(no subject)
growing up, a person on the outside looking at my life could notice a consistent pattern of behavior with respect to certain things.
1. I was always a happy bubbly child
2. I was always dancing about indoors or out
3. how easily i would become bored with things and needed to take up something new.
after many years of reflection number three on the list phrased another, more realistic way is: i used to quit doing things and started other things.
i always would read books either half or three quarters through and then put them down.
I quit playing piano because i couldnt take the verbal abuse from my dad about it, i quit dance, cause my mom really couldnt afford it as a single mom, and the studio in ventura was not the same as the one I had been going to since I was four in Malibu. but i never really insisted or tried to make it work.
i quit swimming in high school
i quit trying in school half way through each semester/quarter since I can remember.
i think was the most commitment phobic child out of my friends and family, although I may be exaggerating a bit here, its pretty true. And the irony of it all is I always encourage my younger sister, close cousins, and friends to not be quitters, to not give up.
i start things and I dont finish them.
Law school brought out this ubber competitive edge in me, I wanted to flush the old-Me down the drain and become what I always wanted to be, the version of myself where I was a finisher and not a quitter. I no longer wanted to hide behind the stigma of my daddy issues to excuse this behavior. "Oh shes a commitment phobe because her dad walked out on her, so thats why she cant ever fully commit to anything, be it what she is working on, or her realtionships." Since childhood, I have very few friends that I still talk to, cant seem to keep them around either.
I wanted to change all that, so I went to the opposite extreme. I dont know if it is because I am a fire sign or what but everything is either hot and cold. So now I have opposite problem, I never seem to finish things not because I quite them early, but because I delay reaching the end conclusion. Its like I am afraid of what will be left there at the end. Its like part of me is doomed to thinking I am incapable of finishing, even the most mundane tasks. But it has turned into more than that, it is a need to keep up the appearance of everything being under control and looking like I can finally compete with the big dogs (not only in school but in life) and its eating up part of my soul I fear.
What I mean is, when things maybe no longer are working in certain aspects, I do not want to quit or stop beucase I spent so much of my life quitting, that I think I am being predicable. I have no concept of balance, when do I say stop, ive had enough, and when do I know I am throwing in the towel too early and not giving myself the real chance.
One of the things I was old in therapy is that I am responsible for my own drowning. The amount of pressure I am putting on myself not only has made the physical panic attacks worse since childhood, but Ive lost sight of who I am. I have become fixated with not quitting, with trying to be so damn perfect all the time, with doing the right things because I felt like I have fucked up so much of my life that its bloody overwhelming now. Sometimes I dont even know who I am anymore. I feel lost and torn between trying to prove that I can do something, or be someone, and believing in myself that I really can. I thought mid life crisis was supposed to happen mid-life, not at 26.
The worst part is, I feel so alone. I feel like I cant share this with the people I care about because they will just think Im bitching or sobbing, or worse "its normal to be nutz in law school and loose perspective." try loosing your soul, hows that for some perspective. Its funny I never understood why people said lawyers are jerks, assholes who dont care, etc. insert your favorite strerotype here, but I realized that we all start out normal, trying to do good in the world, wanting to help the people who are voiceless and cant represent themselves out in the world. How we come out in the end, not so pretty. They mold you into becoming a numb soulless being. Now I understand this may offend some of my fellow law friends on here, but it is my blog and these are merely my feelings, so please bare with me and spare me the lecture thanks. But its how I feel, ok that description was a bit harsh but I feel that they remove our dreams, emotions, hopes and aspirations from us because lawyers have power and people with power are not supposed to feel or something messed up like that. And its not just school, thats only a piece of the complicated drowning puzzle, although it represents a fairly large piece. I dont know, all I know is I dont know who I am anymore. And I dont know how to stop and say Ive had enough.
1. I was always a happy bubbly child
2. I was always dancing about indoors or out
3. how easily i would become bored with things and needed to take up something new.
after many years of reflection number three on the list phrased another, more realistic way is: i used to quit doing things and started other things.
i always would read books either half or three quarters through and then put them down.
I quit playing piano because i couldnt take the verbal abuse from my dad about it, i quit dance, cause my mom really couldnt afford it as a single mom, and the studio in ventura was not the same as the one I had been going to since I was four in Malibu. but i never really insisted or tried to make it work.
i quit swimming in high school
i quit trying in school half way through each semester/quarter since I can remember.
i think was the most commitment phobic child out of my friends and family, although I may be exaggerating a bit here, its pretty true. And the irony of it all is I always encourage my younger sister, close cousins, and friends to not be quitters, to not give up.
i start things and I dont finish them.
Law school brought out this ubber competitive edge in me, I wanted to flush the old-Me down the drain and become what I always wanted to be, the version of myself where I was a finisher and not a quitter. I no longer wanted to hide behind the stigma of my daddy issues to excuse this behavior. "Oh shes a commitment phobe because her dad walked out on her, so thats why she cant ever fully commit to anything, be it what she is working on, or her realtionships." Since childhood, I have very few friends that I still talk to, cant seem to keep them around either.
I wanted to change all that, so I went to the opposite extreme. I dont know if it is because I am a fire sign or what but everything is either hot and cold. So now I have opposite problem, I never seem to finish things not because I quite them early, but because I delay reaching the end conclusion. Its like I am afraid of what will be left there at the end. Its like part of me is doomed to thinking I am incapable of finishing, even the most mundane tasks. But it has turned into more than that, it is a need to keep up the appearance of everything being under control and looking like I can finally compete with the big dogs (not only in school but in life) and its eating up part of my soul I fear.
What I mean is, when things maybe no longer are working in certain aspects, I do not want to quit or stop beucase I spent so much of my life quitting, that I think I am being predicable. I have no concept of balance, when do I say stop, ive had enough, and when do I know I am throwing in the towel too early and not giving myself the real chance.
One of the things I was old in therapy is that I am responsible for my own drowning. The amount of pressure I am putting on myself not only has made the physical panic attacks worse since childhood, but Ive lost sight of who I am. I have become fixated with not quitting, with trying to be so damn perfect all the time, with doing the right things because I felt like I have fucked up so much of my life that its bloody overwhelming now. Sometimes I dont even know who I am anymore. I feel lost and torn between trying to prove that I can do something, or be someone, and believing in myself that I really can. I thought mid life crisis was supposed to happen mid-life, not at 26.
The worst part is, I feel so alone. I feel like I cant share this with the people I care about because they will just think Im bitching or sobbing, or worse "its normal to be nutz in law school and loose perspective." try loosing your soul, hows that for some perspective. Its funny I never understood why people said lawyers are jerks, assholes who dont care, etc. insert your favorite strerotype here, but I realized that we all start out normal, trying to do good in the world, wanting to help the people who are voiceless and cant represent themselves out in the world. How we come out in the end, not so pretty. They mold you into becoming a numb soulless being. Now I understand this may offend some of my fellow law friends on here, but it is my blog and these are merely my feelings, so please bare with me and spare me the lecture thanks. But its how I feel, ok that description was a bit harsh but I feel that they remove our dreams, emotions, hopes and aspirations from us because lawyers have power and people with power are not supposed to feel or something messed up like that. And its not just school, thats only a piece of the complicated drowning puzzle, although it represents a fairly large piece. I dont know, all I know is I dont know who I am anymore. And I dont know how to stop and say Ive had enough.