1 Year, 1 month, 23 days. 7 months, 20 days.
I put so much of myself into everything. I care too much.
I just finished reading the 5th Harry Potter book, and yet again I cried. I knew what was coming- I knew Harry would lose Sirius, but it still broke my heart.
I think it's affecting me so much because I haven't been thinking about Lani and Nicole as much, and JK Rowling's writing reminded me of how awful it feels to lose someone, and guilt that comes with it. All of the what if's and if only's come flooding back at once, and I'm overwhelmed.
I feel guilty because I don't think of them as much. Because I can get through the day with out crying. Because I'm feeling pretty happy again, and know that I'll be okay without them.
Stupid, right? I know perfectly well that they would want me to be happy, and that moving on isn't an insult to their memory and all that other crap that everyone always says, but I'm still feeling it. I know that I should not feel guilty about this but I do, and I suppose it will pass as more time goes on.
Still, when I do think about them, it hurts just as much as the first moment when I found out. Like my heart is being wrenched from my body. Like the world just became flipped upsidedown, and reality is a distant dream, and nightmares have become reality. I'm just floating here, separated from everyone else.
I haven't heard from Meg in months. I used to call her one of my best friends. I guess she just didn't care that much. I've stopped trying to call her, because it hurts too much every time she neglects to call me back. Death makes you lose more than the one person it took.
My last post...that feeling comes whenever I feel down. It's because I feel lonely without them, and I look around and see so many people talking about their relationships, or most of the time complaining and worrying. Well, I would give anything to worry about a relationship. It's never been a matter of being hurt, it's a matter of never having anything to get hurt by. As soon as I think something starts, it's over in a few of weeks because of whatever lame reason they come up with, that frankly, I don't even want to hear. What it comes down to is that I have trouble relating to people and getting close, and I always have. It's even worse now, I think. Also, I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can handle anything serious. I don't know if I really can deal with anything less, because I've had that and it's all wonderful until the other person tells you that things have to end because he's in love with another girl. Makes you wonder what's wrong with you that he picked you over her. And I know I'm wonderful, I'm not asking anyone to remind me. I love myself. I know that I'm smart, caring, beautiful, and loyal. I know that I'm stronger than most anyone I know. However, that isn't enough when you can't get very close to anyone. And I know I'm pretty close to a few people, but I've been let down so many times before, and now that I'm so afraid of everyone dying, I can't get close the way I was with Nicole and Lani. I hate it so much, more than anyone could ever understand. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so intelligent, so that I wouldn't have such complex emotions. The people who are more ignorant to life have it so easy. They don't know half the pains of this world.
I just finished reading the 5th Harry Potter book, and yet again I cried. I knew what was coming- I knew Harry would lose Sirius, but it still broke my heart.
I think it's affecting me so much because I haven't been thinking about Lani and Nicole as much, and JK Rowling's writing reminded me of how awful it feels to lose someone, and guilt that comes with it. All of the what if's and if only's come flooding back at once, and I'm overwhelmed.
I feel guilty because I don't think of them as much. Because I can get through the day with out crying. Because I'm feeling pretty happy again, and know that I'll be okay without them.
Stupid, right? I know perfectly well that they would want me to be happy, and that moving on isn't an insult to their memory and all that other crap that everyone always says, but I'm still feeling it. I know that I should not feel guilty about this but I do, and I suppose it will pass as more time goes on.
Still, when I do think about them, it hurts just as much as the first moment when I found out. Like my heart is being wrenched from my body. Like the world just became flipped upsidedown, and reality is a distant dream, and nightmares have become reality. I'm just floating here, separated from everyone else.
I haven't heard from Meg in months. I used to call her one of my best friends. I guess she just didn't care that much. I've stopped trying to call her, because it hurts too much every time she neglects to call me back. Death makes you lose more than the one person it took.
My last post...that feeling comes whenever I feel down. It's because I feel lonely without them, and I look around and see so many people talking about their relationships, or most of the time complaining and worrying. Well, I would give anything to worry about a relationship. It's never been a matter of being hurt, it's a matter of never having anything to get hurt by. As soon as I think something starts, it's over in a few of weeks because of whatever lame reason they come up with, that frankly, I don't even want to hear. What it comes down to is that I have trouble relating to people and getting close, and I always have. It's even worse now, I think. Also, I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can handle anything serious. I don't know if I really can deal with anything less, because I've had that and it's all wonderful until the other person tells you that things have to end because he's in love with another girl. Makes you wonder what's wrong with you that he picked you over her. And I know I'm wonderful, I'm not asking anyone to remind me. I love myself. I know that I'm smart, caring, beautiful, and loyal. I know that I'm stronger than most anyone I know. However, that isn't enough when you can't get very close to anyone. And I know I'm pretty close to a few people, but I've been let down so many times before, and now that I'm so afraid of everyone dying, I can't get close the way I was with Nicole and Lani. I hate it so much, more than anyone could ever understand. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so intelligent, so that I wouldn't have such complex emotions. The people who are more ignorant to life have it so easy. They don't know half the pains of this world.