4 months and counting
It's been 4 months (since I initiated contact).
Last time I bothered to keep track, I lasted 3 months and so many days. I'll postpone congratulating myself until I stop counting months and just be over you, over this futile cycle of reality checks and desperate wishes (for something I won't get).
Last time, I tried staying away by avoiding triggers that would make me think of you. Fat chance, since the memory of you is so intertwined with a plethora of other things that I enjoy and people that I like. Case in point, I been getting coffee from the same place even before we even met, why should the 50 or so times that we shared coffee from that place overpower the 1000 or so other instances. Should I settle for substandard coffee or even give it up altogether just to move on? I can't. I won't.
But I have high hopes this time. I need to figure out what I did (and am doing) that seems to be working (for next time, because really, I have type, and it's not happy or easy). I think this time I managed to overwrite the connections of some triggers. Now, coffee is about forcing my team to help collect stars or collecting card designs. And maybe, it also helps that I've been so busy and the people I spend time with know practically nothing about you. Let's face it, audience comments and reactions play a part in building and wrecking hope (feelings). Maybe, it's even the 4 months of no alcohol; it's not even about lowering my inhibitions, I just need an excuse and alcohol, even a tiny amount, is an easy one.
I wish someone else would catch my attention (oh, that would make things so much easier), someone real and convenient (in so far as access is concerned). But I'm too lazy to put myself out there and really, I only have a vague clue how. I need a push but I wonder if I'd welcome it should a push does happen.
In any case, what I'm learning (and working on) is how to prioritize myself... to be happy by myself... to love myself.