yeah, I said it (trigger warning re: rape/rape culture)
After a friend emailed that he hadn't heard from me in a while, I responded, in part:
"I'm around. I've been doing a little traveling, which probably accounts for being out of pocket, but you'd probably see more of me if you didn't make rape jokes or invite me to animal consumption/torture events. I know, I know, you apologized for the last one, but it's still a trigger."
To which he responds:
"Since I know you're the type of person who doesn't back down from a fight I'll say this - If I say something that pisses you off or seems inconsiderate feel free to call me on it. I respect you and the road you've traveled to get where you are. I'll be the last person to intentionally kick dirt on it.
You don't have to hold back, I can take a punch, to my arm, jaw or ego."
Good start, but off the mark and not enough. I also didn't like the slightly implied "why didn't you say something stronger" bit. So I laid this down (again, trigger warning):
"I appreciate your words and respect; thank you. But, considering the violence done to me, done every day to people everywhere, understand that I won't be punching you in the arm, ever. Lincoln, I am not a special case--just one woman to whom you may perhaps adjust your language. I am the one out of four women raped in their lifetime. I'm in a rather sizable club, actually. Considering how many women you know, I think it's time you think about how painful a rape joke can be to those who remain silent.
There's absolutely nothing funny about rape. It is a horrifying, beyond violating experience that continues to harm long after the crime, and no amount of laughter smooths over the mental and/or physical scars. Those jokes degrade my experience. Those jokes send a message to others that the worst suffering and humiliation of my life is just witty, edgy banter. And that's what rape culture is all about: denying our experience and downplaying its gravity. You can be part of the solution by taking this violence seriously. You can protect me and those like me by not contributing to rape culture. You can even call out a rape joke for what it is: flippant, cruel, thoughtless...
So you'll excuse me if I "hold back" and refrain from punching you in the arm. When a rape joke triggers my memory, I'm thinking of my rapist, the cops, the assistant DA turning down my case because it would't win and there's too many cases like it to handle as is. I'm not angry, I'm traumatized. I'm profoundly sad in moments like that. And while I've done all the crying I ever will about it, I still cry inside."
I think I articulated that well.
"I'm around. I've been doing a little traveling, which probably accounts for being out of pocket, but you'd probably see more of me if you didn't make rape jokes or invite me to animal consumption/torture events. I know, I know, you apologized for the last one, but it's still a trigger."
To which he responds:
"Since I know you're the type of person who doesn't back down from a fight I'll say this - If I say something that pisses you off or seems inconsiderate feel free to call me on it. I respect you and the road you've traveled to get where you are. I'll be the last person to intentionally kick dirt on it.
You don't have to hold back, I can take a punch, to my arm, jaw or ego."
Good start, but off the mark and not enough. I also didn't like the slightly implied "why didn't you say something stronger" bit. So I laid this down (again, trigger warning):
"I appreciate your words and respect; thank you. But, considering the violence done to me, done every day to people everywhere, understand that I won't be punching you in the arm, ever. Lincoln, I am not a special case--just one woman to whom you may perhaps adjust your language. I am the one out of four women raped in their lifetime. I'm in a rather sizable club, actually. Considering how many women you know, I think it's time you think about how painful a rape joke can be to those who remain silent.
There's absolutely nothing funny about rape. It is a horrifying, beyond violating experience that continues to harm long after the crime, and no amount of laughter smooths over the mental and/or physical scars. Those jokes degrade my experience. Those jokes send a message to others that the worst suffering and humiliation of my life is just witty, edgy banter. And that's what rape culture is all about: denying our experience and downplaying its gravity. You can be part of the solution by taking this violence seriously. You can protect me and those like me by not contributing to rape culture. You can even call out a rape joke for what it is: flippant, cruel, thoughtless...
So you'll excuse me if I "hold back" and refrain from punching you in the arm. When a rape joke triggers my memory, I'm thinking of my rapist, the cops, the assistant DA turning down my case because it would't win and there's too many cases like it to handle as is. I'm not angry, I'm traumatized. I'm profoundly sad in moments like that. And while I've done all the crying I ever will about it, I still cry inside."
I think I articulated that well.