BIG BANG 2011 Weird Science - Part Three
Part Three (separation anxiety)
"I have nothing to wear to Gabe's party." Jensen exclaims out of the blue.
They've been watching a Civil War documentary on the History channel for the last half an hour but Jensen's brain has been too preoccupied to focus on anything apart from the minor panic-attack he's having. The cause being that tonight he is attending what is probably his first party since puberty hit.
Only this time there's not going to be a piñata, or a Toy Story fancy-dress theme.
"Close your eyes." Jared says, climbing awkwardly up off the beanbag they're sharing in front of the TV set.
Jensen does as instructed and tries not to pull away when he feels Jared removing his glasses, "What are you doing, Jay?"
Jensen listens carefully as Jared pads out of the room, his soft footfalls returning moments later. "Now open your eyes and look up at the ceiling."
Jensen scrunches his nose when a blurred but strangely familiar object comes into view, gravitating dangerously close to his face. "Eyeliner? Seriously?"
"And if we cut the arms off of Josh's denim jacket you will look super hot."
"Yeah, maybe if it was 1984 and I was in New Kids on the Block." Jensen mutters knocking the hand clutching the eyeliner pencil away. "Also, if we cut the arms off Josh's denim jacket he will cut off my arms and feed them to me."
"Really? He would do that?"
"Totally." Jensen deadpans.
J2J2J2
"Are you nervous?"
"A little, aren't you?"
"Jensen, Chad has told me that you've wanted to go to one of these parties for so long you could bottle it. Let's have fun."
Gabe's parents live in an impressive six-bedroomed mansion in an exclusive, wealthy neighbourhood on the outskirts of Dallas. Compared to the other houses surrounding it, it's actually pretty modest but to Jensen it's the kind of place he imagines Paris Hilton living in.
Jensen glances down at himself, pleased that he doesn't look half bad. He's wearing a white button-down shirt and, swayed by Jared's influence, he's also opted to wear an old pair of dark blue jeans. Ones his mom told him to throw out last year because they were too tight.
Apparently, his ass looks good enough to eat. At least, that's what Jared told him when he first tried them on, face grimacing as the high crotch dug painfully into his balls.
Jared is in a white wife-beater that might look a touch too Eight Mile on anyone else but on him looks positively sinful, showing off every line of fine toned muscle in his torso. And Jensen has no idea where the black leather pants he's wearing have come from-unless one of his neighbours has recently held a stripper-gear yard sale.
That said, Jensen can't take away from the fact that Jared does look scorching hot.
The front door to Gabe's house is unlocked and hanging open to allow for the ever constant stream of keyed up teens coming and going. As they walk inside the air is reverberating with noise, an eardrum-bursting mix of excited voices and booming Lady GaGa hits.
Jensen's licks his lips nervously, feeling immensely better when Jared's hand slips into his own.
He's going to enjoy himself tonight, his neurosis be damned.
Jared isn't backwards about coming forwards and drags Jensen straight towards a group of kids bump 'n' grinding on a makeshift dance floor in the large lounge. This isn't ideal as Jensen generally needs at least two beers before he attempts to move his body in time to music-and that only ever happens when he's alone and in the privacy of his own bedroom.
They attract plenty of attention, two sober guys dancing to Poker Face but as his initial nerves start to diminish, Jensen discovers that he's actually enjoying himself. For a change, he doesn't feel like an object of ridicule or pity. In fact, from the way some of the girls (and even some of the guys) are watching them, he feels envied.
The music's a few hundred decibels too loud for talking and so Jensen focuses on his feet. Attempting to try and ensure he isn't one misstep away from making himself look like an uncoordinated buffoon.
He's so distracted that he isn't paying proper attention when Jared leans in close to his ear and whispers, "kiss me?"
Suddenly Jensen has two left feet and absolutely no sense of rhythm. Stopping himself from going ass-first onto the carpet only at the very last second.
Jensen stares at Jared, Jared's white smile gleaming back at him like a damn toothpaste commercial as he waits for a response but Jensen can't get his vocal cords to work.
The Lady GaGa-athon carries on regardless with the opening bars to Paparazzi kicking in and Jensen's almost running as he tries to get off the dance floor. Heading towards a table where he can see Gabe busily serving up brimming cups of questionable looking punch.
Jensen needs a drink stat.
"Please, don't run away. I want you to kiss me." Jared curls one of his long artist's fingers into a belt loop on Jensen's pants and reels him back in.
"I can't."
"Don't be ridiculous, Jensen, of course you can. I know you want to...and I want you to."
The music finally changes to a classic Seventies disco track and almost immediately, everyone's on their feet and Jensen feels suffocated. Drowning in a large mass of moving bodies.
"Kiss me, forget about everyone around you."
Jensen shakes his head emphatically. Everyone will see and they'll all be thinking the same thing. What could someone like Jared want with someone like Jensen Ackles?
"Kiss me!" Jared persists and this time Jensen stumbles forward on sheer instinct, unable to fight the inevitable any longer. His brain zoning in on nothing but the image of Jared's soft mouth as he pushes up on his toes and kisses lips which are warm and purposely moistened.
It's so amazingly, mind-blowingly good that Jensen's brain stutters to a stop, he barely even thinks to close his eyes and swirl his tongue around a little-he's that mesmerized.
"You look like rigamortis has set in." Jared grins, breaking away to clutch his stomach as he laughs. "Just, try and relax for me."
Jensen tries, he really does. Letting his body go limp and kinda sag against Jared but Jared's strong hands support him, one cupping his face and the other firmly planted on his waist.
They kiss again and this time, Jensen remembers to enjoy every single moment of Jared's mouth, pressing firm and hot against his. The sensation blots out all his fears of inadequacy completely.
Jared keeps making cute little moaning sounds low in his throat that seriously threaten to tip Jensen over the edge. Mindlessly he shoves himself against Jared, digging his fingers into Jared's shoulders before pushing his hands up through his hair, all the while eating at his mouth.
He's hungry for it, so damn fucking ravenous for Jared's taste.
They're probably attracting a crowd of gawping onlookers right now but as far as Jensen is concerned there's nobody in the room but them.
Jensen tries not to groan in protest when the kiss finally comes to an end but he's breathless and starting to feel a little dizzy so it's probably a wise move to stop.
"You haven't done that with a guy before have you?" Jared asks, cheeks flushed pink, eyes dancing.
"Was it terrible?" Jensen gulps mortified.
"No, of course not. I knew you'd be fantastic." Jared drags out the last word for emphasis. He frowns when he notices Jensen's doubtful expression. "Hey, I'm not lying to you. I would never lie to you."
"Why did you want me to kiss you?"
"Jensen," Jared shakes his head. "Why wouldn't I? You're beautiful."
They walk over to an empty space on the couch and sit down, squashing themselves in between a kid who is passed out and drooling on himself and a kissing couple who apparently have no intention whatsoever of coming up for air.
Jensen snorts in bitter amusement, "I don't know how to do this. I don't dance. I don't go to parties...and I definitely don't kiss hot guys."
"Just be yourself. I like you Jensen. I like you a whole lot and whether or not you're ever going to accept it, you are the person I want to be with."
Jensen huffs out a long breath and rests his forehead on his knees. Why can't Jared get it? Why can't Jared see him the way everyone else does?
This party is a huge deal for Jensen, a first step, a baby step. When Jared looks at him with such adoration, Jensen feels exposed, he feels like a fraud. Like Jared will somehow come to his senses and realize that he's made a mistake, that Jensen is a waste of space.
He feels unworthy in Jared's presence. Jared is a light, a light that burns so brightly and Jensen has spent most of his teenage years resigned to hiding in shadows.
Jensen had almost forgotten what it felt like to bask in such warmth.
Out of them both, Jared is the one who is truly alive.
"I mean it," Jared insists, forehead creasing with tiny furrows as he waits for Jensen to speak.
"When I...when I made you, I wanted you to be everything that I'm not. I wanted you to be confident and you are, you're not afraid of anything. People are drawn to you like moths to a really gigantic flame and I wish I could be like that too but I can't, I'm not like you...and I never will be." It makes Jensen wince, listening to himself. How pathetic he sounds. How weak.
"You want to be like me? A guy you made using a computer program?" Jared's smile has dimmed as though it needs new batteries. "And you're wrong about me, Jensen. There are some things that I'm afraid of."
Jared picks up a discarded half-empty cup of beer from the floor by his feet and drains it, shaking the last few drops into his open mouth. He rubs at his eyes with his hand as though he's worried or upset but when his hand drops away there's no trace of it left on his face. "Come on, let's get some of that punch and loosen up. You wanted to party remember."
Jensen nods, Jared is right. They came out tonight to have some fun, not to go into emo overdrive. That crap can sit on the back burner for at least one night and anyway Jensen wouldn't mind giving Gabe's mystery-mix punch a try.
Although he finds it hard enough trying not to molest Jared in his daydreams, so God only knows how he'll cope when he's got a few cups of Gabe's special brew inside him.
J2J2J2
At around half eleven, less than half an hour before their midnight curfew, they stagger out of Gabe's party. Loose limbed, their arms are slung heavily around each-others shoulders in a way that makes Jensen's unsure who is actually carrying who.
They're both drunk and swaying as they walk a zigzag line over the front lawn. Giggling over nothing more than the lopsided slant the world has taken on thanks to all the drinks they've sunk tonight.
"I didn't know you could dance like that," Jensen grins, eyes losing focus as he watches a bead of sweat trickle down Jared's neck to join the glistening pool formed in the dip of his throat.
"My hips don't lie," Jared gives his ass a Shakira-esque jiggle.
Jensen's chuckles and shakes his head, "You've been spending way too much time around Chad."
"Maybe," Jared says thoughtfully. "Though I might have picked up some tips from some of the websites you had stored in your favorites. I do believe I can also booty and pole dance."
Jensen lets his arm drop free, "I guess I have watched a lot of X-Tube." He rubs his hand through his hair with embarrassment, his fingers come away sticky from all the product he's used to tame it. "How're you feeling? I think we're both fizzucked."
"Fizzucked?"
"That's what Chad calls it when he gets drunk. You've never been drunk before have you?"
"I feel good, happy...I mean, the beer has made my arms floppy and I think my tongue is numb but you, you've made me happy."
The sky above them is filled with stars, a glittering roof above their heads that makes Jensen feel oddly giddy with the magnificence of it all. A small but very vocal part of him wants to sprawl out on the cool grass of Gabe's front lawn with Jared wrapped in his arms and do nothing but star gaze but instead he catches Jared's eye and they share another carefree smile.
They both stop walking when someone shouts Jensen's name and Jensen turns to see Sophia and her best friend Alona Tal, arm in arm, hurrying down Gabe's driveway trying to catch them up.
"Hey!" Jensen returns, smiling a smile which he hopes doesn't look too awkward sitting on his face.
He knows Sophia by her reputation as probably the most lusted after, hottest, girl in school-at least that what Chad says and being gay, Jensen has to take his word for it.
Jensen swallows hard; Sophia and Alona want to talk to them. To him! It's a pretty big deal.
"We just wanted to say thank you." Sophia beams at Jensen, catching her breath before turning the rays on Jared too.
"Yeah, thank you so much." Alona says, a grin of her own forming to match Sophia's. Her smile's a little wonky, they're both as wasted on Gabe's punch as Jared and Jensen are.
"What for?" Jensen asks, sharing a confused glance with Jared who has his hand hovering by Alona's elbow in case she takes a tumble.
"For making-out of course," Alona says. "The floorshow you guys put on was so hot."
"And about a million times better than watching Tom and his dumbass friends cracking cans of beer open with their foreheads," Sophia adds. "You're the cutest couple, like ever. I'm totally gonna campaign for you to be Shermer High's Prom King and King."
Sophia and Alona stumble away, heading back to the party and it's all Jared and Jensen can do to stop themselves from bursting out into a fit of raucous laughter.
Prom King and King?
The party has been great, a night that Jensen doesn't ever want to forget. With alcohol dulling his usual reserve, Jensen reaches out his hand to push a lock of Jared's artfully messy hair aside. He laughs when it slips forward to cover Jared's eyes again.
Jared's so damn beautiful that Jensen could stare at him until his eyeballs dried out and he'd never get bored of the view.
Everything is almost too perfect when Jared curls his arm around Jensen's waist and gives his earlobe a nibbling kiss. They start the long walk back to Jensen's house and for once, Jensen doesn't mind at all that he doesn't have his mom or dad on standby to provide parent taxi duty.
He isn't in any rush for tonight to end.
J2J2J2
When they get home, the place is quiet save for the sound of loud snoring coming from Mackenzie's bedroom.
They climb the stairs in a tangle of limbs, Jared mouthing sloppy kisses against Jensen's neck, working his way down and along his collarbone until Jensen starts seeing stars.
At the top of the stairs, Jared extracts himself and moves away, breathing heavily he leans back against the wall. "I should go. To my room. It's the chivalrous thing to do."
"Fuck chivalry," Jensen blurts, grabbing Jared's belt and hauling him hurriedly through his bedroom door.
Pushing Jared down onto the bed, Jensen eagerly follows, landing on top of him. They're laughing, loudly. Trying to keep quiet is almost impossible since they're both drunk on booze and lust and ohmygodjustfuckmealready but the light-hearted atmosphere shrivels up and dies a rapid death when Jensen starts to unfasten Jared's pants and the full understanding about what's about to happen smashes its way through his alcohol haze.
It's not like Jensen hasn't thought about having sex with Jared before, hell, he's thought about it loads but the reality of getting what he's dreamed about is a lot more daunting than he expected.
"Are you okay?" Jared asks when Jensen freezes, fingers falling away from Jared's zipper.
"Yeah, I'm..." Jensen laughs nervously. A small broken, petrified, sound that grates on his own ears. "I'm just not sure..."
"Who is going to top?" Jared smiles, "I understand that is one of the biggest questions when it comes to first time gay sex. I want you to decide, Jensen. I want your first time to be perfect."
"No, I can't...I..."
"Please?"
Jensen lets out a shaky breath. It's like someone just asked him which he prefers the most, chocolate brownies or blueberry muffins.
As far as Jensen's concerned, they're both freakin' fantastic.
Jensen thinks about it for a moment but then he knows exactly what he wants. He wants to be inside Jared, he wants to feel the hot tight burn of Jared's ass sliding over his cock. He wants to feel Jared, around him, enveloping him, swallowing him whole. "Can I...Can I do it?"
Jared understands immediately, smiling like he's just won the lottery, he unfastens his jeans and kicks them off. "We must keep quiet so you do not get in trouble with your parents. What do you think will be the best position for your first time, Jensen? A Sight For Sore Ass or Super Hornio Brothers? I seem to recall Luigi lying on his stomach like this."
Jensen flushes as he recognizes the titles of porn movies he's downloaded. "How about we improvise?"
Jared glances over his shoulder at Jensen, dark lashes fanning dimpled cheeks tinged pink with yearning as he nods. "Sounds perfect."
J2J2J2
Next morning Jensen wakes at daybreak with Jared's arm flopped across his face.
Not without difficultly he wiggles free and sits up, rubbing a hand through his hair he groans under his breath. The inside of his mouth tastes of tequila, stale beer and old cigarette butts.
Despite the vicious pounding inside his head, the rays of rising sunlight filtering through the blinds at the window pull up the corners of his lips.
In the warming half-light, Jensen feels different. Less of his usual sense of self-loathing and more...contentment. He feels strangely at peace with his world.
Jared is still deeply asleep next to him, laying in an ungainly sprawl of gangly limbs. His cheek mashed into his pillow. Jensen looks at Jared's closed eyes, his nose, his mouth, his lips, slightly parted.
He longs to touch, to trace every inch of Jared with his fingertips and pay sweet homage to his flesh.
"You make me feel like I'm worth something, like I matter."
It's a whisper, words that form and fade in the early morning light without being heard by anyone but Jensen.
J2J2J2
"Spring break, dude! A whole week of doing nothing." Chad shouts, shoulder-barging his way inside the house the moment Jensen opens the door.
Jensen's jaw cracks when he yawns sleepily. He frowns when his nose picks up the scent of stale beer on his own breath. "Jeez, Chad. It's really early. What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep in, I'm too excited about not having to get up for school. Spring break is officially the best."
"Nowhere on the planet does that make any sense you wacko."
"Fuck you very much," Chad says, smiling. "I'm too awesome for this world." Chad sniffs, nose in the air like a bloodhound. "Are you making French toast? I smell French toast."
Jensen sighs loudly. He is making French toast-it's a special, post-coital, breakfast that he was planning on delivering to a still-sleeping Jared.
Chad hurries into the kitchen rubbing his hands together.
"So have you boinked Jared yet?" Chad asks helping himself to a slice straight out of the pan, face contorting in pain when he burns his fingertips. "Oh my Gawd, Jensen. You have, haven't you? You and Jared have bumped nasties." Chad's voice turns squeaky in mock-horror, well, squeakier than usual anyway.
"Shhhhh, you're going to wake my folks." Jensen groans. Not at all impressed that Chad has invited himself over to steal his and Jared's breakfast. "Mom will hang me from the washing line by my gonads if she finds Jared asleep in my bed."
"You did it in your bed? You did, didn't you? You sly dog, look at you, you've got sex hair. You went to a Tigerman party, without taking me I hasten to add, and now you've gone and gotten laid. Jesus, it's not fair. I'm The Eighteen-Year-Old Virgin! My shitty excuse for a life sucks cock." Chad whines and Jensen gapes at him like an air-starved goldfish. "What? Just because you're the gay one it doesn't mean you own the monopoly on sucking cock."
Jensen blushes, embarrassed but not entirely beyond indulging in a burning desire to gloat. He's had sex! Real sex with a real person.
Okay, so maybe not the latter but still...Jensen has finally done the big nasty and it didn't even involve slipping anyone a mickey.
Also, it was quite the opposite of nasty.
J2J2J2
This should be the best time in Jensen's life.
For the first time ever he has a super hot maybe-boyfriend who is crazy about him but the truth is that the more Jensen thinks about things, the more stressed out he gets.
Not even the time Mackenzie accidently scratched his Season One Chuck DVD upset him this much.
Jensen's current situation is just too good to be true. Like everything else in his life, he knows there is no way these good times will last.
He knows it like people with arthritic bones think they can sense coming rain and if Jensen's right, there's a typhoon ready and waiting with his name on it.
As much as he wants things to stay exactly as they are, Jared can't pull off the Polish exchange student gig for much longer. Sooner or later, Jensen's parents are going to start getting suspicious.
J2J2J2
For the next few nights Jensen has weird-ass dreams, ones about packing Jared away into a box and putting him up the loft with their Christmas decorations and Mom's wedding dress. He has others too, about opening a hidden compartment on the back of Jared's head and flicking the power-down switch.
After it starts to become a problem, with Jensen practically chewing coffee grounds at midnight because he's that reluctant to sleep. He decides to swallow the bullet and do the only thing he can enjoy this-enjoy Jared-while it lasts.
J2J2J2
They pass the week by doing their best impersonations of sloths. Dicking around on the X-Box, working their way through Jensen's box sets of Dexter, eating way too much junk food and stealing kisses when they think there's nobody around to see them.
There's moments, when it's quiet, late at night just before they say g'night and head to their own rooms that Jensen gets to see another side of Jared.
Normally Jared's 'on' all the time, lightening-fast with a smile and eager to please but sometimes, Jensen catches him off guard. There's a wistful cast to Jared's expression and something not unlike fear in his eyes. He asks Jared about it of course, wanting him to open up and share whatever is bothering him but Jared slams a grin back onto his face and the moment is lost.
J2J2J2
On Sunday, Jensen takes Jared to a diner, determined that they should try to have something that resembles a real date.
Luke's Grill is a popular hangout amongst the kids in Jensen's high school. Somewhere they can go after class to stuff themselves to busting point with cheeseburgers, chilli cheese fries and double chocolate milkshakes, without any parents or teachers breathing down their necks.
Jensen feels weird about bringing Jared here, it's not like it's one of his regular haunts or anything. Jensen doesn't actually have anything that could count as a real hangout, nothing beyond The Nerd's Lair comic book store downtown.
They get a table by the window since Jensen already knows that Jared loves to watch the world go by, every fine detail. Nothing seems to escape his notice. He takes everything in, from the backfiring car making its noisy way down the road outside to the elderly couple holding hands as they browse in the bookshop just across the street.
As they wait for their order, Jared leans across the table and smiles widely. "This is great, this is just like Al's place in Happy Days."
"That's good, I'm glad you like it here."
"I'm happy being around you, Jensen. You look especially beautiful today."
Jensen winces, he looks exactly like his usual dorky self. He isn't wearing anything special, just his normal tee and jeans combo. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair this morning, although as normal his hair is refusing to co-operate and not stick up in places. "Don't...please don't say stuff like that to me, okay?" Jensen forces a fake smile as their waitress brings over their Cokes and two slices of apple pie. He takes a long sip from his straw, hoping against hope that Jared will just let it drop already.
"What are those?" Jensen asks, noticing for the first time that Jared has something in his hand, something that he's trying to hide underneath the table.
"Flowers, for you." With flourish, Jared produces a small bunch of wilting daisies, not unlike a magician producing them from a previously empty sleeve.
Jensen grins, blushes and then eyes the blooms suspiciously. "Are those...are those from my parents backyard?"
"Yes, I picked them just for you. I saw you admiring them the other day and..."
"Jesus, Jared, I was watering them." Jensen stops talking when he sees the smile on Jared's face start to waver. "But thank you, I mean it. Thanks Jared." He tips his chin, staring down at his plate in a lame attempt to hide the flush of heat rising upwards from his neck.
"Ackles, are you lost? What are you doing in here?"
Jensen doesn't lift his gaze but he doesn't really need to, he'd recognize that voice anytime, anywhere.
Tom fucking Welling.
"Leave us alone, okay?" Jensen finally looks up but can't quite make his gaze meet Tom's. He turns around in his seat and his stomach drops when he sees that Tom has two of his buddies with him.
"Sorry to break up the party, Jensen only I owe your boyfriend here a present and I was thinking something along the lines of a knuckle-sandwich."
"Wow, you really are a walking cliché of a homophobic asshole aren't you?" Jensen's not quite sure where his unpredicted burst of bravery has come from except that he really doesn't like Jared being threatened.
Tom blinks, looking stunned that Jensen would dare throw an insult in his direction but finally his brain catches up with his surprise. "What did you say to me you frickin' queer?"
"You heard me," Jensen's voice raises several quavers because he is damn sure they're not getting out of this without some bloodshed, or some miracle.
"You're being mean to Jensen because he's gay?" Jared says slowly, eyes widening as he looks up at Tom. "That's insane...Jensen's the best person I know." Rolling his lip between his teeth Jared adds, "Jensen's right, you are an asshole. A giant asshole."
A few of the other diners have stopped eating to watch the drama unfold and faster than Jensen can say let's get out of here, Tom's beefy hand is gripping the back of Jared's neck, hauling him from his seat and out through the diner door.
Jensen barely has time to drop a handful of bills on the table before he's running outside too.
Out in the parking lot, Jared's surrounded three to one. In fact, make that three to two since Jensen is not letting Tom and his thugs touch a hair on Jared's head without at least attempting to bitch-slap the hell out of all of them.
The fight starts almost instantly, with less panache than you see in Hollywood movies and more awkward, inept, wrestling moves poorly imitated from WWF matches.
Jensen not unsuccessfully manages to drop-kick Mike Rosenbaum before head-butting Aldis Hodge in the chest driving him backwards into the brick wall of the diner. Meanwhile, Jared is going one on one with Tom.
Jared's big enough, strong enough, that he could seriously hurt Tom if he wanted to-but he's definitely holding back. Ducking Tom's punches and throwing his own wide.
It's clear to Jensen that Jared doesn't want to do any real damage and apparently it's clear to Tom too. Tom's face is growing redder and redder as he gets progressively more annoyed by Jared's unwillingness to go at it.
Jensen's never been in a real fight before, well, only a thumb-war with Mackenzie that got out of control at a family BBQ but that probably doesn't count. He's so pumped on fear driven adrenaline that he can taste it in the back of his throat.
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Tom pinning Jared's arm behind his back. It must hurt like a son of a bitch because Jared yells out.
Then, the unthinkable happens.
Jensen hears a snapping sound when a bone in Jared's arm breaks.
It's the most terrible thing he's ever heard in his entire life, and still it's not half as bad as the look on Jared's face.
Shock and pain, hand in hand.
Jared is on the ground, staring up at Tom with horrified disbelief. Somehow still unable or maybe unwilling to accept that someone could deliberately want to hurt another person so badly.
It breaks Jensen's heart in two.
It seems that Tom has enough sense in his thick head to know when he's gone too far, face blanched-white he shouts for his buds to just leave the homos and run for it before they're gone. Tiny dust clouds kicking up from their sneakers as they tear down the sidewalk and away.
Jared's still down on the tarmac, injured arm cradled to his chest as he breathes in sharp, ragged pants. His skin is sweat slick and he looks like he's on the verge of passing out.
Jensen crouches next to him, shaking and breathless, he has to battle the urge to puke in the dirt when he gets a good look at Jared's arm. The skin already purpling with bruising and starting to swell.
"Oh no. Shit, shit, hold on. Please God, Jared. Don't close your eyes, man. Look at me! I'm going to get you some help."
Tears flood Jensen's eyes as he hastily fishes in his pocket for his cell.
J2J2J2
Jensen's been inside this hospital a grand total of three times in his life.
The first was when his baby sister was born (and at aged only four-years-old Jensen spent much of his visit playing peek a boo Bunny with his dad) the second was a year later when he was unlucky enough to get a marble stuck up his left nostril and the third was ten years ago, when Grandma Ackles died.
Jensen's grandma had always smelled of freshly baked biscuits undercut with a hint of lavender but when she died here, Jensen remembers another smell. A smell that's hard to explain unless your nose is on the receiving end of it.
Something medicinal, metallic and unpleasant.
Something that was so dissimilar to his grandmother that Jensen felt as though he'd lost her long before she was brought into the ER on a gurney.
The hospital is much as Jensen remembers it, although he thinks the walls used to be painted a peach color instead of the off-cream they are now. The nurses have changed too-less Mrs Doubtfire than the ones Jensen's memories supply.
Jared is only being treated for a broken arm but the ER waiting room is cold and impersonal and Jensen bites hard at his lip with worry.
Jensen's never felt more like a scared little boy, he holds his mom's hand and tries to reassure her that it's not her fault that Jared got hurt under her care.
Even Mackenzie is here, her mouth puckered in concentration as she taps text after text into her cell phone - no doubt keeping all her friends updated on the latest Ackles family drama.
When a nurse appears and takes them through to see Jared, Jensen can barely keep himself from running in his desperation to get there.
Jared's sitting upright on the edge of a bed, feet swinging in time. His right arm is encased in plaster from wrist to elbow. He looks up at Jensen and smiles goofily; his pupils are pinpricks so Jensen's not left in any doubt that he's doped up on pain medication.
"Hey," Jensen says, sitting next to him. He lets his hand brush Jared's knee and his arm finds its way around Jared's back. His grip tightening when Jared leans against him, resting his head sleepily on Jensen's shoulder.
Mackenzie gives Jared's cheek a chaste kiss, making gentle small talk while Jensen's mom fusses over whether or not Jared needs anything to eat or drink. She has tears in her eyes.
Hell, they all do.
J2J2J2
Jared's discharged with a bottle of pills which they give to Jensen's mom to administer.
The pills he was given at the hospital are still working well by the time they get home and when Jensen brings a glass of juice to Jared's bedroom, Jared barely acknowledges him.
Jared's lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with glassy eyes. "How are you doing?" Jensen asks, cautiously tiptoeing inside.
"'M Okay."
"Mom's made some cookies, there's two batches of choc chip and one batch of experimental ones where I think she added ketchup to the mix. It's her way of dealing with stress." Jensen explains, shuffling his feet as he sets the juice down on the nightstand. "Food therapy."
Jared rolls onto his side, turning his back to Jensen. Jared doesn't refuse cookies. Like, ever.
It's a gesture that speaks louder than words and Jensen winces at the rejection. He's pretty sure Jared isn't rejecting him, none of this is his fault, but it still stings. Poison ivy prickling his heart.
Jensen knows how strongly Jared's instincts are set for pleasing him but this is a cold shoulder that leaves Jensen chilled to the bone.
Jensen isn't Dr. Phil, heck it's not like he's qualified to psychoanalyse anyone...especially someone as extraordinary as Jared but Jensen would bet good money-in fact, he'd bet his entire earnings from mowing lawns last summer-that Jared's upset because his idealistic view of the world, of Jensen's life, has been shattered.
That ship has sailed and Jensen doesn't think there's anything he can do, even if he tried to sail it all the way back himself.
J2J2J2
Jensen stews over things for two whole days.
Monday and Tuesday at school pass in a blur. All he can think about is Jared back at home, hiding in his bedroom because of what Tom did to him. Nothing has ever eaten away at Jensen like this before, gnawing at his insides and dominating his thoughts.
By Wednesday Jared's says he's feeling much better, barely in any pain beyond a dull ache and an annoying itch deep inside his cast but he's still not ready to leave the sanctuary of the Ackles home.
He's still not ready to look Jensen in the eye without flinching.
Jensen can't bear to see Jared like this, hurting in more ways than one.
He doesn't plan any of it but maybe it's no coincidence that after dinner that same night Jensen finds himself walking to the ballpark where he knows Tom wiles away his evenings.
Tom's there, not actually shooting hoops but chatting to some tall blonde girl who Jensen thinks might be called Katie.
"Tom!"
Tom's eyes widen momentarily in surprise at the sight of Jensen. Then he's all bravado again, waving off the girl and sidling over to the court-side where Jensen is waiting for him. He's wearing a sneer, ready prepared, on his face. "What do you want?"
"Did you know that you broke Jared's arm? You broke it."
"Yeah? Well, if you're here for an apology you can forget it." Tom mutters, looking only too pleased with himself. "The kid deserved it. He was begging for a beat-down, hanging around you. When are you gonna get it Ackles? No matter what you do, no matter what parties you go to, what clothes you wear or what guys you dupe into hanging out with you...you're always going to be a loser. You're always going to be Jensen Ackles, the worthless faggot freak."
Jensen's lip curls. All of his anger-all of his fury-channels down his arm and into his hand.
His fingers itch, they curl tightly inwards towards his palm, hard enough to leave blood red half-moon crescents on his skin.
Loser, worthless, faggot, freak...
Without forethought, Jensen lifts his fist and swings. "Shut the fuck up."
It's a sloppy punch. One that hits more of Tom's ear than his cheek but Tom goes down, wrapping his arms tightly around his head to shield himself from another blow.
"I've had enough of your bullshit!" Jensen shouts, panting. "If you don't like me, if you hate the fact that I'm gay, than that's your fucking problem. Not mine...NOT mine!"
Tom doesn't say anything but the fact that he stays quiet is statement enough.
The mouse has slain the lion, but Jensen doesn't feel like celebrating his victory.
He's too sick to the stomach, too scared of himself right now and he really, really, needs to lie down.
He walks back home in a daze. The sun is setting and it's starting to rain, heavily. The sky above Jensen is a sheet of ominous gray cloud as the first few drops fall, miniature water missiles exploding as they hit the sidewalk around him.
When Jensen gets home he's soaking wet and his teeth are chattering. His head is pounding and his knuckles are red, tender, from hitting Tom.
He hit Tom. He fought back. Shit, shit, shit.
He feels strangely exposed, scraped raw to the bone and damn well scared to death by what he's done.
When his cellphone rings, Jensen stands in the dark hallway fumbling in his jacket pocket and answers it without even looking at the caller display.
"What's going on with you, man?" Chad's voice reverberates through the line. "The word on the street is that you beat up Tom Welling."
"You've heard? Already?"
"Then it is true! I saw Sophia when I was coming out of Taco Bell and she told me that Katie told her that she saw you punch Tom out. I don't believe it...you're like Crouching Tiger Hidden Jensen or something, you gotta teach me the fu dude."
"Shit, Chad. Don't even joke about it. I don't..." Jensen runs his hand through his hair as he walks into the kitchen, cellphone pressed to his ear.
"What's the matter?"
"I don't believe I did it. Everyone's going to be gossiping at school tomorrow. I bet it's all over Facebook. God, man, what am I going to do now?"
"Throw on a cape and fight high school injustice like a kick-ass superhero? Jensen, The Bully Slayer! Jen, why have you got your panties in such a twist? Shermer is going to be a cake walk for you from now on, you've got it made."
"I wish it hadn't happened." Jensen says, leaning into the freezer to get a bag of frozen peas for his hand. "My life was never this complicated before."
"You hated your life before."
"I can't be this guy, Chad. I can't. I'm not popular, I'm not kick-ass and I'm definitely not cool!" Jensen's shaking, shouting without realizing it. He doesn't even know how he's getting whole sentences out when he feels like he can't breathe. "Sometimes I wish...I wish things would go back to how they were before, before Jared came along and everything changed. I..."
Jensen stops talking when he hears a crack of thunder outside, when he turns to look out through the window he sees a reflection in the glass. A reflection of Jared standing in the entrance to the kitchen, casted arm hanging limply by his side.
Jensen spins around, mouthing hanging open in a perfect circle.
"I was trying to help you." Jared whispers, almost too softly for Jensen to hear him. He sucks in a ragged breath, trying to duck his head, to hide his face from Jensen's view but Jensen sees-can't help but see-the unmistakable flicker of hurt that tells him how fucking crushed Jared is.
Jared spares him one last broken look, then he's off and running. Long legs carrying him down the hall and out through the front door.
Jensen drops his cell onto the floor and chokes back a sob as he watches Jared leave, his only too familiar tall silhouette quickly swallowed up by the night.
Jensen wants to follow him, wants to scream that he didn't mean it, wants to turn back the clock and say a thousand different things.
But he can't. He can't even move.
Barely a fragment of time passes before the spell finally breaks. Jensen stares dumbly down at his phone, Chad's voice still faintly echoing after him as he stumbles to the door. His hands twist the bottom of his shirt as his eyes frantically rake the darkness. "Jared? JARED!"
Jensen's yells go unanswered.
It's too late for regrets. It's too late for I'm sorry's. Jared's already gone.
J2J2J2
This is reality.
Jensen's world, continuing on, without Jared in it.
Jensen spends almost every evening staring out of his bedroom window, watching raindrops trickle down the glass like he's in some cheesy Celine Dion music video.
Not even Chad can shake him out of the funk he's in. The only person that could have reached him has vanished into thin air, and the worst of it is that Jensen drove him away.
The short space of time he spent with Jared had been a dream, a perfect dream. Jensen curls into a ball under his bed-clothes, his stomach empty and cramping.
No matter how bad he feels, no matter how much he suffers right now. Jensen feels worse for Jared.
His Jared, out there somewhere, all alone.
J2J2J2
Early on Saturday morning, after two days of moping hard enough to give Isabella Swan a run for her money, Jensen's mom brings a breakfast tray up to his bedroom. A treat normally reserved for illness or birthdays.
Donna sits herself down on the edge of Jensen's bed and absently smoothes the covers with the sweeping palm of her hand She doesn't say anything at first, doesn't need to, Jensen never could hide his emotions from her.
It's then that the dam finally breaks and Jensen cries himself dry.
His tears form growing wet patches on his mom's blouse while she strokes his hair and gently croons to him in the way only a mother truly can. "Oh sweetie. It'll be okay."
But it won't.
It won't ever be okay again.
J2J2J2
Jensen spends three long, nightmare, months searching but he can't find Jared anywhere. There's no paper trail, no cell phone GPS to trace, no forwarding address, not even a birth certificate.
For all intents and purposes, Jared Padalecki never existed.
Jensen's parents worry about Jared as much as their son. Jensen tries to convince his mom that Jared's exchange period had simply come to an end and it was time for him to go back to Poland but she's clearly hurt. Unable to understand how someone as kind and thoughtful as Jared would leave so suddenly, without even saying goodbye.
As days become weeks and weeks become months, Jensen does a patch up job on the weeping wound in his heart but he knows it'll never fully heal.
He knows there will always be pain residing there.
A few weeks after graduation, when Jensen is packing for college, Chad comes to visit him. It'll be awhile before they see each-other again. Jensen is bound for university in New York while Chad has chosen to stay in Texas, studying drama at a local college of performing arts.
Chad doesn't say much, just holds out a screwed up ball of paper which Jensen eyes suspiciously. "What's that?"
"Just look at it."
Unfolding the paper is something of a lucky dip, knowing Chad's sense of humor as well as Jensen does there's a chance it could be something god-awful nasty. Maybe it's something Chad blew his nose on or used to mop himself up with after a spanking the monkey session.
Ewwwww.
Throwing caution to the wind, Jensen's curiosity wins out and while still crouched down on the floor over his open suitcase he carefully smoothes the crumpled paper out on his bent knee. Surprised to find that it's a page from one of his old school books. More specifically, it's his very first sketch of Jared. The black lines of faded pencil markings that set the whole ball rolling.
"Where'd you find this?"
"Jared left it in my post-box, the night he left...I think...I think he wanted me to give it to you."
"You've held on to it, all this time? Why didn't you give it to me sooner? Like months ago, Chad!"
"Would you have listened to me if I had? Would you have paid attention to what Jared's been trying to get you to understand?"
Jensen stares hard at the paper, pursing his lips he turns it over in his hands and notices that there's some writing on the back. There, scribbled on one dog-eared corner it reads,
It's not who you are that holds you back in life, it's who you think you're not.
Jesus.
Jared wrote those words. Jensen knows it like he knows the sky is blue and the Earth is round. He closes his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose.
It's like hearing Jared's voice again.
"Maybe this is too hard for you to understand but we've been friends a long time so I'm going to cut the crap and tell it to you straight." Chad mutters, crouching down next to Jensen. "You know I don't give a shit about what people say about me, I never have, but I've always cared what they say about you, Jen." Chad pauses to take a breath, he reaches out and grabs Jensen's arm shaking it firmly. "It's time you stopped believing all the bullshit and started believing the truth."
"What truth?" Jensen asks, his voice reduces to a rasp.
"You're not a loser, Jensen. You never have been. You've just always had it stuck in your head, like freakin' superglued in there, that you were." Chad flicks at Jensen's forehead once, making a dull thunk sound. Jensen clutches the paper in his hand and nods numbly. "Now can we please cut this Brokeback crap and go and chug some beer because I can feel my balls shrinking?"
Jensen laughs softly and right then, right there, he makes himself a promise.
He resolves to get has his old self back. To bring back the person Jared had tried so hard to nurture and nourish.
But no matter what Jensen does, he still won't have Jared.
J2J2J2
By the time Jensen has started his freshman year at college, his life is better than it's ever been.
Except that it's really, really, not.
College is exciting and challenging and most importantly of all, it's new. Jensen's chosen subject is computer technology. There'd been a small part of him that never wanted to touch a computer keyboard again but it's what he knows and what he's good at and in the end, Jensen couldn't turn his back on it.
The college has a Gay and Lesbian Club that Jensen joins after some deliberation. He has friends, he socializes and enjoys his studies but nobody sees the sadness behind his eyes or realises that there's a gaping void in his chest where his heart should be.
There's been no word on Jared in all this time and yet, Jensen won't-can't-get over him. He's not stopped looking but every new lead reaches dead end after dead end.
If he goes to parties, Jensen nearly always ends up sitting alone, drunk. On the stairs or on the hard wooden steps of the porch. One time, he even found his place of solitude sitting on the dewy grass in the garden outside, no matter that it was freezing, cold enough that Jensen could hear his own teeth chattering.
Whenever he's alone like that, Jensen digs his folded sketch of Jared out of his wallet, smoothing the creases with tender loving care. These are the times that Jensen feels worse than ever. Fuzzy-headed and missing Jared so intensely he feels sick from it.
He doesn't sleep so well sometimes because at night Jensen can't escape his guilt or blot it out with alcohol. At night Jared invades his dreams.
They're not always nice dreams either; more often than not they're nightmares about Jared all alone, wandering dark sinister streets too dirtied for his radiance. Or worse, that he's dead, an unclaimed unidentified body on a mortuary slab. His once bronzed glowing skin turned cold and blue.
One of the most frequent nightmares Jensen has is about Jared ceasing to exist altogether, going back to whatever or wherever the hell he was before.
Cast out into nothingness is by far the most terrible thing Jensen can imagine for Jared.
It makes no sense at all then, that Jared should come back into Jensen's life when he's least expecting it.
J2J2J2
Jensen's relaxing in a coffee shop on campus that is practically his second home. He has a nice-sized dorm room which he shares with a loveable hippy guy called Misha of all things (not that Jensen wants to start judging people for being cursed with strange first names) but there's something about this coffee shop that Jensen likes.
The staff are friendly and know him well enough by now that he's on first-name terms with all of them and the place has a good vibe, welcoming and homely. It's an added bonus that it serves the best coffee he's tasted since leaving home.
Jensen's leafing through a copy of The Great Gatsby, killing time before his next lecture, when the bell above the door tinkles. It's quiet this morning, only Jensen and a handful of other customers getting a much need caffeine kick and he glances up absent-mindedly, simply reacting to the gentle sound of the bell.
Jensen does a double-take, loses his place in his book as it drops from his hands.
It's Jared.
Jared is standing in the doorway, a heavy navy-blue holdall in one hand, the other wrapped in a simple cream colored brace is holding his coat closed against the bite of the crisp air outside.
Jensen doesn't know whether to laugh or cry but his jaw definitely hits the tabletop. Seeing Jared again revives the old ache in his chest and the pain is dagger sharp. Jensen swallows loudly as the heavy stone in the pit of his stomach shifts.
Jared looks different. It's only been a handful of months since Jensen last laid eyes on him but now Jared look's thinner and worn-out-like a small ship battered and bruised, thrown around by a storm at sea.
He's looks unhappy and when their eyes meet Jared's desolate expression changes, then he looks exactly like Jensen feels, fucking freaked to all hell.
From across the room, Jensen can't hear Jared's voice but he can see Jared's lips move and his eyes track one word, "Master."
It's enough. It's everything and more.
Jensen lurches out of his chair, his feet moving on autopilot. Carrying him towards Jared with surprising propulsion. It's a minor miracle that he doesn't send them both flying through the cafe's plate-glass window as he crashes into Jared, hauling him into a bone-breaking hug.
Jensen presses his face to Jared's chest and breathes deep as Jared's arms tentatively rise to wrap around him. Until they are hugging him back, just as fiercely. Jensen's head is spinning, he's so fucking relieved he almost forgets to be angry.
Almost.
"What the fuck?" Jensen gasps, stepping back. "What the fucking fuck?" It's not exactly an intelligible question but it's the best he can manage with Jared staring at him. Those hazel eyes dismantling him, bit by bit, breaking Jensen apart before putting him back together again.
Jared's breathing heavily, he reaches out and grips Jensen's arm, apparently needing the contact. "Let's sit down. I think-I think I need to sit down."
Jared waves over a waitress and orders himself a large cup of house blend, Jensen's own coffee is almost stone cold. Not that he gives a damn right now considering who is sitting across the table from him.
"Where did you go? Where've you been? Did you go back..." Jensen says, floundering as he struggles to explain, "...inside a computer?"
"No," Jared answers, eyeballing Jensen like he's nuts for even suggesting it. "I hitchhiked, I only got as far as San Antonio but I faked an ID and got a job working behind a bar."
"You were in San Antonio? All this time?" A few miles, Jensen's brain supplies helpfully. Jared's been living only a few miles from Jensen's home. Jensen shakes his head in disbelief.
"It was pretty sucky, the place was a dive and the pay stunk." Jared says, "I didn't like it." He adds, "I wasn't happy."
"How'd you find me?" Jensen asks.
"I wanted to come back sooner but I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me or not. In the end, I decided I had to find out. I had to know. So, I bought a bus ticket." Jared's biting at the inside of his cheek, looking increasingly undecided as to whether or not he thinks Jensen is going to tell him to go away again. "When I got to your house, Mac told me that you were away at college in New York. She and Chad pooled some money and booked me onto the next flight. Your roommate, Misha? He told me you have some weird caffeine addiction and practically live in here...so here I am."
"Here you are," Jensen repeats, taking a slug of cold coffee and wishing to God it had some whisky in it.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No!" The word all but wrenched out of Jensen's throat and he lets out a pent-up breath. "No," He repeats, aiming for somewhere due-south of calm and collected. "I said some shitty things, things that weren't true..."
"You were upset, I never should have left. I didn't even write to let you know I was okay. Jensen, I'm so sorry."
Jensen rubs at his eyes. Jared's back, Jared's here in front of him and it's the only thing that matters. He can't let Jared slip through his fingers again. He won't.
"If you ever leave me again, I swear to God I will die." Jensen starts to reach out, his hand hovers stupidly in mid-air above the sugar bowl before he leans forward and curls it around Jared's slim wrist.
He can feel the thump of Jared's pulse against the pads of his fingers and it's like an affirmation of his existance. It's incredible.
"I won't. I don't want you to die, Jensen." Jared mops a stray tear away from his cheek. "I won't leave again, I promise I won't. I've missed you, I've missed you so badly."
"I can't begin to comprehend how you came into my life but I know now that I can't be without you. I can't go back to being just Jensen again..." Jensen falters, his words growing more stilted and he lifts his arms frustrated with himself. "I can't go back to being just Jensen again," he tries for a second time, eyes growing moist, "because you belong with me."
"You're beautiful, Jensen."
Jensen swallows as he reaches out to touch Jared's cheek, smiling softly as Jared nuzzles into his palm. "You know, you've told me that before."
"But you didn't believe me then."
"Now I hear it and I do. I really do."
Jensen closes his mouth over Jared's, sighing with pleasure when Jared kisses him back, Jared's lips moving downwards to leave a burning trail over Jensen's neck. It takes awhile for them to separate. The low hum of noise in the coffee shop slowly filtering back into Jensen's awareness and making him lean back in his seat, face flushed and eyes lowered.
He stirs his coffee a few more times than absolutely necessary.
There's something niggling at the back of Jensen's brain. An itch that's been bothering him for so long it's a miracle it's taken him until now to give it a voice. "I made you. What if I made you want to be with me? What if I made you love me?"
Jared licks his lips thoughtfully, "You did make me." He nods and Jensen's heart sinks like a frozen lump of ice zapped by a stray bolt from the Snow Queen's wand.
"But the fact that I want you, that I love you." Jared smiles. "That's all on me."
Jensen is ready with endless poetic declarations about how much he returns Jared's love tenfold but Jared leans in and teases Jensen's lips apart with his tongue and Jensen, well, Jensen's brain short-circuits entirely.
~the end~
And yet, it's kinda just the beginning....
Weird Science Author's Note: You know the moment when a movie ends, the titles roll and a song kicks in? Well, if that were the case here, right now you'd be listening to this song. Throughout writing, Sunrise Avenue's 'All Because Of You' became the fic's unofficial theme tune, it put me in the 'Weird Science' zone and made me think of Jensen & his beloved Jared.
Before I go, I just want to say thanks so much for joining me on this helluva ride. I gotta say, I would have been pretty lonesome without you. Thank you for reading.
Blue-and bloodshot-eyedliz, 17th June 2011.