(no subject)
wow october is almost over....seems like time passes so quickly but when the day is happening it seems slow and unending. I spend most of my days wishing they would hurry...wishing the month would end...
I;m such a glutton for punishment sometimes, i re read some old entries from 2009..2007...jeez
When i look back, all i can feel is pity for myself. I realized the person I am now is nothing like that person that i was. And the changing happend sometime when i don't remember of course. I only know it was quick..and that quickness I am grateful for, because it was probably out of sheer survival.
That person back then needed to change faster. Then maybe some of the pain..some of the medication wouldn't have been very nessesary. I don't really like fucking talking about being on medication, it makes me feel outcasted and not incontrol of myself. Since the 6th fucking grade i was put on medication for depression...clinical depression...bipolar..manic depressive state depression....WTF people you couldn't get the dianoses straight or what?? you docs and pcychiatrist wanted extra money or what?
zoloft
paxil
risperadal
prozac
seroquel
REALLY fuckers? seroquel risperadal....i feel pissed...
I was alone...12,13,14,15...taking care of my brother...
If it weren't for friends i'm pretty fucking sure i would have never had made it to the age I am today. thank you holly...thank you michelle..thank you lanay...
God So many years spent so unhappy..so miserable..except around friends..because we were all a little fucked up, but i even didn't feel comfortable talking to them about this kinda stuff...they saw little ugly blips of family life...
i feel kinda angry sometimes that the docs were so quick to just drug me up...i prolly just needed somebody to talk to...
I hate thinking about all this...
That one christmas eve day spent at my mom's bf's house with all his drunk dumb family.....me and cody just sitting on the couch together..like WTH...we just talked and watched tv ...occassionally somebody would come over and say hi....
She was to drunk to go home, and i told her i would drive but it had snowed..remember 2005? so me and cody ended up sleeping on the floor..then christmas morning we went home and opened presents...
but kinda by then it seemed dumb and ruined...so not even an hour later she wanted to go back over there..and cody and I wanted didn't want to...so she left..and that christmas it was just me and cody..by ourselves
The memory is painfull still..i tear up thinking about it..because i had told cody...your not always going to be mad at her for this..it only hurts now...
it still hurts..but i have long since forgiven her for stuff like that..i had to ...it only eats away at your soul.
jose just called...at the right time to...he couldn't sleep because his brother and kids were keeping him up..
i tried to explain what i was doing...about re reading old entries and getting upset...but he made a joke...about he doesn't want to know about old boyfriends...which sorta hurt my feelings well because i was already emotional...so that just shut me down sorta and i ended up side stepping around what i was really going to tell him in order not to cry.
That is when he made the statement that he thinks I don't open up to people..or i haven't opened up to anybody really.
Never felt comfortable enough...not with anybody. Of course certain buds know things...but as for bfs....no..i have shared the most with jose..and that isn't prolly even the tip of the iceberg..
you keep it in for soo very long..it's almost like it can't come out..
my eye is twitching and i just went and smoked 2 cigarettes..and im trying to quit...
fuck i feel like a failure...now..yesterday i didn;t smoke any...
and it;s not so much a craving for one..or maybe it is..fuck i don't know.
My stomach hurts now.....
I;m such a glutton for punishment sometimes, i re read some old entries from 2009..2007...jeez
When i look back, all i can feel is pity for myself. I realized the person I am now is nothing like that person that i was. And the changing happend sometime when i don't remember of course. I only know it was quick..and that quickness I am grateful for, because it was probably out of sheer survival.
That person back then needed to change faster. Then maybe some of the pain..some of the medication wouldn't have been very nessesary. I don't really like fucking talking about being on medication, it makes me feel outcasted and not incontrol of myself. Since the 6th fucking grade i was put on medication for depression...clinical depression...bipolar..manic depressive state depression....WTF people you couldn't get the dianoses straight or what?? you docs and pcychiatrist wanted extra money or what?
zoloft
paxil
risperadal
prozac
seroquel
REALLY fuckers? seroquel risperadal....i feel pissed...
I was alone...12,13,14,15...taking care of my brother...
If it weren't for friends i'm pretty fucking sure i would have never had made it to the age I am today. thank you holly...thank you michelle..thank you lanay...
God So many years spent so unhappy..so miserable..except around friends..because we were all a little fucked up, but i even didn't feel comfortable talking to them about this kinda stuff...they saw little ugly blips of family life...
i feel kinda angry sometimes that the docs were so quick to just drug me up...i prolly just needed somebody to talk to...
I hate thinking about all this...
That one christmas eve day spent at my mom's bf's house with all his drunk dumb family.....me and cody just sitting on the couch together..like WTH...we just talked and watched tv ...occassionally somebody would come over and say hi....
She was to drunk to go home, and i told her i would drive but it had snowed..remember 2005? so me and cody ended up sleeping on the floor..then christmas morning we went home and opened presents...
but kinda by then it seemed dumb and ruined...so not even an hour later she wanted to go back over there..and cody and I wanted didn't want to...so she left..and that christmas it was just me and cody..by ourselves
The memory is painfull still..i tear up thinking about it..because i had told cody...your not always going to be mad at her for this..it only hurts now...
it still hurts..but i have long since forgiven her for stuff like that..i had to ...it only eats away at your soul.
jose just called...at the right time to...he couldn't sleep because his brother and kids were keeping him up..
i tried to explain what i was doing...about re reading old entries and getting upset...but he made a joke...about he doesn't want to know about old boyfriends...which sorta hurt my feelings well because i was already emotional...so that just shut me down sorta and i ended up side stepping around what i was really going to tell him in order not to cry.
That is when he made the statement that he thinks I don't open up to people..or i haven't opened up to anybody really.
Never felt comfortable enough...not with anybody. Of course certain buds know things...but as for bfs....no..i have shared the most with jose..and that isn't prolly even the tip of the iceberg..
you keep it in for soo very long..it's almost like it can't come out..
my eye is twitching and i just went and smoked 2 cigarettes..and im trying to quit...
fuck i feel like a failure...now..yesterday i didn;t smoke any...
and it;s not so much a craving for one..or maybe it is..fuck i don't know.
My stomach hurts now.....