Amelie
i just watched Amelie for the first time
and I think it was quite possibly one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen.
foreign films are (almost) always so good.
so pleasing and yet it left me feeling...hope...and...emptiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in other news. I am angry with pete. he only talks to me when he's depressed. when he's happy, he hangs out with all his other friends. when he's depressed he cries to me all night on the telephone. he thinks im trying to say no one but me has a right to be depressed or sad. he couldn't be more wrong. he had the very same complaint about me not long ago. "you only call me when you're depressed" he'd say.
and i'd reply, "well according to you, pete, all i ever am is depressed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i thought i wanted love.
i thought i wanted a companion.
now i know
i just want to be left alone.
Amelie lived nice and quiet with her cat in a pretty little apartment and had a very low stress job. and she was happy.
even before she started on her mission to make others happy.
she wasn't happy through and through...she was lonely. but she was still content.
i just want to be somewhere alone. where i can't hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone.
i would miss my family.
but it's better for everyone i think.
off and away and alone.
i want to go sleep in my grandmothers bed with her but my presence would keep her up all night, and she has work tomorrow. when i was little, i slept in her bed with her on the weekends when i visited.
the pillows on her bed smell always of her perfume,
or the downey dryer sheets she uses.
sometimes i get scared when i lay next to her. she is so tiny. i can't curl up small against her anymore.
i think i was probably the happiest when i was an infant, and everyone was always holding me.
i always felt like mom was scared to hold me when i got older. she was afraid i'd hurdle into her and hurt her.
the other day their dog jumped up on her lap and nuzzled right up close to her and i said, "you know if i was more of a basket case i would be scarred by the fact that the dog can jump into your lap without you flinching and bracing yourself, but i never could."
she said:
i always know where the dog is going to go.
with you i could never be sure. don't feel bad, i do it with jack too.
but she doesn't as much. because jack is the baby. and the only boy. and hes practically deaf and almost died when he was born.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if you are a baby who is born to a couple who were never really in love, can you ever really know love?
would you even know how to identify it? or even how to hold on to it?
if the love you are supposed to have with a significant other, doesn't look, sound, feel or smell like the love of an abuela or a nana or a titi (auntie), then what does it look sound feel smell like?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i remember in family therapy with dr. joseph powers
my mother stated, when i was younger she often forgot i was a child and still needed her guidance as much as i did. both because i was a self sufficient child, and because my size made me seem older, and stronger than i was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember my mother being almost 2 hours late picking ne up from a dentist appt. Not a rare occurance, she's notoriously late. but she always made it seem like it was my fault for having the dentist appt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
everything's my fault.
and people in my life
people like pete
think im self-centered for thinking
this way.
but it is my fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mom and dad took me apple picking every fall.
they continue the tradition with my sibs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my mom recently became vocal about the realization she had about the fact that she could lose me if she didn't keep reaching out to me, talking to me.
i've been lost a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
when i moved out of my parents house there were two reasons.
i had only been home a few hours from my first hospitalization and my dad was already yelling at me about something.
- i felt suffocated
- i knew the worst had yet to come.
There were many hospitalizations after that...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this entry went somewhere i didn't want it to go.
and I think it was quite possibly one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen.
foreign films are (almost) always so good.
so pleasing and yet it left me feeling...hope...and...emptiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in other news. I am angry with pete. he only talks to me when he's depressed. when he's happy, he hangs out with all his other friends. when he's depressed he cries to me all night on the telephone. he thinks im trying to say no one but me has a right to be depressed or sad. he couldn't be more wrong. he had the very same complaint about me not long ago. "you only call me when you're depressed" he'd say.
and i'd reply, "well according to you, pete, all i ever am is depressed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i thought i wanted love.
i thought i wanted a companion.
now i know
i just want to be left alone.
Amelie lived nice and quiet with her cat in a pretty little apartment and had a very low stress job. and she was happy.
even before she started on her mission to make others happy.
she wasn't happy through and through...she was lonely. but she was still content.
i just want to be somewhere alone. where i can't hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone.
i would miss my family.
but it's better for everyone i think.
off and away and alone.
i want to go sleep in my grandmothers bed with her but my presence would keep her up all night, and she has work tomorrow. when i was little, i slept in her bed with her on the weekends when i visited.
the pillows on her bed smell always of her perfume,
or the downey dryer sheets she uses.
sometimes i get scared when i lay next to her. she is so tiny. i can't curl up small against her anymore.
i think i was probably the happiest when i was an infant, and everyone was always holding me.
i always felt like mom was scared to hold me when i got older. she was afraid i'd hurdle into her and hurt her.
the other day their dog jumped up on her lap and nuzzled right up close to her and i said, "you know if i was more of a basket case i would be scarred by the fact that the dog can jump into your lap without you flinching and bracing yourself, but i never could."
she said:
i always know where the dog is going to go.
with you i could never be sure. don't feel bad, i do it with jack too.
but she doesn't as much. because jack is the baby. and the only boy. and hes practically deaf and almost died when he was born.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if you are a baby who is born to a couple who were never really in love, can you ever really know love?
would you even know how to identify it? or even how to hold on to it?
if the love you are supposed to have with a significant other, doesn't look, sound, feel or smell like the love of an abuela or a nana or a titi (auntie), then what does it look sound feel smell like?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i remember in family therapy with dr. joseph powers
my mother stated, when i was younger she often forgot i was a child and still needed her guidance as much as i did. both because i was a self sufficient child, and because my size made me seem older, and stronger than i was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember my mother being almost 2 hours late picking ne up from a dentist appt. Not a rare occurance, she's notoriously late. but she always made it seem like it was my fault for having the dentist appt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
everything's my fault.
and people in my life
people like pete
think im self-centered for thinking
this way.
but it is my fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mom and dad took me apple picking every fall.
they continue the tradition with my sibs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my mom recently became vocal about the realization she had about the fact that she could lose me if she didn't keep reaching out to me, talking to me.
i've been lost a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
when i moved out of my parents house there were two reasons.
i had only been home a few hours from my first hospitalization and my dad was already yelling at me about something.
- i felt suffocated
- i knew the worst had yet to come.
There were many hospitalizations after that...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this entry went somewhere i didn't want it to go.