, that lets Spencer know that to Pete, at least, Palm Springs isn’t just a nice place to vacation.
“That’s the plan,” Spencer says, giving Pete a regretful smile. “And, really, it’d be hard to change the names on the bookings so I think I’m going to have to pass. Thanks though.”
Pete laughs and claps him on the back and Spencer wonders if it’s weird that he’s not the only one pretending this is all okay, acting like Brendon is just in the next room instead of potentially miles and miles way.
“I just came up to tell you everyone’s pretty much here. They’re taking their seats outside, and the caterers say they’re ready for as soon as the ceremony is over.”
Spencer gives Pete a grateful smile. “Thanks,” he says. “For everything, Pete. This is really nice of you, letting us use your place.”
Pete shrugs. “Yeah, well, you know Ashlee and Patrick are total softies when it comes to romance. I couldn’t have said no.”
Ryan rolls his eyes. “Oh, yeah, they’re the sappy romantics,” he snorts.
“I have no idea what you’re implying, Ross,” Pete says, mock sternly, and then nudges Ryan with his elbow.
“You guys should come down whenever you’re ready,” he adds.
“Is he-”
Pete gives Spencer a carefully blank look and shakes his head. “Not that I’ve seen. Doesn’t mean he’s not here though. I’ve been, uh, otherwise engaged for the past hour.”
Ryan wrinkles his nose, and Pete laughs. It’s contagious and it makes Spencer smile. He’s not sure he’ll be able to laugh until Brendon arrives and the relief washes away the tension all through his body.
Pete leaves them alone and Ryan turns Spencer to face him, placing his hands on Spencer’s shoulders.
“No matter what,” he says, “know that we love you. All of us. And we’re right there beside you.”
Spencer wants to tell Ryan that it’s going to be okay, that he appreciates the support but doesn’t need it because Brendon is going to be there. But the doubt catches on his tongue and he can’t speak. So he just nods, and then pulls Ryan into an awkwardly bony hug that makes him certain that Ryan actually has 5 elbows.
“Ready?” Ryan says, when they let each other go.
Spencer glances in the mirror, shakes his hair down enough to hide behind if he has to, and nods.
“Yes,” he says, and means it. He just hopes Brendon is ready too.
~~~
Spencer stands off to the side, watching the gathered people while he can. His family are here- he can see his sisters’ heads bending in towards each other as they make eyes at a thankfully oblivious Travis. Spencer’s mom is wearing the outfit she’d told him about, all those months ago when he’d first broken the news to her.
She’s sitting next to Brendon’s mom, and for a brief, selfless moment Spencer hopes Brendon turns up to at least see the support of his family, how many of them came, how at ease they feel in this gathering of people who lead such different lives than they do. How they’re there for the love of Brendon.
Spencer knows Ryan’s going to call him a little girl when he catches Spencer thinking this way, but Spencer can’t quite get past how this whole day is about love. The love of their families and the love of their friends, all of them who could make it. Spencer casts his gaze about, resting it for a moment on where Jon and Tom and Eric are huddled together, talking animatedly about something.
He moves his gaze on to where Deleon is frowning at Cash and nudging him repeatedly. Spencer’s sure if he watches long enough Cash will snap and punch Deleon in the arm and then spend the rest of the day trying to get a pouty Deleon to smile at him again. Then he rests his gaze for a moment on Greta and Gabe smiling at each other across the people sitting between them, before looking over at where Ashlee and Patrick are sitting together. Bronx is on Patrick’s knee, and Ashlee is helping him wave at Pete.
Who is standing at the end of the aisle. Which is less of an aisle and more of a strip of stone paving making up part of Pete’s patio, with a small platform placed at one end. That’s where Pete’s standing, looking around at the people gathered on the white plastic chairs in the afternoon sun. Ryan is standing there beside him, exchanging what Spencer recognises as worried glances at Zack who, Spencer is pleased to see, isn’t dressed up like many of the guests are. He’s still rocking his camo shorts and black shirt and Spencer’s glad he’s there, even if it means he’s not off wrangling Brendon to bring him here.
Before Spencer is done people watching, before he’s done avoiding the nervous flutter of his stomach, the way his palms sweat, the way he feels a little light headed, Ryan hurries towards him.
“There’s still no word,” he says. “Pete said I should ask what you wanted to do.”
“He’ll come,” Spencer tells him, but he can hear his own voice waver with uncertainty. He’d almost laughed when Ryan had mentioned it being like a RomCom. Because even though movies like that were so far detached from reality, they gave strength to the hope Spencer’s been carrying around with him since Brendon left. Because it’s always down to the wire in movies. It’s always just at the very last second that the hero rushes in and saves the day. Spencer’s hardly a damsel in distress but there’s still a part of him hoping Brendon’s going to burst through the door, stride up the aisle and tip Spencer back in his arms to kiss him soundly.
Ryan stares at Spencer, and Spencer worries he’s said that out loud, but Ryan merely nods and lopes back to Pete. He watches them get into a heated debate and Spencer realises that Ryan may be wanting Pete to call this whole thing off before it can even start. Spencer doesn’t want that. He doesn’t need that. He needs this event to happen, and for Brendon to come through the door and say the vows they’d thought they’d said. Vows they’d found themselves believing in, following.
Ryan glances back towards Spencer and Pete shakes his head and then Spencer is moving, down the aisle, ignoring the way everyone turns to watch him hurry past. There’s a quiet murmur through the gathered people as he climbs up beside Ryan and Pete and says to Ryan, “stop trying to make me cancel.”
Ryan gives Spencer a hurt look. “I was trying to tell Pete we needed to wait longer,” he explains and Spencer looks over at Pete, who nods.
“I get what you’re doing,” Pete says. “I really do. But he’s not here.”
“Sorry,” Spencer says to Ryan, who looks mollified. Then he turns to Pete. “Just a little longer,” he pleads. “I need to give him the chance. This is important. I…I need to know if he can be there for me.”
Pete bows his head a little, then reaches out and clasps Spencer’s arm. “He’s an idiot if he misses this,” he says, and Spencer nods.
“Oh, I know,” he replies, and Pete smiles, a little sadly.
“You sure?” Ryan asks, reaching out and touching Spencer’s sleeve.
Spencer nods. “The invite said 2 o’clock,” he says, looking at his watch. It’s 2.03 but Brendon’s never been one to run on time. “Maybe he just needs a little more time.”
He sees Ryan and Pete exchange a glance out of the corner of his eye, but he chooses to ignore it.
Spencer feels awkward, suddenly, standing up there in front of Pete, Ryan beside him, and all eyes boring into the back of his skull. There’s a hundred reasons Spencer enjoys drumming, but one of them is the lack of focus, how he’s behind the others, giving them the support, the beat, they need without being the centre of attention.
Brendon, Spencer thinks, would love being up there. For a moment he thinks about what it would be like if it was the other way around, if it were Brendon waiting on Spencer to show up, but it doesn’t make sense in Spencer’s head. He’d never leave Brendon hanging like this.
Time stretches out forever and ever. Minutes seem like years and with every noise, every movement, Spencer has to look up, has to see if it’s Brendon. Every time he sees it isn’t, it’s like a knife to the heart. And still time drags on.
Spencer doesn’t look directly at anyone, but he can hear the quiet murmur when realisation hits them all.
Brendon’s not coming.
Spencer stares at the perfectly cracked stones on Pete’s patio. The sun is too bright suddenly, and everything is bathed in a sickly yellow glow. He can hear people whispering and then there’s a roar in his ears that only goes away when he hears Zack yelling.
“Okay, okay, everyone inside,” he’s saying firmly. “Don’t look at me like that, get inside. Yes, you too. And you. Especially you,” he adds. “Stop being creepy.”
Spencer wonders who he’s talking to, who still wants to see Spencer standing there alone and abandoned. He can’t bring himself to look up though, keeps his eyes tracing the lines in the stone at his feet, until he feels a hand on his shoulder.
“Spence?”
Spencer looks up into Ryan’s concerned eyes. He doesn’t say anything, just looks around at the people Ryan’s let stay. Pete’s still standing in front of him, sunglasses pushed up and squinting into the sunlight so he can stare at Spencer sympathetically. Shane and Jon and Zack are there too, and even though Spencer hates it, hates why they’re watching him, he appreciates it all the same.
“So I guess he’s not coming,” Spencer says, turning around and sinking down onto the ground. He crosses his feet under himself and hunches forward a little to pick at his shoelace.
“I really thought he would,” he says, looking up at the guys.
They all nod. “Me too,” Ryan says. Spencer sees him exchange a look with Jon who sighs when he notices Spencer looking at him.
“I’m so sorry, Spence,” he says for the hundredth time. “I really-”
“It’s fine,” Spencer says, and means it. “This isn’t your fault.”
“No,” Ryan agrees. “It’s Brendon’s.”
Spencer shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s his either. This whole thing…maybe I wanted it too much, you know?”
No one says anything and Spencer looks down at his hands. He doesn’t like how empty they look. His hand feels weird and off balance without the ring on his finger.
It hits him then, hits him like a house falling on him, hits him like his heart falling out of his chest and shattering on the ground at his feet.
Brendon isn’t going to turn up. Brendon was never going to turn up and Spencer had allowed himself to hope. It makes the hurt worse, if that’s even possible.
Spencer aches. Nothing’s ever felt like this before, for him. He’s never felt this alone, this empty, this numb.
“Spencer?” someone says, but Spencer doesn’t look up. All he knows is it’s not Brendon’s voice, it’s not the voice he wanted to hear, was expecting to hear.
He’d thought it was pretty awful, back when he was in love with Brendon and hadn’t know that Brendon felt the same. That had been a dull ache that he’d been able to ignore sometimes, but it had never truly gone away, not until Brendon had said ‘I love you’ and everything had become as close to perfect as Spencer figured he’d ever get.
But that feeling had been nothing compared to this one, the dawning possibility that maybe Brendon hadn’t felt the same, or that maybe he had but something had changed, something irreversible and that Brendon didn’t or wouldn’t love him enough to stand up and share with everyone how he felt anymore.
“Spence,” Ryan crouches down in front of him and Spencer lifts his head, meets the eyes of his best friend. They’re sad and sorry and angry too.
Spencer stares at him for a moment, then nods. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “I know. I guess we should all go home.” He winces, thinking of how he’s going to have to move his stuff out of Brendon’s place so that Brendon can have his home to himself, the way he wants. He’ll have to stay with Ryan- he knows without asking that it’ll be okay, but living with Ryan isn’t going to be as good as being in the place he’s thought of as home mostly because of it being where Brendon was.
Spencer glances at the others, at the sympathetic glances they’re giving him. Normally it’d piss him off, but right now he’s grateful for it. He appreciates that they’re there. “Thanks, you guys,” he says and they all nod, apart from Jon who is looking off to the side, frowning a little.
“Be right back,” he says, still frowning. Spencer watches him hurry off towards the pool house down the end of the garden, then looks at Ryan, who shrugs.
Spencer waves his hand towards the house, where all of their friends and family are gathered inside, probably talking in hushed tones about how ridiculous Spencer had looked, alone at the alter, how there had to be something wrong with Spencer for Brendon to not want to show up. “I don’t know what to do about…” he trails off and Zack reaches out and puts his hand on Spencer’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it,” he says, the same look in his eyes he gets when dealing with overzealous teenies. “We’ll take care of it. Ryan’ll take you back to his place, we’ll tell people there’s been some sort of…malfunction, and-”
“Then I’ll find Brendon and kill him,” Ryan breaks in and Spencer laughs hollowly.
He takes the hand Zack offers him and gets pulled to his feet. He’s brushing the dirt off his pants half-heartedly, thinking about the questions he’s going to have to field, at some point, when Jon comes hurrying back from the pool house, looking confused and pissed off.
“This was in the pool house,” he says, voice sounding a little strange. He stops in front of Spencer and holds out a tiny box. A box Spencer recognises instantly.
Spencer opens the box and stares at the ring inside. He figures Brendon must have sent it over, a sign that their relationship really is over. It feels weirdly final, seeing it there nested in velvet and not where it should be, on his hand.
He wants to put it on, one last time, just so he can try and feel the strange sense of security it had given him when Brendon had first slid it onto his finger. But when he takes it out of the box, it almost looks too small. Frowning, Spencer tries to put it on, but it won’t fit.
It’s Brendon’s ring.
A thrill of ‘what if’ runs through him as he stares at it, stuck halfway down his finger. It’s a faint hope, a ridiculous one, to try and read any meaning into its presence. There’s always the chance that Brendon just sent the wrong one but-
“There was just this ring on its own?” Spencer asks. “No note?”
Jon licks his lip carefully and glances over at the pool house. “That was the only ring I saw,” he says. “No note. I wouldn’t say it was on its own though. Since it was given to me to give to you.”
Spencer stares at Jon. “Is he in there?” he asks. He knows his voice is too high, painfully so, but if Brendon is sitting in the pool house, Spencer is going to kill him painfully. As painfully as standing and letting his heart break again in front of all of their friends and family had been.
All of the anger and hurt Spencer has been warring with for the past few weeks pools hot and uncomfortable in his stomach suddenly and he feels ill. He pushes past Pete and heads to the pool house. He can hear Ryan calling after him, but he doesn’t listen, just throws open the door and steps inside.
Brendon is sitting on a chair, turning Spencer’s ring over and over in his fingers. He doesn’t look up when Spencer steps inside.
“Jon, I told you-” he starts to say, but Spencer interrupts.
“I’m not Jon,” he says.
Brendon is spinning the ring in his palm when Spencer speaks and he jumps, dropping the ring on the floor. It rolls towards Spencer, circling at his feet before falling still in front of him.
Spencer bends down and picks it up. He holds one ring in each hand.
“Lost something?” he asks, holding them out. There’s not much difference between them. Spencer’s is a tiny bit bigger, not noticeable unless you’re looking for it.
Brendon gets up and walks towards him. He stops just out of arms reach and considers for a moment. Then he takes Spencer’s ring, the one he’d been playing with, and slides it onto his own hand, curling his hand into a fist around it.
“Sure that’s the right one?” Spencer asks. He knows he sounds pissy and Brendon gives him a surprised look.
“I’m sure,” he says. “Spence, I-”
“How long have you been in here?” Spencer demands. “Because it’s got to be hours. You must’ve been here when they were setting up. When the guests filed in. When I went and stood out there and waited for you and you never showed up. Did you see all that? Were you watching?”
“No,” Brendon says, and Spencer gives him a disbelieving look. “Really,” Brendon stresses. “I just looked out the window a few minutes ago, that’s all. And I saw you there, on the ground. And all the chairs were empty and just. Fuck. I’m sorry, Spence. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for...” he trails off, and Spencer can see swallow hard.
“Before that,” Brendon continues. “Before, I was sitting here and thinking. About what I want.”
“And what’s that, Brendon? What do you want?” Spencer can feel his anger thawing a little from the apology and he hates himself a little, in that moment, for feeling himself start to give in and let the anger melt away. He wishes he could hate Brendon, but he can’t.
“To go back in time,” Brendon replies and Spencer deflates.
“You wish we’d never woken up in that motel bed,” he says. It’s not a question, but Brendon shakes his head.
“What? No! I wish I’d never walked out on you.”
Spencer gives him a sceptical look. “That’s not what you said before,” he points out and Brendon runs his hand through his hair and half turns away.
“I was wrong,” he says, not looking at Spencer. “And scared. Because this has always been real to me, from before that morning in the motel until after you told me it had all been a joke. But I wasn’t sure if it was to you. I wasn’t sure if you were going to look at finding out we weren’t married as a way out.”
“Brendon,” Spencer says, frustrated, and Brendon looks at him.
“I know, okay? I know I fucked up.”
“This is real to me too,” Spencer insists. “Do you think I would have stood up there, by myself, and waited for you, if it wasn’t real? Do you think I like putting myself in positions where my heart is going to be ripped from my chest? Do you really think I enjoy that at all?”
Brendon opens his mouth to reply but it’s all spilling out of Spencer now, making his eyes prickle with wet heat.
“Do you know what it was like, to find out that it had been a joke? Do you know how sick it made me feel? But I knew it would be okay because I would find a way to tell you and you would laugh and tell me that it didn’t matter. That’s how I got over it, that’s how I took the news so calmly. Because I knew it wouldn’t matter. But I was wrong.”
“Spence-”
Spencer shakes his head. “No, listen. Fuck, just listen for a change. And then you can do exactly what you did before and walk out that door and leave me again. And even when you did that, I still had faith that you would come back, that you would show up here today and one day we would be able to laugh about this. I kept planning this thing because I had to, Brendon. I had to focus on the idea of everything working out okay in the end because otherwise I don’t think I would have been able to get out of bed in the morning.”
Brendon looks stricken, like Spencer has just slapped him, and there’s a part of Spencer that wants to, wants to make Brendon feel even a tiny fraction of the pain he’s feeling. “I didn’t think you-”
“What?” Spencer demands. “You didn’t think I’d care? That it would bother me? You didn’t think that I would believe in you, in us, enough to allow myself to hope? Because I did. And I just don’t know what I can say to you anymore, I don’t know what I can say to make you want me again.”
Spencer stops talking and looks away from Brendon, grimacing a little at how exposed he suddenly feels, saying those words to Brendon. It’s not how he’s used to feeling with him, and it scares him how wrong it feels, is maybe always going to feel, to talk to Brendon about anything meaningful ever again.
When he glances over, Brendon is looking heartbroken, and Spencer feels a vicious stab of satisfaction at causing Brendon to hurt. He doesn’t say anything, and Spencer doesn’t expect him to, so he sighs and turns towards the door.
“I’ll see you when the album drops,” he says, and he’s about to step outside when a hand grabs his wrists and tugs him around.
“Spencer,” Brendon says, and pushes Spencer until his back is against the door. He crowds up against him and kisses him, tentatively at first, and then harder, more desperate, when Spencer automatically opens his mouth.
Spencer kisses back angrily, grasping onto Brendon’s arm tight enough that he thinks it’ll probably leave bruises. He doesn’t care. Brendon’s grip on his wrist tightens too, as if holding Spencer in place, stopping him from escaping, as they kiss messily, teeth bashing against each other until Spencer turns his face away. It leaves Brendon panting against Spencer’s neck for a moment, then he lifts his face up, tries to catch Spencer’s mouth with his own again, but Spencer tightens his jaw and doesn’t look at Brendon.
“Spence, please,” Brendon says. “I need…I want…fuck, I want you Spencer. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Let me…please.” His voice cracks and his breath shudders like he’s crying, and it makes Spencer’s heart ache. He doesn’t want Brendon to cry, doesn’t want him to hurt, not ever, not even to punish him for this whole fucked up situation.
Spencer closes his eyes, so he can’t see Brendon’s tears. He’s pretty sure that’d break him more than the embarrassment of being left at the altar, than the loneliness he’d felt when Brendon had walked out, than the realisation that Brendon wasn’t going to come back. He keeps his eyes closed and turns back and Brendon kisses him again.
Spencer lets go of Brendon’s arm and lifts his hand to Brendon’s face, cupping his cheek as they kiss. It takes a moment for Spencer to feel the tension leave Brendon, for him to relax, to mould his body against Spencer’s. He lets go of Spencer’s wrist finally, and slides his hand to Spencer’s waist, gripping a handful of shirt instead.
Brendon makes a happy noise in the back of his throat and mutters, “thank you,” against Spencer’s mouth, but Spencer doesn’t want to hear that, so he just kisses Brendon harder, thinking about how much he’s missed this, how right this has always felt and still does.
They kiss until they run out of air and when Brendon leans back his lips are red and the tears Spencer had been able to taste as they’d kissed are dry.
They look at each other for a long moment, and Spencer wants to reach out and pull Brendon against him again, but he can’t.
“What changed your mind?” Spencer asks softly. Part of him wants to stop demanding answers, to just accept that Brendon is there, that he wants Spencer. But Spencer’s pretty sure he deserves as decent an explanation as Brendon can offer.
Brendon hesitates, then nods and walks a few paces away. He wraps his arms across his chest and doesn’t meet Spencer’s eyes.
“I let myself dream again,” Brendon explains. “I let myself plan my future and this time I didn’t like what I saw.”
Spencer thinks about what Brendon had said, about picturing them growing old together. He doesn’t know how Brendon could change his mind that easily, and he opens his mouth to say something, hurt staining his cheeks red.
Brendon seems to know what he’s going to say. “No. Oh, no. No Spence. I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean I didn’t want everything I told you. This time what I dreamt was different. This time it was a future without you.”
Spencer shakes his head. “Brendon, don’t be stupid. I’m always going to be there in your future.” He means it too, no matter what happens between them here and now. Or in the future. Brendon was his friend first, before they let deeper emotions take over and Spencer is almost prepared for losing Brendon as a lover, but he refuses to lose him as a friend.
“Maybe I wouldn’t want you in my future,” Brendon says, and it’s like a slap in the face. Spencer’s confused- it feels like he’s constantly taking one step forward and two back when it comes to Brendon lately- but Brendon rushes on. “Not like that. Because I don’t think I could stand to see you being happy without me.”
Spencer stares at him.
“It’s selfish,” Brendon says. “I know. But I thought about what would happen. How we’d get past this somehow. How you’d get over me and fall in love with someone else. How you’d marry them and have a life with them, maybe the exact same life I pictured us having together. And I wouldn’t have been able to stand it. It would have eaten me up and hollowed me out and I’d lose you that way too. And I don’t want to lose you Spencer. I want the dream I had before. That’s the dream I want. I’m just scared.”
There’s a long pause. “Say something,” Brendon pleads, and Spencer can think of a thousand things he wants to say. But all that comes out is, “I’d never get over you.”
A hopeful smile spreads across Brendon’s face. “Really?” he says, and Spencer should nod, wants to, but he doesn’t want to give in this easily. He’s not sure Brendon deserves that yet, so he just meets Brendon’s gaze evenly until Brendon nods and moves over to where he’d been sitting before.
“You’re not scared of this at all, are you?” he asks and Spencer frowns.
“Of losing you?” Spencer asks. “Because, fuck, I’ve never been more scared of anything in my life.”
Brendon looks at him, that hopeful smile still playing at the corners of his lips. “I meant us getting married. Spending our lives together.”
Spencer shakes his head. “How can I be scared of something that feels right?” he asks, moving to sit on a chair across from Brendon.
Brendon nods once and bites his lip. “I’m scared,” he says again. “I’m scared of how easy it was to believe we were married, how easy it was not to question it. I’m scared of how easy it was to move in together, to share a bed and our lives and to love you and be loved back.”
Spencer frowns and opens his mouth, but Brendon holds up a hand to silence him. “I’m scared of how easy it was to fall into all of that, compared to how hard it is going to be to start again. I’m scared it’s not going to be as easy this time, when we’re doing it for real, as it was when it wasn’t.”
Spencer nods. “It’s not going to be easy,” he agrees. “Especially now.” He can’t help the reproachful look he shoots in Brendon’s direction and Brendon grimaces but nods.
“You’re going to make me pay for this for the rest of our lives, aren’t you?”
Spencer huffs a laugh and half smiles. “Not really my style,” he says. “Just don’t do it again? Please?”
Brendon nods, then his face lights up. “Does that mean you forgive me? That we can move forward, together?”
Spencer presses his lips together to stop the smile that threatens to break across his face. He watches Brendon’s face, sees how hopeful it is, how he’s leaning forward, awaiting Spencer’s response. There’s only one thing Spencer can say, one answer he can give. It’s always been that way, he knows, because it’s always been Brendon and he’d forgive him anything, give him anything, if it meant they could be together.
Spencer meets Brendon’s eyes. “You’re a dick,” he says, but he’s grinning and then Brendon is out of his chair and straddling Spencer’s lap, kissing him with his thumbs brushing along Spencer’s jaw.
“Yeah?” Brendon asks, when he breaks the kiss and Spencer looks up at Brendon and gives him a look that he hopes holds all of the ‘you’re a complete idiot’ message he’s trying to send when he nods.
“Yeah,” he says. “Of course, yeah.”
Brendon kisses him again, and Spencer can feel how his lips are curved into a smile.
“I’ll make it up to you,” Brendon says. Spencer opens his mouth to tell Brendon he doesn’t have to, that the fact he’s here now and that he loves him is enough, but he closes it without saying anything. He figures it won’t hurt to have Brendon fawning over him for a couple of days, just for fun.
Brendon starts to get up and Spencer puts his hands on Brendon’s hips and holds him in place. The movement makes Brendon smile and he rests his forehead against Spencer’s for a moment.
“I’m sorry about all that,” he says, motioning outside. “I’ll go in and tell everyone I got a flat tyre or something. I don’t know. I’ll think of something believable. And we’ll do this again, right? I mean we could-” he stops talking and looks towards the window, and then back at Spencer.
“Pete’s ordained, right?” he asks, sounding excited. “I mean, he could marry us right here and now.”
Spencer frowns. “We don’t have a marriage license,” he points out. “I figured if today had gone as planned we’d go down and get one tomorrow or something, that it would just be a formality.”
Brendon nods, bouncing a little. “Then that’s what we’ll do. Right now. We’ll go out there and do exactly that.”
Spencer shakes his head. “Don’t you think it’s best if we take things slow this time? I’d be crazy to rush into getting married and starting all over again.”
“Crazier than getting drunk and married in Vegas, like we thought we did last time?” Brendon points out and Spencer sighs.
“I can’t go in there and bring everyone back outside,” he says. “Don’t ask me to do that.”
Brendon shakes his head. “Just us,” he says. “That’s all I want there. Just us. Us, and Pete and the others. No one else. That’s the way it should be.”
Spencer tips his head to the side and looks at Brendon. “I don’t know…” he says and Brendon leans forwards, resting a hand over Spencer’s heart.
“I love you,” he says. “And I want to marry you. Now. Today. But if you don’t love me enough to do that, or if you’re too chicken, well, then…”
“Fuck you,” Spencer says, rolling his eyes. “Calling me a coward isn’t going to make me do what you want. I’m not Marty McFly.”
Brendon pouts, and Spencer raises an eyebrow.
“Okay,” Brendon says, climbing off Spencer’s lap. “Okay. Then how about this. Marry me, Spencer Smith, and make me the happiest guy on earth. Again.”
It’s corny, but Brendon looks so earnest that Spencer reaches out to take the hand Brendon has extended towards him. Spencer’s ring is still loose on Brendon’s finger and the feel of the warmed metal against his palm feels good.
“Okay,” Spencer says, and stands up, closing the distance between them.
“Thank you,” Brendon says, and Spencer leans down to press his lips, gently, to Brendon’s. Then he straightens up.
“Now?” he gestures towards the door. “Are you sure?”
Brendon nods, grinning. “Never been more sure,” he says, and opens the door, standing aside to let Spencer out first.
The others are sitting around on the white plastic chairs, talking in low voices, but they stop talking and look up as Brendon and Spencer approach. Spencer can see Jon and Ryan exchange a worried look, and he keeps his eyes on them as he reaches out towards Brendon. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Brendon look down between them and grin, taking Spencer’s hand in his own. They’re still wearing each others rings, and they clink together as their hands collide.
Jon is grinning, and when he looks at them, Spencer sees Pete and Shane and Zack are too. Ryan’s face is carefully blank, eyes trained on Spencer’s face until Spencer meets his eyes and nods, just once. Then Ryan smiles.
No one says anything when Brendon and Spencer reach them and they all just grin at each other for a moment.
“You’re a dick,” Ryan says finally, breaking the silence. He reaches over and thumps Brendon hard in the shoulder.
“Ow!” Brendon exclaims, dropping Spencer’s hand to rub at his arm. “Fuck, that hurt, Ryan.”
Ryan gives Pete a pointed look. “I told you I could take him,” he says.
Pete’s amused look is suddenly obscured by Jon throwing an arm around each of Brendon and Spencer.
“I’m so sorry,” he says quietly. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I’m glad you guys are back together.”
Spencer reaches up to pat Jon’s back and meets Brendon’s hand there.
“It’s okay,” Brendon says, and Spencer can tell he means it. “None of this would have happened if you hadn’t.”
Spencer feels Jon stiffen, and Spencer says quickly, “We mean, thank you. Thank you, Jon.”
“Yeah,” Brendon agrees and Jon makes a relieved noise.
“Good,” he says. “Cos I think Ryan was going to kill me if I’d fucked things up with the band.”
“Hey!” Ryan protests. “I was not more concerned about the band than about my friends.”
Jon, Brendon and Spencer exchange mock-sceptical looks and Ryan makes an annoyed noise.
Spencer takes pity on him and turns to Pete. “We were wondering if you were still up for marrying us.”
“Right now?” Pete asks. “Because the answer is fuck yes. Let’s get you two married.”
“I’ll go and bring everyone back outside,” Zack says, getting to his feet, but Brendon reaches over and stops him with a hand to his arm.
“Don’t,” he says. “We just want it to be us. And the people who matter most.”
Spencer sees Shane duck his head and grin, sees Jon nod happily, sees Ryan’s sulk melt away.
“Shit, I think you’ve made Zack tear up,” Spencer says, nudging Brendon.
“Fuck off,” Zack says, half turning away to wipe at his eyes with the back of his hand. “It’s just my hay fever.”
Brendon grins at Spencer and goes to give Zack a quick hug.
Pete climbs back onto the platform and claps his hands once, rubbing them together. “Right, positions people.”
Spencer offers Brendon his hand as he steps up in front of Pete. He can feel Ryan’s presence beside him, can see Jon and Zack on the other side of Brendon.
“Ready?” Pete asks, and Spencer laughs, hard, because he’s been ready all day, maybe for the last six months, maybe before then.
“Yes,” he says, and squeezes Brendon’s hand.
Pete nods and starts to speak. Even though there’s hardly anyone to hear, Pete talks to them about love, about friendship, about finding each other and holding on, no matter what. Then he turns to Spencer.
“I, Spencer James Smith,” he begins, trying to remain solemn but unable to fight against the grin across his face.
Spencer repeats Pete’s words without even hearing them. He can’t stop looking at Brendon, who is looking back with nothing but love in his eyes. Later he’ll have to check the video Shane took to see what random and potentially worrying promises Pete’s throwing in, but Spencer’s sure he’d have promised them anyway. He’d promise Brendon just about anything, even despite all of the heartache.
He pays attention when it’s Brendon’s turn to answer though. Hearing Brendon say the words, promising to cherish and love and honour makes Spencer’s heart thump loudly in his chest with excitement and returned sentiment.
“I promise to not be a complete idiotic douche bag again,” Pete says, and Spencer cuts his eyes towards Pete, who shrugs and looks at Brendon expectantly. Spencer looks too and Brendon is laughing softly.
“I definitely promise to not be a complete idiotic douche bag like that again,” he repeats solemnly and holds Spencer’s hand a little tighter, echoing the rest of the vows Pete recites.
They exchange rings, Brendon’s getting stuck for a moment on Spencer’s finger as he tries to tug it off. It makes Brendon giggle, and they’re both chuckling, hands steady and sure as they slide the correct rings onto each others hands.
“You guys can make out now,” Pete finishes and Spencer is laughing when he leans in and kisses Brendon soundly. He can hear the others clapping and hollering and Brendon is laughing too when they move apart.
“You’re married,” Pete announces. “Congratulations.”
Spencer gives Brendon a ridiculous grin, then looks around at the others. “Thanks,” he says, and they all stand there for a moment before Brendon looks at Spencer.
“I guess we should go inside and join the party?”
“How’re we going to explain to everyone?” Spencer asks and Brendon pulls a face.
“How about we send Ryan in their first to explain in flowery words and metaphors and shit, and by the time we sneak in, their eyes will either be glazed over, or they’ll be so relieved to hear someone speaking like a real person they’ll accept our simple answer and move on.”
“Fuck you!” Ryan says. Spencer suspects that Ryan’s going to be pissy at Brendon for a little while longer, is going to bitch at him for no reason whenever he can.
“We’ll think of something,” Brendon says, leading Spencer by the hand towards the house, the others trailing behind. “I’ll think of something. I’ll explain it somehow.”
“Why don’t we tell everyone that it was an elaborate joke to fuck with Cash and Ian’s heads?” Jon suggests. “We can say that you wanted them to think something stupid they’d done had fucked up their friends chances of happiness and that making them sit there, thinking they’d ruined everything, was really good revenge.”
Spencer looks back and gives Jon a soft smile. “Jon, you didn’t ruin anything,” he says, and Jon smiles and nods.
“I know that now,” he says. “But Cash and Ian don’t. So. You know. Fucking with them is kinda funny.”
Spencer raises an eyebrow at Brendon who grins evilly. “I like it,” he says, then stops and stares at Spencer, smile sliding off his face and being replaced by a look of horror.
“What?” Spencer demands. “What’s wrong?” His hand is on the door handle, about to push it open.
“Even if we’re saying it was a joke, my mom is going to kill me,” Brendon says woefully. “She was really excited about this. Now she’ll think she’s missed me getting married twice. She is going to kill me dead.”
Spencer pushes the door open.
“Probably,” Spencer says cheerfully, as the room falls silent. Brendon gives everyone a sheepish look, the one that he uses to get away with things, and holds up their joined hands, rings flashing in the sunlight streaming in through the windows.
“I’ll protect you though,” he adds, and Brendon gives him a bright, perfect smile.
“Thank god for those vows,” he jokes but Spencer doesn’t laugh.
“Yeah,” he says, nodding seriously, and leans down and kisses Brendon quickly before pulling him by the hand, over the threshold.