Confused
I don't know anymore. Life doesn't even seem worth living. What is the point? Most of my friends share no interests with me. I have no soul mate or any sort of love life. I constantly find myself pondering about suicide. Life is just boring. No one really cares about me and even if some one does, I'm sure they'd get over it after time. I doubt anyone really gives a crap about me. They just want to believe they do. So they have someone to talk to or call when they're bored. My mom is right... I don't know the meaning of friendship. I guess I'm just not supposed to. I don't like people. It's not that I like being lonely. I want more than anything to have just one person that could understand me. BUt I know no one will ever completely understand anyone. And I don't understand me so I don't know who the hell will. I'm not nice or funny or friendly or anything. I don't even understand what anyone one of my friends see in me. My life just over all sucks. There's too much friggin drama in the world. None of it even happens to me but I am so sick of hearing about everyone elses. I am so confused on what to do with my own life. I kind of just want to basically become a hippie. But on the other hand I kind of want to do something with my life. What the hell would I end up doing though. I have no real hobbies. And what hobbies I do have, I'm not very good at. But no matter which one I choose, in the end I'm still going to die. After time everyone just becomes a memory. People say that it is selfish to commit suicide. But how is it selfish if that is the only thing that person ever did for themselves? Course... I'll probably always find some reason for living so I'll never end up doing it. That or I'll be like 40 when I decide it's the right time. right now though... I just don't know. I don't have really anything to live for. A family that hates me, friends that i don't get to see and when I do... I don't know.. I'm just never really happy. Maybe this whole time... Becoming friends with people, sharing laughs and all things that should matter to someone just isn't enough for me. I try to pretend I'm happy but I never really am. Sometimes I think I was born just to make people unhappy. I don't know.. Sometimes I find myself arguing with people just for kicks. I get people all frustrated by rambling nonsense so they are just as confused about shit as I am. It's wrong I know but sometimes I think it's the only way to put people in my shoes for a while. And then while I am sitting there giggling about how confused they are, I realize that that must be how everyone else is toward me. Just laying back laughing at how confused I am about life. I don't really know any better way to explain it to anyone else who is reading this but it is my journal so all that matters is that I can look back and know what I mean.