I lost
I havent been on liveournal in forever. I feel like I have no where else to turn to right now.
I just lost the love of my life. She left me. Its totally my fault. I fucked up real big time and I can never forgive myself for what I did. All I have been doing for the past 24 hours is crying. I dont know what else to do. I just dont know what to do. I cant even keep my composure long enough to leave my bedroom. I have been in a few significant relationships but this one with her was all I ever wanted and more. I thought I never needed anyone, that I would be completely self sufficient on my own. Dont get me wrong I am, always was,& always will be a strong independent woman, but now that she is not in my life I feel like a big chunk of my being, my soul, my life has been torn from me. I think I'd feel better if I was a double amputee or something. Its the worst feeling in the world. What hurts more than anything is knowing that I hurt her. I broke her heart, and her trust in me. I broke my own heart, too.
I guess its true when they say "You dont really know what you had until its gone" The love that she shared with me was beyond anything I ever could have imagined, and I would do anything to share that again with her. She says she needs time if any, but I am so afraid that this is it. That she will walk away and and not look back, and forget who I am. I know that there is no one else out there like her. I dont think I can ever recover from this pain enough to even look at someone else in that way.
I mean, we were serious. Real serious. talk of marriage and old age serious. I was so ready for that with her. We wanted to eventually move out west together, get married where ever it is legal, get a green motorcycle with a sidecar and cruise the highways. I even just put her as my primary beneficiary on my 401K. Oh, not to mention I quit my job of almost 4 years in complete confidence that I was going to devote my time to fix us. I dont even care about quitting, jobs are replacable, but she isnt. She was and is so precious to me.
I cant believe I fucked up tremendously. I will never forgive myself for this. Ever. All I can do right now is grieve, and hope that one day she will come back. Until than, I am going to write everyday. Every passing day I will write until she comes back into my life again, or I stop hurting. Which ever comes first...
I just lost the love of my life. She left me. Its totally my fault. I fucked up real big time and I can never forgive myself for what I did. All I have been doing for the past 24 hours is crying. I dont know what else to do. I just dont know what to do. I cant even keep my composure long enough to leave my bedroom. I have been in a few significant relationships but this one with her was all I ever wanted and more. I thought I never needed anyone, that I would be completely self sufficient on my own. Dont get me wrong I am, always was,& always will be a strong independent woman, but now that she is not in my life I feel like a big chunk of my being, my soul, my life has been torn from me. I think I'd feel better if I was a double amputee or something. Its the worst feeling in the world. What hurts more than anything is knowing that I hurt her. I broke her heart, and her trust in me. I broke my own heart, too.
I guess its true when they say "You dont really know what you had until its gone" The love that she shared with me was beyond anything I ever could have imagined, and I would do anything to share that again with her. She says she needs time if any, but I am so afraid that this is it. That she will walk away and and not look back, and forget who I am. I know that there is no one else out there like her. I dont think I can ever recover from this pain enough to even look at someone else in that way.
I mean, we were serious. Real serious. talk of marriage and old age serious. I was so ready for that with her. We wanted to eventually move out west together, get married where ever it is legal, get a green motorcycle with a sidecar and cruise the highways. I even just put her as my primary beneficiary on my 401K. Oh, not to mention I quit my job of almost 4 years in complete confidence that I was going to devote my time to fix us. I dont even care about quitting, jobs are replacable, but she isnt. She was and is so precious to me.
I cant believe I fucked up tremendously. I will never forgive myself for this. Ever. All I can do right now is grieve, and hope that one day she will come back. Until than, I am going to write everyday. Every passing day I will write until she comes back into my life again, or I stop hurting. Which ever comes first...