I can't believe I shaved my legs for this date
The subject line was the text I sent Celeste right after The Worst Lunch Date Ever on Friday. Let me 'splain...
I had a first date with this guy on Monday in the park. It was fun and lovely, though I didn't see much (if any) longevity in the match, considering he was 25, has an acting bg, and works as a bartender. Still, he seemed a bit mature for his age, and why not go on an adventure? I'll tell you why.
Date two on Friday is off to a lame start due to his 15 minute tardiness. Turns out a door nearly crushed him while he was exiting a building (a bank, I think). Rather than simply leave, he decided to help the only woman there put the door back on its hinges (fail), then talk to her landlord when she said no one was going to come to help and that it was her problem. Now, I like that he was all "gimme the phone, I'll talk to this guy," but what he said next set me off... As he's telling this animated little ditty, he puts his hand by his mouth and stage whispers: "He was a Jew!" then proceeds to imitate the man's Israeli accent. WTF???
So I stop him and ask, "Why are you doing that?"
Our hero declares, "What, it's funny. I think racism is funny."
This is where my eyes get big and you can see the whites all the way around the irises... I reply firmly, "I DO NOT." For good measure, and because I'm a smartass, I add: "Also, that's an ethnicity, not a race."
The kid visibly wilts and refuses to finish his story. Mind you, we are still walking to the restaurant. I should have turned around and gone back to the office, but no...
Lunch is mostly in silence, with a few minor attempts to strike up a conversation (on my part). There's another instance where I voice my opposing opinion (about anorexia, which, btw, is not a dining topic), and again he abruptly ends the conversation. So finally I say, "Look, I'm going to go out on a limb here since I have nothing to lose... I get the impression you don't like being disagreed with." He says something about how he thinks I was being judgmental. It was hard to decipher since he was TALKING with his MOUTH FULL. (More on that in a few.) I say that no, I am not, but even if I was judging him, who cares! I'm one person out of billions, what I think hardly matters in the grand scheme of things.
Lunch does not ends so blissfully because he's low on cash and my half of the bill still doesn't cover it, so he has to run to the ATM. Sexxay. Finally, we're back at my office. I thank him for lunch and am flummoxed when he asks if he can call me later. Were we on the same date??? I say that if we ever do go out again (why do I even suggest as much?!), I want it to be like the first date.
"You act like it's all on me," he says.
"Well, you are the driver of your own emotions," I say. "And look," I continue, "I have a strong personality and I'm not apologizing for that. If it doesn't work for you, that's something you need to decide for yourself, because it's not going to change." I have never wanted to be inside my office so badly before this horrendous date.
An hour later, I get a text from him that says, "I'm upset about this."
I ignore it, but consider responding, "Then I suppose this is a bad time to tell you about your awful table manners."
Two more hours pass, and he sends me a message on OK Cupid (where we met). See for yourself:
"Kate,
I thought about changing it up and giving it a day or two before i wrote you but decided that I'd much rather get it out awkwardly then reflect and become depressed about it for the sake of being clear and concise. As hard as it may be, I don't like to make assumptions about people, especially when the person is new in my life. With that said, I'm going to assume I wasn't going to hear from you. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I sent you a link to that Keirsey statement with the very clear purpose of letting you know where I stand in terms of feelings. I don't always make the mark, but that's not the point; we talked about that too. What happening today was wrong. What was different from the first time we met, the times we've written and chatted, and then the 2+ hours we talked on the phone the other night? I felt a very different energy from you.
This basically started when I was telling a story, and made a quick, nonsensical-i dare say- harmless quip (which I didn't get to finish, really) when you made a disapproving comment followed up by a silly definition correction. You then later made a comment about how you're a strong person and this is who you are and you're not changing and too bad. Not exactly, but that's how I heard it and took it. So far, before this, when did I ever give the impression that I wasn't 'ok' with you as a person? As an intelligent, strong person? I never did, because those qualities were part of what I am attracted to. I thought I had at least once or twice made that clear; your brain and person were as important to me as how physically attracted I am to you and/or how much fun we have together.
So again, what was different today? Then, during lunch, in an attempt to just break the ice and deal with it, you snipped that I might have a problem with people disagreeing with me. This isn't correct. This wasn't about 'disagreeing'. I really try to practice the whole 'seek first to understand, then to be understood' thing because, I think to myself- I'm a strong person, I can handle it, let the other one work through their stuff first. And in that regard, I should have just brushed off the jabs and enjoyed our lunch. I failed there.
I guess it's the fact that you immediately defaulted to me having a problem with you as a grown, opinionated, strong woman rather than simply chalking it up to something you said that rubbed me the wrong way and sincerely apologizing. The whole exchange rubbed me the wrong way. I'm ok with you, Kate- ok to the point where I don't have to let you know every single time I think something different than you, or firmly establish my differing view about everything at the risk of hurting your feelings or starting a tiff. I'm enjoying your company too much to have it matter.
I hope what I've said does matter."
Whaaaaaaat? I repeat: Whaaaaaaaaat? My response:
"Brian,
I will not tolerate racism, sexism, anti-semitism, or another other 'ism' that others and puts down another human being. I don't think you made a nonsensical or harmless quip--and I don't think you do either, because you said, "I think racism is funny." You acknowledged and verified your remark as racist at the time. To be clear: I don't think you are racist, etc., but that statement and imitation of the man's accent most certainly were socially unacceptable. I think, in 2009, we can safely assume that racism/sexism/anti-semitism is pretty hurtfully and not particularly funny. So should I accept that you're just dancing to the beat of a different drummer in this instance? No. When you hurt other people and reduce their humanity, that's crossing a line; that's where you don't get to dance or drum.
How I interpreted your reaction is secondary. However, it's interesting that you feel free to say mean things about people, then get your feelings hurt when you're called on it. It's also kind of strange that you're upset that I "immediately defaulted to me having a problem with you as a grown, opinionated, strong woman." What? You were upset before I ever said that. So now you're upset about that too? If it's not that I was disagreeing with you, and it's not that I am who I am, then WHAT?
And finally, Brian, you're table manners are... lacking. I know I had a difficult time with the noodles in my soup, but if you'll recall, I never had my elbows on the table or spoke with my mouth full. Also, you began eating before my food was delivered. I know we're not in the South, but those three basic points resonate everywhere in America. Course, graceless habits at the table are a huge turn-off to me, and I knew that I'd never take you dining with my work colleagues, friends, or family--I'd be too embarrassed.
Best wishes and good luck. I hope you find someone who accepts you just the way you are. Clearly, I'm not that woman."
About an hour later, my phone blows up with his response, which takes SIX text messages to convey:
"Way off base and seriously rude, Kate. You mistook my 'I think racism is funny' comment as something 110% what it wasn't. You twisted my words and are still being seriously defensive. And my table manners? Sorry, I didn't realize we were in a classy, formal setting. My table manners are (when it matters) perfect, it was my mood that was spoiled. For claiming to be an all loving, accepting person, you're awfully judgmental. You totally have twisted my words and intentions. This sucks. Being set in your ways comes with age. I understand."
Oh. Wow. Let me numerate what is so awesome about this text:
1) I can't twist ANY words when someone uses the verb IS. How many ways can one interpret "I think racism is funny," pray tell?
2) Um, I'm sorry... WHO is being defensive?
3) You know when table manners matter? On a friggin' date!
4) I love it when Christians try to point out the hypocrisy of another person's religious practice. Cast the first stone, by all means.
5) He took a shot at my age! Holy shit!!!
6) This can't be the way he responds to every rejection... can it?
Of course, I did not reply with any of this. My sole text was: "Please leave me alone." So far, so good.
I know I said before to not let me date, but this shit is so much better and stranger than fiction... Candice Bushnell may have beaten me to the punch, but I can still write my own, "Insanity, Dating, and the City."
I had a first date with this guy on Monday in the park. It was fun and lovely, though I didn't see much (if any) longevity in the match, considering he was 25, has an acting bg, and works as a bartender. Still, he seemed a bit mature for his age, and why not go on an adventure? I'll tell you why.
Date two on Friday is off to a lame start due to his 15 minute tardiness. Turns out a door nearly crushed him while he was exiting a building (a bank, I think). Rather than simply leave, he decided to help the only woman there put the door back on its hinges (fail), then talk to her landlord when she said no one was going to come to help and that it was her problem. Now, I like that he was all "gimme the phone, I'll talk to this guy," but what he said next set me off... As he's telling this animated little ditty, he puts his hand by his mouth and stage whispers: "He was a Jew!" then proceeds to imitate the man's Israeli accent. WTF???
So I stop him and ask, "Why are you doing that?"
Our hero declares, "What, it's funny. I think racism is funny."
This is where my eyes get big and you can see the whites all the way around the irises... I reply firmly, "I DO NOT." For good measure, and because I'm a smartass, I add: "Also, that's an ethnicity, not a race."
The kid visibly wilts and refuses to finish his story. Mind you, we are still walking to the restaurant. I should have turned around and gone back to the office, but no...
Lunch is mostly in silence, with a few minor attempts to strike up a conversation (on my part). There's another instance where I voice my opposing opinion (about anorexia, which, btw, is not a dining topic), and again he abruptly ends the conversation. So finally I say, "Look, I'm going to go out on a limb here since I have nothing to lose... I get the impression you don't like being disagreed with." He says something about how he thinks I was being judgmental. It was hard to decipher since he was TALKING with his MOUTH FULL. (More on that in a few.) I say that no, I am not, but even if I was judging him, who cares! I'm one person out of billions, what I think hardly matters in the grand scheme of things.
Lunch does not ends so blissfully because he's low on cash and my half of the bill still doesn't cover it, so he has to run to the ATM. Sexxay. Finally, we're back at my office. I thank him for lunch and am flummoxed when he asks if he can call me later. Were we on the same date??? I say that if we ever do go out again (why do I even suggest as much?!), I want it to be like the first date.
"You act like it's all on me," he says.
"Well, you are the driver of your own emotions," I say. "And look," I continue, "I have a strong personality and I'm not apologizing for that. If it doesn't work for you, that's something you need to decide for yourself, because it's not going to change." I have never wanted to be inside my office so badly before this horrendous date.
An hour later, I get a text from him that says, "I'm upset about this."
I ignore it, but consider responding, "Then I suppose this is a bad time to tell you about your awful table manners."
Two more hours pass, and he sends me a message on OK Cupid (where we met). See for yourself:
"Kate,
I thought about changing it up and giving it a day or two before i wrote you but decided that I'd much rather get it out awkwardly then reflect and become depressed about it for the sake of being clear and concise. As hard as it may be, I don't like to make assumptions about people, especially when the person is new in my life. With that said, I'm going to assume I wasn't going to hear from you. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I sent you a link to that Keirsey statement with the very clear purpose of letting you know where I stand in terms of feelings. I don't always make the mark, but that's not the point; we talked about that too. What happening today was wrong. What was different from the first time we met, the times we've written and chatted, and then the 2+ hours we talked on the phone the other night? I felt a very different energy from you.
This basically started when I was telling a story, and made a quick, nonsensical-i dare say- harmless quip (which I didn't get to finish, really) when you made a disapproving comment followed up by a silly definition correction. You then later made a comment about how you're a strong person and this is who you are and you're not changing and too bad. Not exactly, but that's how I heard it and took it. So far, before this, when did I ever give the impression that I wasn't 'ok' with you as a person? As an intelligent, strong person? I never did, because those qualities were part of what I am attracted to. I thought I had at least once or twice made that clear; your brain and person were as important to me as how physically attracted I am to you and/or how much fun we have together.
So again, what was different today? Then, during lunch, in an attempt to just break the ice and deal with it, you snipped that I might have a problem with people disagreeing with me. This isn't correct. This wasn't about 'disagreeing'. I really try to practice the whole 'seek first to understand, then to be understood' thing because, I think to myself- I'm a strong person, I can handle it, let the other one work through their stuff first. And in that regard, I should have just brushed off the jabs and enjoyed our lunch. I failed there.
I guess it's the fact that you immediately defaulted to me having a problem with you as a grown, opinionated, strong woman rather than simply chalking it up to something you said that rubbed me the wrong way and sincerely apologizing. The whole exchange rubbed me the wrong way. I'm ok with you, Kate- ok to the point where I don't have to let you know every single time I think something different than you, or firmly establish my differing view about everything at the risk of hurting your feelings or starting a tiff. I'm enjoying your company too much to have it matter.
I hope what I've said does matter."
Whaaaaaaat? I repeat: Whaaaaaaaaat? My response:
"Brian,
I will not tolerate racism, sexism, anti-semitism, or another other 'ism' that others and puts down another human being. I don't think you made a nonsensical or harmless quip--and I don't think you do either, because you said, "I think racism is funny." You acknowledged and verified your remark as racist at the time. To be clear: I don't think you are racist, etc., but that statement and imitation of the man's accent most certainly were socially unacceptable. I think, in 2009, we can safely assume that racism/sexism/anti-semitism is pretty hurtfully and not particularly funny. So should I accept that you're just dancing to the beat of a different drummer in this instance? No. When you hurt other people and reduce their humanity, that's crossing a line; that's where you don't get to dance or drum.
How I interpreted your reaction is secondary. However, it's interesting that you feel free to say mean things about people, then get your feelings hurt when you're called on it. It's also kind of strange that you're upset that I "immediately defaulted to me having a problem with you as a grown, opinionated, strong woman." What? You were upset before I ever said that. So now you're upset about that too? If it's not that I was disagreeing with you, and it's not that I am who I am, then WHAT?
And finally, Brian, you're table manners are... lacking. I know I had a difficult time with the noodles in my soup, but if you'll recall, I never had my elbows on the table or spoke with my mouth full. Also, you began eating before my food was delivered. I know we're not in the South, but those three basic points resonate everywhere in America. Course, graceless habits at the table are a huge turn-off to me, and I knew that I'd never take you dining with my work colleagues, friends, or family--I'd be too embarrassed.
Best wishes and good luck. I hope you find someone who accepts you just the way you are. Clearly, I'm not that woman."
About an hour later, my phone blows up with his response, which takes SIX text messages to convey:
"Way off base and seriously rude, Kate. You mistook my 'I think racism is funny' comment as something 110% what it wasn't. You twisted my words and are still being seriously defensive. And my table manners? Sorry, I didn't realize we were in a classy, formal setting. My table manners are (when it matters) perfect, it was my mood that was spoiled. For claiming to be an all loving, accepting person, you're awfully judgmental. You totally have twisted my words and intentions. This sucks. Being set in your ways comes with age. I understand."
Oh. Wow. Let me numerate what is so awesome about this text:
1) I can't twist ANY words when someone uses the verb IS. How many ways can one interpret "I think racism is funny," pray tell?
2) Um, I'm sorry... WHO is being defensive?
3) You know when table manners matter? On a friggin' date!
4) I love it when Christians try to point out the hypocrisy of another person's religious practice. Cast the first stone, by all means.
5) He took a shot at my age! Holy shit!!!
6) This can't be the way he responds to every rejection... can it?
Of course, I did not reply with any of this. My sole text was: "Please leave me alone." So far, so good.
I know I said before to not let me date, but this shit is so much better and stranger than fiction... Candice Bushnell may have beaten me to the punch, but I can still write my own, "Insanity, Dating, and the City."