I miss my old self sometimes...
I miss taking photographs: capturing the moment, perfecting the image, and contemplating the feedback. I miss wanting to ride my bicycle, and the plethora of positive effects several hundred miles of riding every week has on the body and soul. I miss my old radical politics and idealism. I miss my tiny handwriting. I miss feeling the sort of hopeless and all-consuming love I felt for KW and the faith and naivety that allowed it to be experienced. I miss punk rock shows and raves and never knowing where the night might take me. I miss being surprised by a woman wanting me and winding up making out all like crazy for hours on end and spending the night in the back of my car with her. I miss spending all night at Denny's drinking free coffee with a gaggle of random odd people and a girl I crushed over and was too afraid to approach. I miss the wild and visceral sex I had in college. I miss that breathtaking, heart pounding, passionate energy I had about every moment, every feeling I experienced... and that comfort in "knowing" the future held better things for someone as good and wonderful as Jim Hatch. I miss not knowing that I'm really not the "good person" I always thought I was... I've become a bitter, ugly, and evil doppelganger of who I was once and thought I would grow to be.
Whoa.
I never know what will be written, only that it's time to write. I think I'll go have a cigarette to gather my remaining thoughts...
...Today is another day like so many days before it that seemingly mean absolutely nothing, though I sense a very drastic, dramatic, and imminent event. Wishful thinking, I suppose... my feeling will mostly manifest itself in nothing, or worse... in a DUI or something likewise embarrassing or destructive. I suppose there are numerous positive points in my present and future: I've become more likable a person than I ever was... never offending or upsetting anyone, dependable to the extreme and polite and non-offensive to a fault (read: boring). This saves me the criticism and confrontation I so fear. I have a home and a very supportive partner and many nice things. I have finally landed and started the previously referenced wine-bar job that will nourish and develop my interest and expertise in wine, and ultimately help me to become a sommelier, which I hope will bring me satisfaction and success in my career. Lastly, I have a desire and an intent to return to my cycling fanaticism that will hopefully be acted upon in the near future and will inject some energy and passion into my experience.
That's all I guess.
Whoa.
I never know what will be written, only that it's time to write. I think I'll go have a cigarette to gather my remaining thoughts...
...Today is another day like so many days before it that seemingly mean absolutely nothing, though I sense a very drastic, dramatic, and imminent event. Wishful thinking, I suppose... my feeling will mostly manifest itself in nothing, or worse... in a DUI or something likewise embarrassing or destructive. I suppose there are numerous positive points in my present and future: I've become more likable a person than I ever was... never offending or upsetting anyone, dependable to the extreme and polite and non-offensive to a fault (read: boring). This saves me the criticism and confrontation I so fear. I have a home and a very supportive partner and many nice things. I have finally landed and started the previously referenced wine-bar job that will nourish and develop my interest and expertise in wine, and ultimately help me to become a sommelier, which I hope will bring me satisfaction and success in my career. Lastly, I have a desire and an intent to return to my cycling fanaticism that will hopefully be acted upon in the near future and will inject some energy and passion into my experience.
That's all I guess.