(no subject)
Laura:
In a certain sense, I'm almost glad that we did not get to say a last goodbye to each other tonight, because that makes it more similar to all those times in the past in which we've had a casual goodbye that lasted a month or two till the next hello. If we'd gotten to see each other tonight, I wouldn't have known what to say or what to do or when to leave, and it would have been awkward and difficult and ultimately too surreal for me to honestly appreciate the finality of the situation. This way is much easier. This way, I can make a concerted effort to disregard any kind of "finality"--pish posh-- and pretend that it's just another one of our long seperations due to the busy lives we both seem to lead; and that we will be reunited once again some fresh day that lives now on a 2 am horizon.
But I'm not going to pretend this isn't difficult.
I've saved every LJ post e-mail that you've sent me in the last month or so; tried to write poetry that you might like to post on my LJ; and spent God knows how many half-hour intervals reading over all your posts. We've seen each other more times and communicated more in the past two months than we probably did for most of junior high, and I was in Europe for three of those several weeks.
There was always some what of a fascination for me with you, one that could be a crush at odd intervals, but was never any kind of concerted attraction until this summer. I have wondered what might have been, and won't pretend that things might've been at least a little different had Jill-- that wonderful little Swedish Fish-- not been around these past weeks. There have been moments where I wanted to step beyond the bounds of our friendship, and moments where I have been insanely jealous of the hold she has on you. You are the very best kind of boy, and if I wasn't so convinced I am in love with Teen, I might be in love with you.
I care about you very much Laura, and I hope that Arizona treats you the way you've always been treated: with respect, benevolence, and all the hot homo girls you can handle. Anything I can ever do for you or give you that you might need, it's yours.
I wish you could've come hang out for a last time, though. Our "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" night was really fun, at least for me. I wish we could've done something like that again.
I miss you,
Stephanie