(no subject)
so I have been staring at a computer screem on and off for the last like 6 hours or so, I have been thinking I hate shit right now, all I want to do right now is take a good book and go get in the tub and soak for an hour or so then go to bed and be done with every one and every thing. I havent been this depressed since I was a freshmen. I had a panic attack yesterday and took these new pills to come me and the problem with them is that they dont shut my entire body down like the others did. Right now my body needs to just push the re-set button, I need like 6-10 hours of complete and odder nothingness. The thing I liked about the other pills is that I wouldnt and coudnt move. I wouldnt dream I would just sleep. I would be "high" or "Stoned" if you will for about 10 hours. which I relize is a long time. But apparently thats what my body needs. the last time I took those I took a full pill and was checked out for like one full day and not normal until about the next afternoon. SO thats bad but I took too much that time. This time I got maybe like 4 hours of check out and this morning I woke up again already shaking. I know body well enough to know what it needs and when this shit is coming. Yesterday mornign I got up at 7 for my 8 and showered and got dressed was standing in front of the mirror thinking to myself about shit and then alll of a sudden I got physically ill. I knew then that I was going to have a panic attack. My stomach can't take the stress and it shows signs of wear first. It would be one thing if it was just stress but it is eveything pulling on me on the inside. Normally if you know me at all, you know I "explode" externally when I have Panic attacks. there is usally alot of crying and screaming hyper ventalating, shaking, an over all urge to just explode. If you have never had one its hard to explain but if you have seen one you know what I am talking about. That is a normal panic attack, not pleasant but its easyer to talk me down and get me back to stable alot easyer because you can see it.thats what stage one of panic and anxiety attacks looks like. Well yesterday I moved into entirely new relm of this shit. I was sitting on my bed talking to one of my friends about last november adn what I have to do about it now, and I just started to "implode" Internally my body was ripping me apart, my hands started to shake but I didnt really know what was goin on and my friend doesnt know me well enough to know what was going on hell I didnt know what was going on. My roomate comes in takes one look at me and says Elyse are you haveing a panic attack. I was like I think I am. So we called my work and then handed the pills to me. I took them and layed down and she stayed in the room till I fell asleep, But the problem is I was talking the whole time in my sleep. I never settled never fully checked out. Which my body needed. So I was out of it but not fully. So I asked my roomate how she knew. She said "you have this glazed look on your face and your not moving except to look at your hands. You dont look at me when I talk to you. You were hunched over and when you tried to get up you couldnt hold your self up and then you just ended up in the fetal position. You could see the terror and Panic and fear and uncrolled look on your face." she is an awsome roomate. And honestly I wish she was here. Because I know when there coming and let me tell you there is another one coming. I can feel it. I just can't control this shit anymore I can't do this anymore. I am done