(no subject)
Agh! I can not beleive this. Ive been lying down... trying to sleep since 12. I cant seem to get things out of my head. So, im going to see if writing them helps. Ok... well... i dont know what that medicine was... but it gave me a horrible stomach ache. And i keep seeing thing... freaky things. Like... spiders.. crawling on me.. and when i go to swat them away... the disappear. And knives too... of all shapes and sizes. And just empty bottles of prescription drugs. And i had this disturbing image of me on the floor.. with an empty Rx bottle... and in comes emily and noelle. Yeah... disturbing, i know. And when im not thinking about that.. i have all these songs stuck in my head. Like 'Girl all the bad guys want' and that one by S.O.A.D... that goes 'Everyones commin to the party, have a real good time. Na na na na na na na na na... NA NA NA!' yeah... they keep going through my head. oh... Andrew just came on... hold on a few while i converse with him. Hmm... he said he bought some sparkly fushia nail polish... but he hates it because he has to put like 3 coats on it and wait 2 hours for it to dry.. and it makes his nails look all gloppy. Anywho... i cant sleep... and i have ot be up in 4 1/2 hours. Ugh. Coffee will be neccisary in the morning... well... later today. Agh... i need money.. horribly. Eh... i even read some of the bible... and i still cant sleep. Im so tired though. I think the reason that medicine gave me such a bad stomach ache was because i havent had anything to eat. Yeah... that probably why. Hmm.. now that i think about it... i havent really eaten very much since... yeah. Hmm... did you know that when kacey came up here.. the second time... she said it looks like ive gained weight? it was horrible.. because, infact.. i had lost 10 lbs. I reached an all-time high in Fl.. at 197 lbs. But... luckily for me... ive almost lost 25 lbs. Hmm... i never talk about that stuff. Probably because... im very embarassed about it... always being made fun of and stuff... by kacey and my stepmom... and kids at school. Mostly by my stepmom. And people always bring it up (in my family) and ask me junk. And tell that im going to get diabetes. Its like... OMG... Will you shut up about it already!? I mean.. come on... dont you think that i am constantly reminded of my weight.. i mean... im the one who lives with it everyday... its not like i can forget about it. Everytime i see a part of me.. its like... 'i cant believe i look like that' and when i see pictures of myself... its so disgusting. I guess thats kinda why i was asking about the friend thing the other day. I just dont get why someone would ever befriend something and ugly and disturbing as I. Its just... i dont know. Ive always been told that fat was wrong... fat is bad... people who are fat are lazy and eat too much. Stay away from fat people. And here i am.. fat. Kinda like when my dad said... wait... no... he's never told me not to smoke... so.. nvm. Sometimes i wish could just take a knife or something and just cut it all off. Im so disgusted by myself. But i dont do anything about it. Yeah... i dont eat... yeah... i ride my bike... but its obviously not enough. It was horrible living with all these people... who were so skinny... and have always been skinny. And them telling me that im not trying... and i dont want it. HOW THE FUCK WOULD THEY KNOW!? They have no fucking idea how it is to be overweight. They have no idea what its like to want to puke everytime you see yourself. no idea... no idea. And they act all understanding... but i know that they are disgusted by my apperance as well. When you weigh more than your dad... you know you've gone way way way too far. Eh... i hate it. And then my mom was like... 'well... i was a heavy adolescence too... dont worry... you'll grow out of it' yeah... well... too bad that i have pictures form when she was 15... she looks like 110. I hate it when people lie to me. Eh... wow... i came on here to let out my thoughts... and i gained new ones. *sigh* oh well. wow... its 4 20. Im going to attepmt to sleep now. Lol.. if Andrew ever stops talking. Im going to need a lot of coffee tomorrow.. well.. today.
-Jess
-Jess