(no subject)
I want to make art for the rest of my life, and I need to find some way to allow for this (both in regards to time and finances).
I mean, I could work a million hours, but then feel burned out and it's just not condusive when you're trying to create something; even simple scribbles benefit from my having had some sort of mental break. I see the way my bosses work themselves into the ground, and all I can think is, "goddamn, I don't want that." I don't want to spend my life putting off the things I want to do to fulfil other's expectations, and I don't want to feel selfish for wanting this.
I mean, look at people, why would anyone want that? Few things really get to me in terms of unadulturated anxiety, but the thought of spending years, possibly my whole life, chained to something monotonous and soul-crushing feels like walking on the edge of a cliff. I'm tired of feeling tired and frustrated with my lack of direction; similar to the one other instance of just knowing what I wanted on the deepest level I can really recognize, I'm just too timid to go out and do it, damn the consequences.
The current plan is to finish the bachelor's (despite my misgivings as to the discipline, but I'm so damn close and it would disappoint the family so much, leading back to my earlier statement) and then figure out how I am going to acheive this. There is a way, and I will find it.
But so much of me just wants to be done with school and academia and papers and student loans and financial aid and feeling trapped and automated all the time. So much of me just wants to do what I believe I was put here to do, regardless of my actual belief (or lack thereof) in fate. It's like I can see the edge of the cliff already. I'm really struggling to feel better about doing the more practical things first, I just feel like I'm losing time very quickly and will never get to do the things that I would actually like to; like my legacy will consist of mediocre grades and the record for longest-held employment at my current job. It's not imminent death I fear, just imminently slipping into a comfortable, unfulfilling existence.
/first world problems, apparently.
And I think I want to take you under my wing. I'm not a terribly protective or nurturing or caring person, but you're a good kid and need a break. I think I could do that for you, yes.
I mean, I could work a million hours, but then feel burned out and it's just not condusive when you're trying to create something; even simple scribbles benefit from my having had some sort of mental break. I see the way my bosses work themselves into the ground, and all I can think is, "goddamn, I don't want that." I don't want to spend my life putting off the things I want to do to fulfil other's expectations, and I don't want to feel selfish for wanting this.
I mean, look at people, why would anyone want that? Few things really get to me in terms of unadulturated anxiety, but the thought of spending years, possibly my whole life, chained to something monotonous and soul-crushing feels like walking on the edge of a cliff. I'm tired of feeling tired and frustrated with my lack of direction; similar to the one other instance of just knowing what I wanted on the deepest level I can really recognize, I'm just too timid to go out and do it, damn the consequences.
The current plan is to finish the bachelor's (despite my misgivings as to the discipline, but I'm so damn close and it would disappoint the family so much, leading back to my earlier statement) and then figure out how I am going to acheive this. There is a way, and I will find it.
But so much of me just wants to be done with school and academia and papers and student loans and financial aid and feeling trapped and automated all the time. So much of me just wants to do what I believe I was put here to do, regardless of my actual belief (or lack thereof) in fate. It's like I can see the edge of the cliff already. I'm really struggling to feel better about doing the more practical things first, I just feel like I'm losing time very quickly and will never get to do the things that I would actually like to; like my legacy will consist of mediocre grades and the record for longest-held employment at my current job. It's not imminent death I fear, just imminently slipping into a comfortable, unfulfilling existence.
/first world problems, apparently.
And I think I want to take you under my wing. I'm not a terribly protective or nurturing or caring person, but you're a good kid and need a break. I think I could do that for you, yes.