New running shoes.
Not sure if this is worth the read...its kinda just my life right now,
So because this weekend at WSU was Mom's weekend...my mom came to visit me. We went shoping and all that jazz. But most important we talked about last yeat. She was very against me comming back home to Bremerton. Until I explained to her a few things. Like I've never been so depressed in my life. So withdrawn from people and school work. I don't even get it. She basically thought that I was ruining my life by not saying at WSU. I explained to her that they're other places to get a degress and its not like in droping out forever. She kept insisting that I should still stay and I started crying and I told her how selfish I thought she was for insisting that I stay. I mean I understood where she was comming from but somthing has to change I should have came home at semester. So I poured my heart out to her until she started crying and telling me how unhappy she was with her life. How we have no money because Chuck's trying to start a busniess. How she is stuck with Paul because he is retarted. How we have 4 crazy dogs that mess everything up. How nothing ever gets done around the house. She says she can't complain to Chuck because she doesnt want him to complain to her. I wish they were more open and could solves promlems in a healthy manner. It really hurt to see her hurt. So she ended up saying that if I help her then she will support me comming home. Meaning spending time at home and with her. Sure...because I need her too. I don't even know who my friends are these days. Evan drives me insane with his unreasonable thinking, his new lying spree, being drunk or high all the time. And yet he acts like we are together (except for the fact HE can do whatever he wants) be refuses to be with me. He is not enough I am too much, i deserve better and he isnt good enough for me. So as of now I'm trying not to talk to him. I wish I could walk away for good. The thing is he actually has some good points of not being together. Like he needs to focus on getting his life back together by getting a job and money so he has something to offer me. But where does this leave me??? Still unhappy without his ass. Because he hasent been being even a good freind lately. And hes my bestfriend, maybe my only real friend, and all this...really has me feeling all alone. And now I'm running home, becasue I dont know what else to do.
So, Im going to start working full time at my old job. Not sure if i will go to OC or if I will just take a year off and go back to WSU next year. (because students are allowed 2-3 semesters off) But I DO really wanna get my own place so desperatly. Just not sure with who, how or where.
Everything is really up in the air now...and sometimes I just wish I could like do drugs or something to take away the pain, the hurt, the worry, reality away. But I don't...and I won't. Things will get better of course. It only goes up from here, i hope.
So when talking to my advisor about leaving...she said she knew what I was going through and she wasnt going to ask me to stay. She could tell by looking at me how depresssed I was. She said she suggested a counslor when I get back home. I think that sounds kinda nice. I really dont want to get back on another anti depressent.
My grades are horrible this semester...everything went down hill in January. I know its a pathetic excuse but that's when Evan and Natalie happened and it totally turned my world upside down...and nothing has been the same.
But Ill be home in less then 3 weeks for good. Hopefully I'll see you guys around.
And if you wonder why I'm staying you'll know.
....
So because this weekend at WSU was Mom's weekend...my mom came to visit me. We went shoping and all that jazz. But most important we talked about last yeat. She was very against me comming back home to Bremerton. Until I explained to her a few things. Like I've never been so depressed in my life. So withdrawn from people and school work. I don't even get it. She basically thought that I was ruining my life by not saying at WSU. I explained to her that they're other places to get a degress and its not like in droping out forever. She kept insisting that I should still stay and I started crying and I told her how selfish I thought she was for insisting that I stay. I mean I understood where she was comming from but somthing has to change I should have came home at semester. So I poured my heart out to her until she started crying and telling me how unhappy she was with her life. How we have no money because Chuck's trying to start a busniess. How she is stuck with Paul because he is retarted. How we have 4 crazy dogs that mess everything up. How nothing ever gets done around the house. She says she can't complain to Chuck because she doesnt want him to complain to her. I wish they were more open and could solves promlems in a healthy manner. It really hurt to see her hurt. So she ended up saying that if I help her then she will support me comming home. Meaning spending time at home and with her. Sure...because I need her too. I don't even know who my friends are these days. Evan drives me insane with his unreasonable thinking, his new lying spree, being drunk or high all the time. And yet he acts like we are together (except for the fact HE can do whatever he wants) be refuses to be with me. He is not enough I am too much, i deserve better and he isnt good enough for me. So as of now I'm trying not to talk to him. I wish I could walk away for good. The thing is he actually has some good points of not being together. Like he needs to focus on getting his life back together by getting a job and money so he has something to offer me. But where does this leave me??? Still unhappy without his ass. Because he hasent been being even a good freind lately. And hes my bestfriend, maybe my only real friend, and all this...really has me feeling all alone. And now I'm running home, becasue I dont know what else to do.
So, Im going to start working full time at my old job. Not sure if i will go to OC or if I will just take a year off and go back to WSU next year. (because students are allowed 2-3 semesters off) But I DO really wanna get my own place so desperatly. Just not sure with who, how or where.
Everything is really up in the air now...and sometimes I just wish I could like do drugs or something to take away the pain, the hurt, the worry, reality away. But I don't...and I won't. Things will get better of course. It only goes up from here, i hope.
So when talking to my advisor about leaving...she said she knew what I was going through and she wasnt going to ask me to stay. She could tell by looking at me how depresssed I was. She said she suggested a counslor when I get back home. I think that sounds kinda nice. I really dont want to get back on another anti depressent.
My grades are horrible this semester...everything went down hill in January. I know its a pathetic excuse but that's when Evan and Natalie happened and it totally turned my world upside down...and nothing has been the same.
But Ill be home in less then 3 weeks for good. Hopefully I'll see you guys around.
And if you wonder why I'm staying you'll know.
....