breathe in, breathe out
So. It's been a month since S broke up with me because of depression, and we are meeting today for our agreed upon "check up." It's been a month of wide-ranging emotions, to be sure. Shock and sadness were most prevalent, but betrayal was another key player. Things. I feel lots of things... deeply.
We've been in touch through email over the last two weeks, and he's written a few bits that I really needed to read. Note: not say and hear, but write and read. I needed that permanence too. Namely, I needed him to own his actions and realize that his giant, gaping omission about himself denied me an informed decision about being with him (not to mention that he denied himself an informed decision about my character by not seeing how I would accept ALL of him). He did this. I also needed him to apologize for hurting me and fucking with my trust. He did this too. Now there's just one last question I must ask, but I'll write about that later. Some of you already know all about it, but until S and I talk, it's just my crazy head and speculations, and this lj is nutty enough, no?
That was all me. Now let's talk about him... I think he's beating himself up quit a bit, as I have and would too. I would have disappeared and pushed everyone away--I've done that. I've done that in the last five years, in fact. Depression and anxiety bring out all your demons, your little haters, if you will. I don't want to add to them, and it pains me that he thinks so lowly of himself right now; he's a good person, a sweet and gentle being that nature has decided cannot chemically be at peace and happy as is. You know what? If I was in his position, I'd really want someone to be nice to me, to take the time to understand me as best they could, no matter how frightened I was to trust them and let them see me without my armor. Jen did that for me once. That may very well be love. Jen loved me when she called me every day and sent me recipes to gently remind me to eat. We only have one word for it, but it comes in so many different forms. I love his humanity. I love that he's trying.
So that's the agenda today. I just have that one question, but everything else will be patience and generosity and that good ol' Golden Rule.
EDIT: I just checked my phone to see where we are meeting and found this text from S:
"Hi Kate. I am really hung over. Can I please have a rain check??" My response: "Ouch."
Clearly he's not done sabotaging himself. Drinking on antidepressants? Wtf. I'm going to practice some yoga and try not to be angry. Try.
EDIT 2: Ok, we're meeting a little later. Jezus man, he makes this harder than necessary...
We've been in touch through email over the last two weeks, and he's written a few bits that I really needed to read. Note: not say and hear, but write and read. I needed that permanence too. Namely, I needed him to own his actions and realize that his giant, gaping omission about himself denied me an informed decision about being with him (not to mention that he denied himself an informed decision about my character by not seeing how I would accept ALL of him). He did this. I also needed him to apologize for hurting me and fucking with my trust. He did this too. Now there's just one last question I must ask, but I'll write about that later. Some of you already know all about it, but until S and I talk, it's just my crazy head and speculations, and this lj is nutty enough, no?
That was all me. Now let's talk about him... I think he's beating himself up quit a bit, as I have and would too. I would have disappeared and pushed everyone away--I've done that. I've done that in the last five years, in fact. Depression and anxiety bring out all your demons, your little haters, if you will. I don't want to add to them, and it pains me that he thinks so lowly of himself right now; he's a good person, a sweet and gentle being that nature has decided cannot chemically be at peace and happy as is. You know what? If I was in his position, I'd really want someone to be nice to me, to take the time to understand me as best they could, no matter how frightened I was to trust them and let them see me without my armor. Jen did that for me once. That may very well be love. Jen loved me when she called me every day and sent me recipes to gently remind me to eat. We only have one word for it, but it comes in so many different forms. I love his humanity. I love that he's trying.
So that's the agenda today. I just have that one question, but everything else will be patience and generosity and that good ol' Golden Rule.
EDIT: I just checked my phone to see where we are meeting and found this text from S:
"Hi Kate. I am really hung over. Can I please have a rain check??" My response: "Ouch."
Clearly he's not done sabotaging himself. Drinking on antidepressants? Wtf. I'm going to practice some yoga and try not to be angry. Try.
EDIT 2: Ok, we're meeting a little later. Jezus man, he makes this harder than necessary...