(no subject)

[bluedevilkid]

Wow i guess it has been awhile since ive been on here, but i need it as an outlet right now. This week has been shit. i feel like i got cockslapped, but not in a good way. It seems that all the plans ive made for the next upcoming months and my departure from Columbus is falling through. Since ive finally decided on a major, i realize that Ohio State really isn't the best home for me. The program here is very competitive and i have absolutely no experience next to these kids. with that said, i planned on attending Akron where there is a smaller program and i could focus more. Well i had been planning on moving in with my friend Natalie since it would be cheeper. Now that has fallen through. And apparently we have had a falling out this week. Easily fixed i guess but still a burden. At the same time i got dumped last night for reasons im not even sure of. I can deal with that thats ok, but it takes me back to the time when we first started seeing each other back in november. He came into my life as the person i care the most about passed away. Having him there really got me through it, now that he is gone i feel like my security blanket has gone up in flames. I feel so exposed like i could start bawling at any moment. i just miss her so much and i could never imagine my life without her. with him gone, i realize this even more. When she passed away i never really gave myself a grieving period. I jumped into everything i could possibly get myself into to keep me busy. To focus on the things in my life that were positive and not sad. my friendship with Natalie and Bryan was one of those things. He was a positive. Now i just feel like i have all these negative things going on that are over powering the possitives. Today I kept having these flashbacks to the hospital and everything that went down. As hard as i try to sleep, i just keep waking up in these weird sweats. maybe im getting sick or something. Its really creepin the fuck out of me. Im not sure what it means. I've been trying to front it all day, but have been failing miserably. On top of that, I feel like i dont have my best friend to talk to. The thought of her mad at me kills me. i know she has more important things going on, but still just to hear her voice always seems to make things right. I feel exhausted and tomorrow isn't looking good either. I hope i can just have a good cry and get it over with. Not so much for Bryan, cause i know that our friendship will be just fine, but maybe for the closure ive yet to give myself. maybe that will make me feel better.
Good nite LJ world. Thanks for the rant