Been Nearly A Month
It’s been almost a month since my mom passed. It doesn’t feel like it. Time is strange like that though, seeming to pass quickly and slowly simultaneously.
I miss my mom and think about her all the time. I regret not talking to her more but I suppose that’s normal. After she had a stroke over a decade ago, her personality changed and it became very difficult to communicate with her at times and to fully understand what she was trying to say. It was frustrating for all of us but I can only imagine what it was like for her. I’d like to think I didn’t treat her any differently but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. Even if I had the opportunity to go back in time I don’t think I’d do anything differently because that’s who I was in those moments. The only thing I would change is how often I talked to her & visited her. I know I told her I loved her whenever we spoke and I tried to always be supportive, though at times she probably interpreted what I said as me being critical.
My mom was a very good person, always kind to others, and always smiling and laughing. Not to say she didn’t have her personal challenges and mental obstacles because she certainly did. My parents divorce destroyed her and she never really recovered. She and I shared that in common and I think the time right after the divorce when I was there for her gave us a bond that my other siblings didn’t have with her.
Looking back I am very grateful that I was able to live with her in Placerville for a couple years right after my suicide attempt. Unlike dad, she was very supportive and understanding about where I was at and patient with me, giving me the opportunity to truly get back on my feet and get my life back in some semblance of order. Whenever I saw her after that I would tell her that she literally saved my life and I’d be dead if she hadn’t helped me and given me a place to be. I felt like we were partners at that time and supported each other. I cleaned her house and stacked the firewood. It feels like just moments ago but that was more than twenty years ago.
I think I should be more upset but I’ve never really been one to cry. I cried a little bit the day my brother told me about her passing. I was texting with Matt DeRyk and briefly got very emotional, but since then I haven’t had any moments like that. My sister said she has, especially when going through mom’s things and trying to figure out what to keep and what to donate. That’s what they are doing this week - Anna and Brandon are both at my sister’s house going through her boxes of photos and other stuff. I was going to go too but I want to make sure I can be there for the celebration of my mom’s life.
Going to wrap this up before LJ deletes this post.